Wednesday, August 10, 2016

News You Can't Use: Woman Punches Man In Movie Chatter Dispute

It's summer blockbuster season, as evidenced by the loud, ugly and artistically bankrupt releases that lose massive amounts of money while their hypothetical target audience hunts imaginary Japanese cartoons or just keeps on cowering under the bed or whatever. Never mind that the theater experience is now less grating than ever, with exciting new options like "No, I don't want to sit between two randos" and "Booze, please." Maybe one day they'll even get rid of the bawling infants and "Don't go in there, girl!" talkers, but expect to take a few closed hands along the way. I wanted to watch the evil clown girl, not listen to you, pal. Then you get popped.

An Indiana woman is facing a battery charge after allegedly slugging a fellow moviegoer in the face after he complained about her talking through the entirety of a showing of “Suicide Squad.”

Perhaps not as glorious as the time someone complained about me kicking their seat and I told them "You don't like me kicking your seat? How about later on I kick your ass?"

According to police, LaQuintae Taborn, 34, and William Mason were exiting a theater in Portage early Sunday morning when the confrontation occurred.

We must strive to recreate this incident in the most vivid detail 23k per year prose and your own feeble imagination can possibly offer. Try to place yourself in the moment, in this Middle West crucible of feckless complaints and immediate, violent reprisal.

Cops say that Mason told Taborn, “I just wanted to thank you for talking through the entire movie and ruining it for everyone.”

Today class we're going to learn how to be passive-aggressive. And also how to just be aggressive, full stop. Somehow the whole "thanks for ruining it, I was eating a candy bar when you posted that" bit works a lot better in the relative safety of a comments section and not in a Hoosier State lobby following a movie that might charitably be described as spiritual anal cancer.

Taborn, a Gary resident, responded by first shoving Mason and then punching him twice in the face, police allege. 

Just like in your comic book film! Pow! Zoink! I'm a hero, now.

Mason, whose glasses were knocked off, declined medical assistance and told cops that he did not wish to press charges.

I tried to transform into the Incredible Hulk but just managed tears and pitiful "I'm fine" mumblings in between sobs.

During police questioning, Taborn reportedly said that she pushed the man when he got close to her. As for the punches, Taborn explained that she hit the man in anticipation of him retaliating for her pushing him.

This was a preemptive strike against a clearly evil individual who might have had deadly nerve gas or other unspecified destruction weapons in his pocket protector.

Thanks for talking during this cinematic bowel movement.

Taborn was released from custody yesterday after posting $800 bond. She is scheduled for an initial hearing tomorrow in Porter County Superior Court. 

Maybe we can go hang out there and watch the human zoo, if you got nothin' better to do, that is.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

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