This Week in Legitimate Mainstream News from a Highly Credible Source

Lord President Trump Invades Canada, Allied Powers Declare War on America

This morning American panzer divisions crossed the Canadian frontier, laying waste to their pathetic wall-free border and striking deep into the poutine and hockey resources beyond. This is the latest in a string of fascist disasters since the election of the New York businessmen, and is expected to visit the same disaster and misery on you, the common loser person who must be spoon-fed correct opinions. What were you thinking when you elected this guy? Why did you ignore all the warnings from Soros and the Republican establishment and street criminals?

In a speech following the attack our Supreme Ruling Emperor, a man who was once declared "The Best Sex Ever" by a bikini model, called our soon to be subjugated northern neighbor "A total loser country, can't defend itself" and "low energy, total failure." In response, the forces of NATO have declared war on the GrossTrumpland, proving that it made sense to allow this bizarre Cold War relic to continue to exist for some reason.

Our unbiased ten-part examination, starting Monday.

Stock Market Crashes, Free Trade Disaster

Printing worthless money and allowing jobs to leave for foreign shores is simple good sense. Because of God King Trump this wise counsel was thrown out the window and now we're reaping the foul harvest. The Dow Jones Index opened at 34 and was somehow deep in the negatives by closing. This disaster left wealthy bastards slightly uncomfortable and will, presumably, impact you, the chattel serf. Why did you vote for this guy? If only a bunch of satirical articles in a formerly respected newspaper had been written but alas, that was not the case.

More Cold Weather, Trump Responsible

Winter sure is hanging around and it's obvious where to point the finger: a man from New York who owns numerous golf courses and as such caused irreparable damage to the climate of God's Green Earth. Trust me, folks, it's that darn Trump. Yup, you're darn tooting. It now appears likely that most of the planetary healing caused by the election of Obama has been undone and a second ice age and/or global warming meltdown is now inevitable. Why couldn't the Boston Onion raise the alarm eighteen months ago? Well, they didn't, we're screwed.  

I have a four year degree in journalism.

Your Favorite Sports Team Sucks

Looks like it's going to be a long year for your favorite sports team, a team that finds itself lacking talented veterans as well as promising young players. Instead, it's all scrubs. Lots of losing awaits, maybe even in the Big Game, and your guys won't even get a high draft pick because the Trump Sports Law gave all of those to whatever the New York team is. Unless that's your favorite team, then please pretend they're going to Omaha's squadron or whatever. Trump ruined it, vote for anyone else.

Obituaries

All of the following people died because of President Donald Trump...

EastAsia has always been our ally...

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Research Claims Your Cat Thinks You’re Just Another (Big!) Cat

What is going on in the mind of your cat? The correct answer is some variation on "sleep, eat, reproduce, repeat" and "I can't wait until my owner is sick or otherwise vulnerable so I can finally consume those delicious eyeballs." The incorrect answer is it thinks you're a giant cat, and not in a good way, either.

As an overly-exuberant animal lover, I’m somewhat ashamed to confess that I am not a cat person.

The shame of it all.

"Man, I love Renaissance art! I'm just all overly-exuberant about it!"
"Wow, you must be into Michelangelo, right?"
"Well...no."

Sure, cats are as cute as the next fuzzy mammal and kittens are all-out adorable, but felines enjoy hunting and killing things, and they don’t seem to care much for humans either.

Incredibly the survival or destruction, tooth 'n' claw natural world isn't as "adorable" as you might have thought.

According to Dr. John Bradshaw, who’s studied felines for over 30 years and wrote the tome Cat Sense, cats were never bred for companionship.

It's this sort of dynamite revelation that comes from thirty years of studying and writing "tomes." Hey, I'm all for creative vocabulary, but a cutesy book on kitty kats is not really what I think of when you say "tome."

In fact, they tend to think of humans as big, lazy, overgrown fellow cats, which might explain some of that cool, disinterested behavior towards us.

Whoa, I might be big and lazy and overgrown, but I'll have you know...what was the third thing again?

“if a cat “kneads” you, that’s how it used to get milk from its mother.”

Just when you thought "cat person" pathology couldn't get any creepier.

In other words, what seems like feline affection might actually be perfunctory.

As opposed to human physical affection, which is always a combination of magic and transcendence that touches the very deepest levels of meaning.

After reading some of Bradshaw’s research, I remain unconvinced that the glowering creature hiding under the couch isn’t going to claw my face off the first chance it gets.

Just for your information what you described there isn't a cat. It's a mole person.

Another reliable article on cat behavior.

And to any pet owner who claims their cat is “just like a dog,” I have just one thing to say: No, he isn’t, and you obviously don’t have a dog.
 

*dramatically pulls on "Yorkie" sweater and walks confidently toward the setting sun*

Original Article.

Komment Korner  

Any dog would vote for Obama. Thousands surely did.

"I hate you! Feed me!"

Is this JOURNALISM or a mere opinion of a cat hater?

Cats and dogs arent people, stop trying to personify these animals.

My cat thinks I'm a chair.

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.