If I have one complaint about the golden age I was blessed to be born into, and I really have to stress that "if," it's that there just isn't enough technology in our lives and the interfaces are too demanding. Poking at a tablet like a cat scratching at a closed door in order to deploy ball-shaped avians with anger management issues just isn't getting it. We clearly need some of those brain implants and fortunately it's on the way if our society manages to stave off the steady transformation into a burning heap for another decade or so. Think of the ability to quickly interact with devices. I know, might be cold shower time just to calm down a bit.
A tiny implant the size of a grain of sand has been created that can connect computers to the human body without the need for wires or batteries, opening up a host of futuristic possibilities.
You could copy and paste with just a thought. That financial program that comes packed in with every computer and no one actually uses could be deleted with the blink of an eyes. And don't forget Google Government beaming the Right Think directly into the cortex! The words "What could possibly go wrong?" have never been more appropriate.
The devices, dubbed "neural dust", could be used to continually monitor organs like the heart in real time and, if they can be made even smaller, implanted into the brain to control robotic devices like prosthetic arms or legs.
Hopefully this "dust" won't result in you attempting to fly off the roof of your high school after a massive freak-out. And hey, what could be more awesome than constantly getting feedback on your heartbeat? Yup, still going. Glub. Glub. Glub. This is great.
It is believed they could help treat conditions like epilepsy by stimulating nerves and muscles, help people with incontinence control their bladder and even suppress appetite.
Here, put this dust in your frontal lobes so you slim down a little, Carb-face.
They could also potentially either be used to prompt the immune system into action or reduce inflammation.
Muhh murricall snake oil also heals up dat AIDS, yes suh.
One of the inventors, Professor Michel Maharbiz, of University of California, Berkeley, said: “I think the long-term prospects for neural dust are not only within nerves and the brain, but much broader.
You could manually activate processes that are normally automatic!
“Having access to in-body telemetry has never been possible because there has been no way to put something super-tiny super-deep [in the body].
If you're super tiny you're not gonna go super deep in that thang. I'm just sayin'.
Ultrasound vibrations, which can penetrate almost every part of the body, are used to power the sensors, which are about a millimetre across.
This "massager" is used to activate sensors and not for that other use, honest.
This can already be done using brain implants, but these require wires that go through a hole in the skull, potentially allowing in infection or movement of the sensor within the brain. They must also be replaced after about one to two years.
Been fourteen months, better get the old head-wires replaced.
The researchers are currently building neural dust that could last in the body for more than 10 years. And because they are wireless there is no need for holes to remain in the skull.
Well, other than for aerodynamics, obviously.
“The beauty is that now, the sensors are small enough to have a good application in the peripheral nervous system, for bladder control or appetite suppression, for example.”
Not pissing yourself or doing that All-American bloat are literally the best ideas we have for this horrific "We tampered in God's domain" nightmare technology.
Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.