News You Can't Use: How Cars Will Read Your Mind in the Future

While camera and phone technology have surpassed even the wildest and most optimistic dreams of futurist movies like 1984 car technology, specifically in relation to hovering and/or flying, continues to stagnate. Sure, we've figured out how to affix artificial scrotums to our comically over-sized working class sports cars and I'm sure some Teutonic gathering somewhere is figuring out how to make a slightly faster engine or render SUVs less deadly, but the big leap forward seems to be as a elusive as coming up with a clever one-liner to use on a car show babe that she hasn't heard a million times already.

"No, I don't come with the car." "No, you can't have a look another that hood." Etc.

With the amount of time drivers spend in their cars -- 20 hours per week on average, according to J.D. Power -- interactive technology such as smartphone integration, automotive apps and autonomy have become increasingly important.

Meanwhile personal autonomy is at an all time high as well. It's almost obscene how much freedom I have. Well, if you'll excuse me I have to spend the equivalent of a full day each week staring at someone's bumper, doing parking lot speeds on a highway and ineffectually raging in between total capitulation to my miserable fate.

Industry experts shared their predictions on how emerging technology will influence the future of cars during the Connected Car Expo at the L.A. Auto Show on Tuesday.

You could have a phone or camera in your steering wheel!

Maggie Hendrie, interaction design chair at the Art Center College of Design, said the key to car connectivity is the way people interact with their vehicles.

Sure, let's hang out with an art school victim when we're at a righteous car show. While you're doing that I'm gonna go get shot down by bikini babes and kick it with Germanic engineering teams.

Think of the technology in Spike Jonze’s movie “Her,” for example -- a unique experience where an algorithm was able to anticipate a user’s needs.

Maybe a reference to a movie that two dozen people actually saw will help explain this. If it's anything like the Stephen King movie "Christine" I'm really not interested.

The cars of the future need a transparent, intuitive interface, Hendrie said.

It'll be like those totally rad see-through backpacks!

Technology, she said, should manage the small transactions people make in their daily lives.

We'll have the computer punch the wheel and make those obscene gestures for you. This will free up valuable time to openly weep in existential despair.

The next step in car connectivity is bringing the journey inside the car, directing a passenger’s attention away from their video games or apps to the world around them, said Mary Ann de Lares Norris, chief operating officer of Oblong Industries.

This new app or video game will direct your attention away from apps and video games.

If you’re driving past a castle, for example, the passenger should be able to instantly pull up information about the landmark.

Not a lot of castles here in middle America. Sorry, car.

This type of technology would be similar to what’s used in conference rooms today -- using wands to control pixels across computers, displays and operating systems, similar to Xbox’s Kinect.

Kinect can't even handle the basics of vidiot gaming, but I'm sure it will work fine when you're manipulating 3000 pounds of Oriental machine. Oops, it can't detect my hands. Time to crash into that arsenal.

At the core if this, she said, is changing the conversation from “Are we there yet?” to “Did you know?” 

Constantly hearing the same three facts about corn over and over have really improved this drive across America's Middle West. A computerized wise-ass was my co-pilot.

The future of interactive technology relies heavily on the car understanding the driver, said Bryan Biniak, global vice president and general manager of Microsoft.

You don't know the Real Me, Honda Prelude. Also, I've got no interest in applying constant "patches" and "updates" to my malfunctioning ride, Mr. Microsoft.

"Ladies, could you please move? You're blocking my view of the engine."

If a driver is running late, for example, the car should know to adapt to the circumstance. One way to integrate this experience is through audio recognition, he said.

"Computer, I'm late. Please be as reckless as possible."

If a driver’s children are screaming the backseat, the car could know should know to switch the programming from loud music to trivia or a joke.

Or maybe inject them with some sort of paralytic poison.

The car should also slowly learn the driver’s personality, anticipating whether she would look for the cheapest gas station or the closest one when it’s time to fill up.

The idea that gas prices will one day vary wildly from one station to the next is a bigger fantasy than anything else in this article.

The vehicle would be able to take a grocery list and order it from Amazon or from Whole Foods, giving the driver time to handle other errands, Biniak added.

"Yo, car, get me some books or whatever."

“To get to the soul of a car and passenger, you need to know what is important in day to day circumstances,” he said.

Assuming you still have a soul, of course.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

I want a car I can afford.

COMPUTER: "Failed to connect to intelligence system."

Some people's minds are Urban and some are Rural, whereas mine is in the Outskirts of Absurdity.

"NO, I CANNOT RUN THAT GUY WITH THE 0BAMA BUMPER STICKER OFF THE ROAD."

Great. When I decide to get comfortably numb my car will take care of everything. I can hardly wait!

Check Out My Books! Have Your Car do the Ordering!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.