Wednesday, September 4, 2013

News You Can't Use: $30,000 Coffin Comes With Music System

"Music is my life," declares some forgettable upright ape who neither composes songs nor plays an instrument of any kind. Good news, now it can also be your death! It's been said that death has a dignity all its own, but the combination of modern technology and some Euro-trash weirdo is working hard to change that. My long held dream of trolling my mourning family and friends with "Bass Cube" and "Bass Boy" tracks is almost within reach.

What do you buy for someone who has everything? How about a gift that keeps on giving after they die.

You mean like...vampirism?

A $30,000 coffin comes equipped with speakers and a a Spotify music streaming account.

The best part is the reasonable price, I'll definitely have plenty left over to build that mid-sized pyramid. Seriously, am I the only one who thinks the Funeral-Industrial complex is out of control? Let's get people at their most vulnerable and then gouge away with unbelievably stupid shit. I mean, is your love of "Lil Wayne" so all-defining that it must out-live you as a grotesque epitaph? Think hard before you answer.

If only this technology existed a century ago. We could wander through cemeteries hearing Andrews Sisters and Bob Crosby and "Yes, We Have No Bananas" blasting out of graves.

A Swedish company is selling the pricey resting spot with two-way speakers.

It's like Thomas Edison's creepy "death phone" mated with everything that's bad about 2013 western society. I look forward to passing a monument, hearing "We Can't Stop," sneering so much my face nearly breaks and saying something witty like "Apparently, you can, in fact, stop. Because you're dead."

It allows the living to hear what's playing for the departed. A digital display on the headstone will allow visitors to see what's playing.

The old joke about an entire cemetery flashing an LED "12:00" is finally realized. No more stupid introspection on your own mortality and need to make the most of the very short time we're given. Nope, here's awful Pop Music to tranquilize your senses, just like everywhere else.

The inventor. Big surprise, he's a creepy looking ghoul.

The owner of the first manufactured model of the CataCombo Sound System is Fredrik Hjelmquist. He allows strangers to add tracks to his playlist “Pause 4-ever”.

I'd ask him who he expects to buy this abomination, but let's be real: he only needs a few suckers.

Komment Korner  

Does it also bounce up and down like a low-rider?

GEEZ, what do you hear when your dead? ONLY YOUR JUDGEMENT!

It's only a coffin if it has 6 sides, not 4. Do your research.

Now those formerly silent cemeteries are going to be spewing forth more loud and obnoxious music than an August low-rider parade.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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