Wednesday, May 15, 2013

News You Can't Use: Man Drank Beer, Smoked, Cooked While in Grocery

Are you a bad enough dude to hide out in a grocery store and then spend the entire night drinking, smoking, eating steaks, getting high from Redi-Whip chemicals and going "bathroom" on yourself? Maybe not, but in the cultural and economic mecca that is Bullitt County, Kentucky at least one such bad dude does exist. This hero, if hero is even a strong enough word, spent one amazing night in a grocery store, indulging every venal desire like a modern day Epicurus. It sounds like the plot to one of those comedies that is in theaters for two weeks in mid-October and features a star whose main talent is "making faces" but this is no fiction. This is the incredible tale of the man with the guts to actually do something we've all wanted to do.

A man was arrested after spending the night in a Mount Washington grocery store.

I guess the medals, Nobel prizes, statues and six figure speaking engagements will have to wait.

I'm in big trouble, but I can't stop smiling.
The manager opening a ValuMarket said 57 Redi-Whip whipped cream cans were found in the garbage Monday morning.

Probably just an unrelated anomaly. It's not like there's a significant correlation between inhalant abuse and high risk behavior like turning a grocery store into your dream house. Maybe a slight one, now.

Police said when the lights went out the video showed Runyon drank some beer, smoked cigarettes, cooked and ate six steaks, some shrimp and a birthday cake.

Ask yourself "what did I do on that same night" and try to handle the crushing despair. 

Welcome to Trevor Runyon fantasy camp.

Runyon also allegedly went to bathroom on himself and got clothes to change into.

I love the cutesy language, as if this a ha-ha-larious incident with a toddler and not a guy blasted out of his mind on every legal intoxicant available suffering a glorious full system failure and not even caring. Also, there are clothes? At a grocery? Man, Kentucky really does live up to those bombastic tourist slogans.

Proud home of a guy who used stolen beer to go "bathroom" on himself.

Afterward, Runyon climbed into the rafters and went to sleep. Firefighters were called to get Runyon down, he was then taken into custody by police.

We can add "skillful acrobat" and "sound sleeper" to an already lengthy list of accolades.

Komment Korner
I really hope he gets raped, too Jennifer. A lot. (After being criticized for drinking hater-ade) Just to clarify, I was being sarcastic. #jokefail

hes lacking a brain if he dnt kno tht stores hav restrooms tu use.



Sorry Bullwinkle but that's a blue state...sorta like Canada only not as clean.

Like a BOSS. 

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

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