Sunday, February 21, 2016

DotTeeVee: Watch Jeb Bush sink to an all time low

Before we start savoring today's video like a fine cognac I want to make it clear I made the decision to talk about this one before Jeb unconditionally signed the terms of surrender on the battleship USS Taj Mahal a few hours ago. In a very real sense I'm disappointed with this news and who can blame me, what with this sudden loss of a seemingly unexpendable vein of shameful joy created by Jeb! and his dead on arrival campaign for the presidency. I suppose we can either mourn for the pathetic depths that he won't sink to now or just be happy that we got to see the train-wreck in the first place. Good night sweet prince, here's hoping there's a big guac bowl and an ill-fitting hoodie waiting for you in the Better Place.

Holla at me dawg. Unnnnnnnnnnn.

Today's subject is provided by something called "Patriot Planet," presumably a news source for those of us who can't get enough cloying jingoism, chirping news bunnies and highly biased ineptly delivered reporting but are unable to get FOX news because a flood done washed out the tower. As you might expect we open with an image of our pale blue dot with the American flag superimposed (Just try to stop us, other nations!) and a teaser promising a new low for Jeb, because every video on Youtube assumes that the viewer hasn't read the title and needs to have it delivered baby food style, open wide moron, here it comes.

Making sure not to look at the hard camera "Cynthia May" gives us the goods, explaining how America has been spared from Bush III, who was last seen begging for approval from his own ostensible supporters. Miss May describes the low energy we're about to witness as being "somewhat impassioned" which I guess is the "Research paper that looked like it was written by a functional illiterate suffering from late-stage syphilis still gets a C+ at the student loan factory" equivalent for politics. 

The crowd apparently missed a "cue," causing embarrassing silence. Animals, children and GOP establishment rally-goers, they're just impossible to work with. I'll be in my trailer, call me when those amateurs get it together.

Come home Jeb, your family and friends are worried about you.

On to the actual footage and, sure enough, the man that somehow raised eight figures worth of federal reserve play money in exchange for single digit vote percentages is discussing the path of peace with the sort of subdued and completely burned-out apathy of a public school teacher in a remedial reading class who's three days from retirement. A "please clap" earns the socially prescribed imitation of seal flippers and I've honestly never seen a man so completely broken. Cynthia grinds in additional indignity by mentioning the 100 million wasted, money that could have purchases 50 million fairly decent tacos or maybe fixed some of those collapsing bridges or whatever.

The man without a last name's "desperate losing battle" is discussed, complete with references to how he was "picked on" by Trump. You're going in the locker Jeb, as soon as I get done filling your shirt with leaves. In fine well-researched non-sheeple news tradition we're assured that the Florida governor is not about to give up and should be able to waste millions more. If only. Think of the consulting fees we could have wrung out of this loser, but he had to pack it in despite forming a truly pathetic tag-team with Lindsey "Zero Percent" Graham. 

The refreshing and with-it voice of a new generation.

Cynthia makes the same intervention joke I made earlier and I realize that this clip contained barely any footage of Jeb going down in flames and was mostly just her yapping, but confident music is already playing us out (I don't know what that means) so now is not the time to dwell on technicalities.

The high moral and technical standards of "Patriot Planet" are somewhat undermined by a teaser at the end promising us "celebrity gossip." I thought we were gonna fight the N.W.O., not find out who was in a bikini. Man, everyone's a phony.

Komment Korner  

First comment yay!   

LOL, I think a better thing to say would be "it's O.K. to clap" 

lol. "now it's a great time for intervention"

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

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