News You Can't Use: Three Glasses of Milk a Day Linked to Earlier Death

Milk is for babies. When you're an adult, you drink booze. This is pretty common sense stuff, yet it may take another deeply flawed Swedish study to finally make some people realize they're human beings and not baby bovines. The truth is finally here about the deadly nature of multiple glasses of milk, with plenty of "maybes" and "coulds" to provide plausible deniability when it turns out this study is contradicted by several thousand other, better studies. Still, might want to stop that GOMAD before you lose your gains to premature death.

The humble pinta could be a danger to health and even increase the risk of dying prematurely, according to shocking new research.

Yes, that Spanish ship might be a health risk, especially if you have no immunity to common European diseases. Don't even get me started on the sexual side-effects and possibility of stroke linked to Santa Maria abuse.

Drinking a few half pint glasses of milk every day does nothing to lower the chance of suffering broken bones, the research says, and can make the risk of an early death more likely.

Oh, they meant "pints." Yeah. "Oy, Gubnor, how's 'bout a pint o' the wite?" That sort of thing.

The study leaders say further research is needed before any dietary changes are recommended.

"I made up all the data the day before it was due, so please don't ruin your life over this."

But they fear the effects of high levels of lactose and galactose found in milk are to blame.

I'm lactose intolerant and have unimaginable white-hot hate for galactose. I'd like to see it purged from the face of the earth for the good of the fructose Master Sugar.

These sugars can increase oxidative stress and chronic inflammation in the body – both of which are major causes of a host of killer and chronic diseases.

Takes sip of milk, bursts into flames.

The research was conducted at the department of surgical sciences at ­Uppsala University in Sweden.

And for the last time, no, they can't introduce you to the national bikini team.

Lead researcher Professor Karl Michaelsson said: “Our results may question the validity of recommendations to consume high amounts of milk to prevent fragility fractures.

His Viking ancestors than rose from the grave and tore him to pieces. 

“The results should, however, be interpreted cautiously given the observational design of our study.

"I have to publish to keep my job, so I rushed out this deeply flawed nonsense. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused."

Professor Mary Schooling, of New York’s City University, said the new ­findings certainly raised fears about the potential harm of milk.

Could it be weaponized against the CHUDs and Disney mascots that plague our city? 

She said: “As milk consumption may rise globally with economic development and increasing consumption of animal source foods, the role of milk and mortality needs to be established now.”

Every single person that drank milk eventually died, so there's a clear link.

The Swedish team set out to examine whether high milk intake may increase oxidative stress, which, in turn, affects mortality and fracture risks.

Suffice it to say, this mission ended in total and humiliating failure.

Another Swedish team investigates the mortality and fracture risks of mixed drinks.

In contrast, a high intake of fermented milk products such as yoghurt was associated with lower rates of mortality and fracture, particularly in women. 

Let's be honest, fermentation improves just about anything.

“Individuals should still be encouraged to consume a balanced diet of which milk and dairy are key.”

Try using basic common sense...it's crazy enough to work.

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Komment Korner  

Yet another inference from statistical manipulation. 

NEXT WEEK THEY ARE GOING TO TELL YOU GATORADE IS THE DRINK PLANTS CRAVE.

Drinking it makes no sense unless you just need it to sog up your GMO cornflakes.

The adverse affects of the milk are nullified if you eat 6 chocolate chip cookies with each glass of milk. They must be dunked until slightly soggy, and then swallowed without chewing.

There are documentaries that claim World War II never happened.

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Forget 'Practice Makes Perfect' - Meditation is the Key to Success, Study Claims

Have you been working hard to become successful? No? Hey, don't worry about it. According to a highly biased study we can just serenity our way to victory, instead of wasting valuable "Ohm" time practicing a craft in order to improve. We were wrong to believe in something that's eminently obvious. The answer is clearly a westernized version of Eastern Mysticism that accepts all major credit cards. No personal checks, please.

Researchers say that however hard some people try, they won’t excel at their chosen job, sport or hobby.

Why is the clumsy, five-foot-nothing video game addict not becoming the next [Insert Famous Sports Star's Name Here]? Not enough navel-gazing is the correct answer.

This is because the key to perfection lies in the mind.

Yeah, thanks Yoda.

They have shown that people who rise to the top have ‘highly-integrated’ brains finely-tuned for creativity.

Intelligent and creative people tend to succeed, claims controversial article.

The good news for those not naturally blessed is that mediation may help.

And by "may" we mean "won't."

The advice from Dr Fred Travis, a US neuroscientist and advocate of Transcendental Meditation, contradicts the widely-held belief that practice will, eventually, make perfect.

Who would know better than some guy with not one, but two scraps of paper who stands to gain pecuniary benefit from this latest attack against things that are unquestionably true but make us sad or uneasy.

Some experts have even put a number on it, saying that 10,000 hours of hard graft make the difference between being good enough and being world class.

It's a British article, so I don't know what to tell you. "Hard graft" definitely sounds like the key to success if it is what I think it is "Here's some money, tell everyone it was my idea," or "Here's some material goods or services, let me run past you into the end zone." Yeah, that strategy sounds good to me.

Honestly, what's up with Britain? Any moderately good idea is "brilliant." Working hard at something is "graft." Honesty is probably know as "clubbing a seal" and compassion to the less fortunate might be called "deserting your post." This sort of thinking certainly explains the current economic, intellectual and moral golden age going on in the United Kingdom.

But Dr Travis, of the Maharishi University of Management in Iowa, said: ‘Some people put in long hours and do not excel.

They waited this long to reveal the massive conflict of interest. Another Maharishi U. snob. They're probably still smarting after losing last year's rivalry football game against Gandi State College of Engineering in Nebraska.

‘It is a simple fact that some people stand out and we are trying to tease out why.

Someone suggested "genetics" but this unperson was promptly excommunicated from higher education.

In the highly-integrated mind, connections between various regions of the brain are strong, attention is keen and the brain is quick to spring into action when faced with a question.

Beer and television will cure that.

When world-class athletes, top managers and professional managers have been tested, all have shown high levels of brain integration, Dr Travis said.

Meanwhile only some of them have the "Evil Gene."

Co-researcher Yvonne Lagrosen, of University West in Sweden, said that optimising brain functioning should be a priority.

"Getting smarter should be a priority!" says some Swedish diploma-mill victim. Pass.

Dr Travis said: ‘People who want to excel in any field should consider learning transcendental meditation.’

In the words of a great poet and philosopher: "I could teach you, but I'd have to charge."

Not a suitable replacement for "hard graft."

Once the provenance of hippies, the technique claims to wipe away anxieties and fears by helping people let go of their thoughts and enter a state of complete relaxation.

Well, that's explains why "Dr. Moonbeam" just cured cancer.

Studies have shown that world-leading sportsmen, composers, authors, chess players and even master criminals, have all put in that amount of effort.

So don't expect to inner-peace your way to successful criminality. 

Examples of those who have put in their 10,000 hours include the Beatles.

*Shrieks loudly and has minor epileptic fit*

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Komment Korner  

What is hard graft?

if you meditated for 24 hours per day you could rack up that 10,000 hours in just 416 days if you never slept or ate

Thanks scientists, for once again "discovering" something that everyone with a brain already knew.

A transcendental meditation Luxury Condo is for sale on Heavenly Mountain in Boone, NC for only $69k.

Google 147 Moonlight Ridge Boone NC! You will love this place!

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: $30,000 Coffin Comes With Music System

"Music is my life," declares some forgettable upright ape who neither composes songs nor plays an instrument of any kind. Good news, now it can also be your death! It's been said that death has a dignity all its own, but the combination of modern technology and some Euro-trash weirdo is working hard to change that. My long held dream of trolling my mourning family and friends with "Bass Cube" and "Bass Boy" tracks is almost within reach.

What do you buy for someone who has everything? How about a gift that keeps on giving after they die.

You mean like...vampirism?

A $30,000 coffin comes equipped with speakers and a a Spotify music streaming account.

The best part is the reasonable price, I'll definitely have plenty left over to build that mid-sized pyramid. Seriously, am I the only one who thinks the Funeral-Industrial complex is out of control? Let's get people at their most vulnerable and then gouge away with unbelievably stupid shit. I mean, is your love of "Lil Wayne" so all-defining that it must out-live you as a grotesque epitaph? Think hard before you answer.

If only this technology existed a century ago. We could wander through cemeteries hearing Andrews Sisters and Bob Crosby and "Yes, We Have No Bananas" blasting out of graves.

A Swedish company is selling the pricey resting spot with two-way speakers.

It's like Thomas Edison's creepy "death phone" mated with everything that's bad about 2013 western society. I look forward to passing a monument, hearing "We Can't Stop," sneering so much my face nearly breaks and saying something witty like "Apparently, you can, in fact, stop. Because you're dead."

It allows the living to hear what's playing for the departed. A digital display on the headstone will allow visitors to see what's playing.

The old joke about an entire cemetery flashing an LED "12:00" is finally realized. No more stupid introspection on your own mortality and need to make the most of the very short time we're given. Nope, here's awful Pop Music to tranquilize your senses, just like everywhere else.

The inventor. Big surprise, he's a creepy looking ghoul.

The owner of the first manufactured model of the CataCombo Sound System is Fredrik Hjelmquist. He allows strangers to add tracks to his playlist “Pause 4-ever”.

I'd ask him who he expects to buy this abomination, but let's be real: he only needs a few suckers.

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Komment Korner  

Does it also bounce up and down like a low-rider?

GEEZ, what do you hear when your dead? ONLY YOUR JUDGEMENT!

It's only a coffin if it has 6 sides, not 4. Do your research.

Now those formerly silent cemeteries are going to be spewing forth more loud and obnoxious music than an August low-rider parade.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.