Saturday, October 22, 2016

News You Can't Use: Woman Mistakes Meeting for Trump Gathering, Smears Peanut Butter on Cars

Are you aware that there's an election in the United States coming up in November? Probably not, it's been a very noncontroversial and sedate lead-up to what is certain to be a well-supervised and fraud-free snout count. Still, it's a great time for people with faulty mental functioning and I don't just mean the chance to get paid by acting as shock troops for the Democrats. There's also just the chance to theme your meltdowns into something nice and topical instead of the usual "stop stalking me" or headbanging behavior.

An Amherst woman is expected to be charged with disorderly conduct after she smeared peanut butter on 30 vehicles she believed were parked outside a Trump gathering.

Savor this sentence like an aged cognac, in a few weeks it will all be over and the Ministry of Truth will be back to reporting our military victories in Yemen and how we're certainly not teetering on the edge of civil and/or nuclear war. For now, let's talk about a woman with bad head-wiring who meticulously applied Jiff, presumably after drawing little hearts in each can with a knife, to numerous vehicles. You're gonna need those proteins and massive calorie content after all that hard work.

Investigators said the gathering was actually a conservation group and had nothing to do with politics.

Trust me, our discussion circle on the little red book is completely apolitical.

The incident was reported Monday evening when the group's meeting was interrupted by a woman that appeared intoxicated. 

Yet another incident we can blame on demon juice. Don't worry, booze-bags are also on the shortlist of paid under-the-table in Soros paper donkey party professionals. 

According to the incident report, the woman identified by deputies as Christina Ferguson, 32, entered the meeting and began yelling she hated Donald Trump. The woman was asked to leave, and did.

I asked you to leave and you did. Everyone's happy.

Drinking is very sophisticated.

According to the incident report the woman used peanut butter to make phallic symbols and wrote profanity across the windshield of another vehicle.

This is really some high effort chaos for a prematurely aged cork-sucker. Let's meticulously draw the male wedding gear on dozens of cars. Also, cussing. It's almost like all those alcohol commercials are lying to us about all the fun we'll get out of binge drinking.

Ferguson had a preliminary breath alcohol concentration of .218.

When you're above the Mendoza Line with the old alcohol concentration you might find yourself in trouble.

Ferguson is free on bond. 

You call this justice? *pukes into dumpster*

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

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