Showing posts with label Dying To Get In. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dying To Get In. Show all posts

Friday, May 8, 2015

News You Can't Use: Tourists Flock to Experience Real-Life Cremation in ‘Death Simulator’ at Chinese Amusement Park

Nothing says psychological health and a general smooth running of the human machinery more than a fascination with your own mortality and the actual physical mechanics of the death process. Sadly, the ability to indulge this perfectly ordinary interest has been limited to totally indecipherable death metal lyrics, cemetery picnics and coffin window shopping. It's no surprise that in the realm of pretending to address the final mystery of life China is totally smoking our ass, just like in everything else. Now a fully functional death simulator has been produced by our money-loaning and lead toy importing friends and the tourists can't get enough of it.

Tourists around the world are being drawn to a bizarre 'death simulator' at a Chinese amusement park, that offers you the chance to experience cremation.

I guess I should learn to temper my high expectations when reading back page news, but this is a pretty serious bring-down. It's more a "getting set on fire" simulator than a chance to explore the dark crossing into whatever is or isn't there. You're deceptive, British online news source.

The ride, called 'The Cremator', offers the morbidly curious to opportunity to find out what it might feel like to be cremated using a system of hot air and light projections.

What we have here is a more extreme version of the buried alive experience, where somehow they skipped all the embalming goodness and are feeding your still living body into the high heat. I don't know if a heater and creative lighting can do justice to something that horrific, but it's one of those "I gots to know" situations, apparently.

But punters at the 'Window of the World' amusement park must first be settled into their temporary coffins, according to the People's Daily Online.

Here's what happens to the "punters" that can't reliably get the ball within the twenty yard line. Fair punishment, I think.

The Window of the World park is a 'cultural theme park' in Shenzhen that boasts an incredible range of attractions crammed into its 48 hectares.

The fun thing with getting your news from Airstrip One is all the words that I either don't understand or have no conception of their significance. We don't know 'bout no hectares here in Murrka, just high fat foods and gun violence.

Among these are an astonishing 130 models of the world's most famous landmark attractions in miniature, including Buckingham Palace, the Eiffel Tower, the Colosseum, the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Mount Rushmore.

Ok, we've seen the tiny version of the Kremlin. Let's go get cremated before the line gets ridiculous.

The experience begins with a journey through the 'morgue', following which they are placed in a coffin and put on a conveyor belt.

Beware any endeavor that begins with a trip to a simulated morgue.

Screams and shrieks echo through the chamber, and everyone who tries the ride comes out drenched in sweat.

This could be re-branded in the USA as the "mild cardiovascular exercise" simulator and it would probably be just as scary for most people.

Although whether the sweat is from fear or from the extreme heat has not been made clear.

Try tasting it. Terror sweat has that sickly sweetness.

Prepare to have your remaining dignity burned away.

'I am never coming back,' said a number of women on leaving the ride, while laughing nervously.

The people love it!

Staff at the ride said that the 'cremation' effect is actually a clever use of hot air machines, which pump out air at 40 degrees Celsius.

I just found out what a "hectare" is, now this. That's hot, I guess.

The staff explained that the customers who are passing through the ride feel a sudden blast of hot air, 'which makes them feel as though they are being cremated'.

You have to use your imagination a little.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

Looks hi tech

what strange people.........40°C isn't anything close to being 'like a crematorium', crematorium ovens are 870 to 980 °C....

That culture is really starved for entertainment

I went to that place the year it opened and the models were fantastic, 5 yeas later & it looks like a dump Many of the models are broken and the miniature statues have been stolen.



Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

News You Can't Use: $30,000 Coffin Comes With Music System

"Music is my life," declares some forgettable upright ape who neither composes songs nor plays an instrument of any kind. Good news, now it can also be your death! It's been said that death has a dignity all its own, but the combination of modern technology and some Euro-trash weirdo is working hard to change that. My long held dream of trolling my mourning family and friends with "Bass Cube" and "Bass Boy" tracks is almost within reach.

What do you buy for someone who has everything? How about a gift that keeps on giving after they die.

You mean like...vampirism?

A $30,000 coffin comes equipped with speakers and a a Spotify music streaming account.

The best part is the reasonable price, I'll definitely have plenty left over to build that mid-sized pyramid. Seriously, am I the only one who thinks the Funeral-Industrial complex is out of control? Let's get people at their most vulnerable and then gouge away with unbelievably stupid shit. I mean, is your love of "Lil Wayne" so all-defining that it must out-live you as a grotesque epitaph? Think hard before you answer.

If only this technology existed a century ago. We could wander through cemeteries hearing Andrews Sisters and Bob Crosby and "Yes, We Have No Bananas" blasting out of graves.

A Swedish company is selling the pricey resting spot with two-way speakers.

It's like Thomas Edison's creepy "death phone" mated with everything that's bad about 2013 western society. I look forward to passing a monument, hearing "We Can't Stop," sneering so much my face nearly breaks and saying something witty like "Apparently, you can, in fact, stop. Because you're dead."

It allows the living to hear what's playing for the departed. A digital display on the headstone will allow visitors to see what's playing.

The old joke about an entire cemetery flashing an LED "12:00" is finally realized. No more stupid introspection on your own mortality and need to make the most of the very short time we're given. Nope, here's awful Pop Music to tranquilize your senses, just like everywhere else.

The inventor. Big surprise, he's a creepy looking ghoul.

The owner of the first manufactured model of the CataCombo Sound System is Fredrik Hjelmquist. He allows strangers to add tracks to his playlist “Pause 4-ever”.

I'd ask him who he expects to buy this abomination, but let's be real: he only needs a few suckers.


Komment Korner  

Does it also bounce up and down like a low-rider?

GEEZ, what do you hear when your dead? ONLY YOUR JUDGEMENT!

It's only a coffin if it has 6 sides, not 4. Do your research.

Now those formerly silent cemeteries are going to be spewing forth more loud and obnoxious music than an August low-rider parade.


Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.