I now have summer flings with simulation games on the computer.
No time is wasted throwing down the hype as the sound of buzzing flies and rolling thunder combine with a caption informing us it is now the summer of 1995 in Suomi Finland. I don't know about you, but when I finally get my time/space machine up and running that will probably be the first destination. Bass-heavy "club" music plays and it's right into the amazing logo displayed above and then actual game-play footage. It's your job, nay, your adventure, to restore a beater compact car and then take this hot whip for rides around a meticulously crafted Egentliga environment. Our marble-mouthed Scandinavian speaks, describing restoring a lemon as "controlling the puzzle" or at least that's what I think he said through articulation as thick as a Pripyat marsh.
This will be the theme of this video: difficult to decipher one-liners about what you can and can not do in this game. Would that every vidya company could be this honest. "You can shoot a gun. You can't influence the derivative plot in any way. You can hide behind crates, pop out and shoot and then resume hiding. You can't do railing kills like in action movies. You can throw a grenade. You can't prevent enemies from appearing out of nowhere behind you. You can save often."
You can be "king of the road" just like Roger Miller, but don't expect any "social media." It's 1995, remember? Talk about total immersion. You just know those hacks at Electronic Arts would have ruined "Junk Car Ninety Five" by putting Twitter mini-games in there or something, but not our man from the land of the midnight sun. Another exciting feature, namely putting the engine together wrong and being unable to drive, gets some well-earned spotlighting. Man, I can't wait to become a virtual gearhead in mid-nineties Finland. There's also a wood-chopping game in there, apropos of nothing. Your summer car isn't going to be powered by external combustion...or is it? Steam punk DLC a year from now...seems likely based on the formidable resources marshaled in this "Greenlight" presentation.
You can also "feel hot without being good looking." Unfortunately, it's the "my Finnish junker is cooking up" type of hot, but that's good enough. Then you can tow your ruined low-income wheels back to the garage for more Mr. Fixit in what will hopefully be an endless Mobius strip of deeply engaging joystick time. The Finland wrap is coming alive, in nineteen ninety, five, five, five! Yeah!
"You can't go to Las Vegas." That should have been the motto of the first several hours of "Fallout: New Vegas." Oddly, the game does include a slot machine anyway. We could just pretend that this is, in fact, Las Vegas and we're there, but we're supposed to be in Suomi and if that highly convincing illusion is destroyed everything would fall apart.
Spend dozens of hours assembling this thing in "Poor Man's Vegas 1991."
Next up the games realistic drinking engine is demonstrated, featuring the always excellent mix of so-called "drinking and driving." And yes, you can also "Have a Christmas." Despite being from a land of reindeer this guy doesn't seem to totally get that concept, as said Christmas consists of a cardboard box opening to reveal tires. Swing and a miss, Santa.
Another exciting feature is driving "without cooler" and having the engine overheat. Before I can even process this we get that death screen of the game and a promise that there will be a heavy element of survival horror, just like we all like it. Then we also get to see the titular summer car after it has been completely ruined and you get to take a first person piss on the remains. This is going to be the best game ever.
You and your Soviet-era compact are dead.
toivottavasti tuplapottiin tulee oikee musa
This game doesn't seem very Finnished.
I'd kill all the alcohol stuff. That thing with the meters scares me. Is this normal were you live?
Täähän näyttää helvetin loistavalta! OIKEASTI!
Shut up and take my money!