Saturday, May 4, 2013

DotTeeVee: Buying Beer With Fake IDs

What is a fake ID and how does it work? Before watching this amazing video my answers were "I don't know" and "I have a level of ignorance deeper than simply not knowing, which not only represents zero knowledge but might actually cause the loss of information I already know," respectively. Now, thanks to watching the antics of a "NYU" student I can proudly tell you that the real correct answers are "an incorrectly sized forgery of an out-of-state license" and "It works by finding lazy, corrupt and/or stupid individuals working at convenience stores."

A cunning artifice that can fool all but the most well-trained eyes.

Cool, bass-heavy music plays as the video's sketchy protagonist displays his collection of ersatz identifications. Wackiness quickly ensues as we find ourselves inside one of those "gulp 'n' blows" with our hero selecting a single bottle of "Fosters" and attempting to purchase it with a Kentucky driver's license that's approximately the size of a business envelope. Meanwhile, his friend who is filming it offers hearty Ed McMahon style laughter. None of this phases the counter man, who looks like he's entering hour 89 of a 123 hour shift.

Is this some sort of allegory?

After scanning the giant license (if it was from Texas, it would at least have been believable) the clerk decides it's good. However, the craziness is just getting started as the payment comes in the form of a miniature credit card, producing more laughter from his side-kick while I cling to my sides to prevent them from splitting. We just failed to purchase a can of beer. Rock and roll. 

Meanwhile his peers are partying, but this is a far better way to spend one's salad days. I regret I can't go back in time and relive my late teens this way. The question "What is best in life" finally has a good answer. The American dream has come true and you're looking at it.

...and they don't take undersized American Express.

We get a debriefing outside the store where what just transpired is explained for the benefit of those who suffer from that memory condition where your memory resets every thirty seconds like in that one movie one time. This scene is completely stolen by a man in the background who starts shaking his groove thing, yeah yeah. The shot is framed in such a way to suggest this was pre-planned, but the part of me that still believes in Pro Wrestling, the Tooth Fairy and the Republican Party wants to believe in this, too.

What, you mean it isn't common practice to incorrectly center the subject?

As every good scientist knows, when they're not lying to us, experiments must be repeated to have any value. So here we go again, new store, new clerk, same Australian beer. I guess they thought there was just something inherently humorous about that particular product choice. "Always a good choice," as the guy who spends Friday night filming himself failing to buy cans of it puts it.

Yes, this show actually was entertaining once, in the distant past.

More quality human interaction goes down, only this time it's not so easy. The undersized identification is actually rejected, despite a claim it's the "key chain" version. However, Big Kentucky proves as reliable as ever, even after much scrutiny from the Asian-American working the register. "Does this one work?" they ask as everyone now seems in on the joke here. Still, the beer is successfully purchased. We have just witnessed a crime.

It says you were born in the Year of the Rabbit.

The nonsense we just witnessed might as well be a National Geographic documentary compared to the ending, which features "stealing" beer (Fosters, naturally) by just walking right out the door with it and then atoning for the bad karma incurred by giving it to a suspiciously well-dressed and clean "homeless" man, who seems to be living with his homeless wife under a pillar. Granted, this is New York, home of CHUDs and violence gangs and Obama's America has ensured across the board poverty, but it still seems unbelievable. These videos are making me a cynic.

America's CEOs accept poverty rather than putting the burden on the middle class.

Komment Korner  

America's youth are well formed all right.. lol

lol I didn't at first

Thank you for this intelligent response.  

No, you are in fact dumber. 

you just went full retard

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

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