Saturday, October 29, 2016

DotTeeVee: My Summer Car Early Access Gameplay Trailer

Around these parts it's a very poorly kept secret that I'm a huge fan of My Summer Car, the greatest game ever produced that's set in 1995 Finland, even better than EA Sports Reindeer Hunter '95, a TurboGraphix 17 exclusive. By the time you've read the above lines I'll have already logged countless hours of engine construction and Suomi countryside wandering because the bug-riddled and pitifully incomplete early access version was released on October 26. Suffice it to say, you're going to want to get in on the ground floor of this one, even if it means a few things might not be completely ready yet. One must be patient, quality is not something you can rush and this game is already a glorious beacon of light in the otherwise gloomy nightmarescape that is my life.

Let's look at the release video!

We're not even messing around this time, as we get subtitles to render our heavily-accented narrator understandable. We hit the ground running with an unsuccessful merger leading to gory death, a common enough flight of fantasy during my highway driving days made into glorious Scandinavian reality by this computerized world of fantasy. The fact that the "cylinder head" isn't working yet doesn't even faze me. I've played Paradox games, I'm used to everything being broken during the initial release and then a series of patches making it even worse, somehow.

In other news the shiny paint jobs still won't increase the performance of your Soviet-era compact, but on the other hand there is something to be said for looking good. Maybe a lot of something, because society will correctly make conclusions on your character and competence using that as the primary metric.

It's fine, I'm not in any hurry.

Next up, some hot car-part ordering action, back when you had to fill-out so-called "paper" forms and send them through something called the "mail." Hard to believe, I know. On the downside it's going to be expensive, but my wallet is already spread as wide open as it can be and is completely unashamed. 

Improving the obscene gestures will be a top priority of patch 7.43c.

Sadly the early access "car inspection" is going to be a "fail." Again, would that every game was this honest. Our new Madden game will feature maybe one new, worthless feature you'll go into the options to turn off and half the players will be on the wrong team until we mostly fix that a month later. What are you going to do, buy a competing egg-ball game?

In other news the windshield wipers, they do nussink!!!

One of my favorite pastimes.

The store can also be broken into, because there's just something about automobile games that demand the opportunity to commit crimes. Besides, it's the only way to get at the slot-machine, a feature that I practically begged like a starving hound for. Then it's back on the road for some of that "major engine failure," which I guess is severe tire damage's even less felicitous sibling. 

The sauna doesn't work yet, but I can use my imagination, since I haven't destroyed it with too much counsel gaming and am an independent PC game playing immortal god-king.

The car crashes again. "Welcome everybody!" Aw, yeah. I feel a song coming on.

Hey, do ya love me. I'm non-functional cylinder head
A hot new paint job, a merger that leaves you dead
Hey, do ya love me I'm a Soviet-era machine
Get into my world 1995 Suomi dream 

I'm Finland Speeding

Get it on, get it on, get it on...

Komment Korner

Early Access to My Summer Car gives Russian malware.

Finland, what are you doing?

Be careful what you wish for, someone will dent your shit.

where hakka-pelitta

Cancelled my Titanfall 2 preorder for this.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

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