DotTeeVee: My Summer Car Early Access Gameplay Trailer

Around these parts it's a very poorly kept secret that I'm a huge fan of My Summer Car, the greatest game ever produced that's set in 1995 Finland, even better than EA Sports Reindeer Hunter '95, a TurboGraphix 17 exclusive. By the time you've read the above lines I'll have already logged countless hours of engine construction and Suomi countryside wandering because the bug-riddled and pitifully incomplete early access version was released on October 26. Suffice it to say, you're going to want to get in on the ground floor of this one, even if it means a few things might not be completely ready yet. One must be patient, quality is not something you can rush and this game is already a glorious beacon of light in the otherwise gloomy nightmarescape that is my life.

Let's look at the release video!

We're not even messing around this time, as we get subtitles to render our heavily-accented narrator understandable. We hit the ground running with an unsuccessful merger leading to gory death, a common enough flight of fantasy during my highway driving days made into glorious Scandinavian reality by this computerized world of fantasy. The fact that the "cylinder head" isn't working yet doesn't even faze me. I've played Paradox games, I'm used to everything being broken during the initial release and then a series of patches making it even worse, somehow.

In other news the shiny paint jobs still won't increase the performance of your Soviet-era compact, but on the other hand there is something to be said for looking good. Maybe a lot of something, because society will correctly make conclusions on your character and competence using that as the primary metric.

It's fine, I'm not in any hurry.

Next up, some hot car-part ordering action, back when you had to fill-out so-called "paper" forms and send them through something called the "mail." Hard to believe, I know. On the downside it's going to be expensive, but my wallet is already spread as wide open as it can be and is completely unashamed. 

Improving the obscene gestures will be a top priority of patch 7.43c.

Sadly the early access "car inspection" is going to be a "fail." Again, would that every game was this honest. Our new Madden game will feature maybe one new, worthless feature you'll go into the options to turn off and half the players will be on the wrong team until we mostly fix that a month later. What are you going to do, buy a competing egg-ball game?

In other news the windshield wipers, they do nussink!!!

One of my favorite pastimes.

The store can also be broken into, because there's just something about automobile games that demand the opportunity to commit crimes. Besides, it's the only way to get at the slot-machine, a feature that I practically begged like a starving hound for. Then it's back on the road for some of that "major engine failure," which I guess is severe tire damage's even less felicitous sibling. 

The sauna doesn't work yet, but I can use my imagination, since I haven't destroyed it with too much counsel gaming and am an independent PC game playing immortal god-king.

The car crashes again. "Welcome everybody!" Aw, yeah. I feel a song coming on.

Hey, do ya love me. I'm non-functional cylinder head
A hot new paint job, a merger that leaves you dead
Hey, do ya love me I'm a Soviet-era machine

Get into my world 1995 Suomi dream 

I'm Finland Speeding

Get it on, get it on, get it on...

Komment Korner

Early Access to My Summer Car gives Russian malware.

Finland, what are you doing?

Be careful what you wish for, someone will dent your shit.

where hakka-pelitta

Cancelled my Titanfall 2 preorder for this.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

DotTeeVee: My Summer Car Greenlight Trailer

It's been awhile since there's been any exciting news regarding computerized gaming, but today's subject definitely qualifies. It's a game that, as far as I can tell from about two minutes of video, combines the best qualities of those work simulation games (Salt Mine Simulator '15, etc), the white knuckle scoring of driving games and the open world to run amok in of murder simulators. This initial top tier impression was further reinforced by what one of the philosopher kings in the Youtube comment section called "mumbling" and "heavily accented" narration from the game's creator. Honestly, this sucker in gonna be the new "Euro Truck Simulator," especially since that formerly dominant series has been ruined by the, ahem, unpleasantness.

I now have summer flings with simulation games on the computer.

No time is wasted throwing down the hype as the sound of buzzing flies and rolling thunder combine with a caption informing us it is now the summer of 1995 in Suomi Finland. I don't know about you, but when I finally get my time/space machine up and running that will probably be the first destination. Bass-heavy "club" music plays and it's right into the amazing logo displayed above and then actual game-play footage. It's your job, nay, your adventure, to restore a beater compact car and then take this hot whip for rides around a meticulously crafted Egentliga environment. Our marble-mouthed Scandinavian speaks, describing restoring a lemon as "controlling the puzzle" or at least that's what I think he said through articulation as thick as a Pripyat marsh.

This will be the theme of this video: difficult to decipher one-liners about what you can and can not do in this game. Would that every vidya company could be this honest. "You can shoot a gun. You can't influence the derivative plot in any way. You can hide behind crates, pop out and shoot and then resume hiding. You can't do railing kills like in action movies. You can throw a grenade. You can't prevent enemies from appearing out of nowhere behind you. You can save often."

You can be "king of the road" just like Roger Miller, but don't expect any "social media." It's 1995, remember? Talk about total immersion. You just know those hacks at Electronic Arts would have ruined "Junk Car Ninety Five" by putting Twitter mini-games in there or something, but not our man from the land of the midnight sun. Another exciting feature, namely putting the engine together wrong and being unable to drive, gets some well-earned spotlighting. Man, I can't wait to become a virtual gearhead in mid-nineties Finland. There's also a wood-chopping game in there, apropos of nothing. Your summer car isn't going to be powered by external combustion...or is it? Steam punk DLC a year from now...seems likely based on the formidable resources marshaled in this "Greenlight" presentation.

You can also "feel hot without being good looking." Unfortunately, it's the "my Finnish junker is cooking up" type of hot, but that's good enough. Then you can tow your ruined low-income wheels back to the garage for more Mr. Fixit in what will hopefully be an endless Mobius strip of deeply engaging joystick time. The Finland wrap is coming alive, in nineteen ninety, five, five, five! Yeah!

"You can't go to Las Vegas." That should have been the motto of the first several hours of "Fallout: New Vegas." Oddly, the game does include a slot machine anyway. We could just pretend that this is, in fact, Las Vegas and we're there, but we're supposed to be in Suomi and if that highly convincing illusion is destroyed everything would fall apart.

Spend dozens of hours assembling this thing in "Poor Man's Vegas 1991."

Next up the games realistic drinking engine is demonstrated, featuring the always excellent mix of so-called "drinking and driving." And yes, you can also "Have a Christmas." Despite being from a land of reindeer this guy doesn't seem to totally get that concept, as said Christmas consists of a cardboard box opening to reveal tires. Swing and a miss, Santa.

Another exciting feature is driving "without cooler" and having the engine overheat. Before I can even process this we get that death screen of the game and a promise that there will be a heavy element of survival horror, just like we all like it. Then we also get to see the titular summer car after it has been completely ruined and you get to take a first person piss on the remains. This is going to be the best game ever. 

You and your Soviet-era compact are dead.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBitEX-8IcM 

Komment Korner  

toivottavasti tuplapottiin tulee oikee musa

This game doesn't seem very Finnished.

I'd kill all the alcohol stuff. That thing with the meters scares me. Is this normal were you live?

FINLAND YES

Täähän näyttää helvetin loistavalta! OIKEASTI!

Shut up and take my money!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Video Game Slush Pile: The Political Machine (2004)

As a Steam using Over Man I constantly have flat-pocket and distressingly limited free time thanks to the amazing quality and quantity of amazing PC strategy games it delivers like a morphine drip. It also means I've always got my eye out for the latest updates to franchises I was able to derive enjoyment from and hold back the crushing despair of existence with, which led me to purchase the latest Political Machine game on deep discount, having played the original over a decade previous.

Suffice it to say the new version is a massive disappointment, from the terrible graphics (What is with this trend of strategy games? You want terrible looking semi-3D, right strategy gamer?) to the shallow game-play that hasn't been significantly updated and has actually regressed in many ways. No primaries, no third parties, little in the way of random events, no campaign mode and a general sense that this was just a cash-grab aimed at people like myself who would buy it based on the title. Well, mission accomplished. Being able to play as Lord President Trump was small consolation.

The overall experience was so deflating it got me questioning whether this series was ever good to begin with and here we are with this Moon Landing tier event of finally inducting a PC game into the Video Game Slush Pile.

The cover art is just a reskinned version of the game "Vulture Wars."

 The concept of the game is simple enough: pick a candidate and win the now infamous 2004 "Anybody but Bush" election. The game offers a decent assortment of non-indicted criminals to chose from, including several individuals who, strictly speaking, aren't eligible to run (The Terminator Robot? Bill Clinton term three???). Each donor-controlled meat puppet is rated across several categories and, presumably, the ones other than "starting money" and "fund raising" have some effect on the game, although it was difficult for me to discern.

Once underway that game is a builder's paradise, assuming you don't mind having only one building and various commercials as options. Campaign Headquarters generate money and raise general awareness, while television, radio and newspaper advertisements can build up your issue ratings or attack your opponent on specific issues.

We ran out of budget and couldn't afford female pronouns.

There's a good range of issues to battle over. More controversial topics are more important to a majority voters while safe drivel like "More Jobs" or "Less Crime" won't hurt your support with anyone but also are lower tier in value. You win endorsements and hire specialists to further refine your image and even participate in amusing but largely useless interview mini-games. Beyond this the key to victory is to dominate the hot button issues with commercials, spread awareness and energy with your ground game and focus on key battleground states.

You can play through an entire campaign, unlocking defeated opponents from American history and facing an increasingly insane difficulty curve. I wasn't able to complete the campaign but I did reach the eighth candidate of ten (it was Ronald Reagan) which wasn't a bad run considering how much the odds are stacked against you at higher levels. 

Sort of like those Mortal Kombat towers but with more malaise and less beheading.

Graphics: The cartoon style on display here is superior in every possible way to the unaesthetic gunk offered up this year. Really.

Controls: You wouldn't think fast-twitch would be much of an issue, and you'd be wrong. To gain random campaign operatives you must be the first to fly to a state with a question mark in it and the AI is pretty brutal at getting there first at high levels. Sometimes you end of selecting multiple things, especially in smaller states on the default map size. Overall, it's good enough.

Depth: There's a full campaign, complete with unlockables. Each candidate should play slightly differently, at least in theory. You can create your own character as well, although this mode is fairly limited.

Overall: As an experimental title it's well worth a play. The same can not be said, obviously, of the garbage new version.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.