Friday, September 20, 2013

DotTeeVee: It Ain't Worth It

Today we're going to revisit two things I'd rather not: the funky fresh early nineties and the "sex = death" movement that was popular back then. Forgive any bitterness that sneaks into this recap, but I was in high school at the time and let's just say I already had the whole "don't have sexual intercourse" thing on lock down without any help from taxpayer dollars, professional athletes and rap songs by Rob Bass wannabes. I'm not saying things would necessarily have been better if this climate hadn't existed, but there's no romantic drought so bad that it can't be made worse by endless "even touching a penis could kill you!" propaganda.

But enough about that. Let's throw on some parachute pants, snap on some ill shades, grab a round ball and hit the court with NBA 2001 Sportsmanship Award winner David Robinson and a bunch of extras we hired! Let's hoop it up! This is much better than receiving oral sex.

All is not well, however. Young ladies who resemble back-up dancers from a Tone Loc video are threatening to kill the healthy, non-sexual good times by literally giving the "come on over" gesture to one of the non-David Robinson players. Instead of recoiling away from the horrific prospect of kissing or God only knows what else with an attractive woman, as any decent, moral young man would, he actually seems into it. It ain't worth it, man.

This results in a ball bouncing off his head. I don't claim to be an expert on the rules of second story hockey, but I'm almost certain this is a Bad Thing. If only this guy was on a soccer team, he'd probably be the hero. Instead the pride of the United States Naval Academy takes umbrage. In a funny detail I notice that's he at least a foot taller than any of the other players. Made next time you should pass it to the nearly seven foot NBA player instead of a skinny, nondescript white teen who isn't even paying attention. Honestly, what the hell?

This is the eighties and I'm down with the ladies.

The man who was once the softest player on a team that also featured Tim Duncan isn't happy. He lays it out: play ball or women, choose wisely. The obvious correct choice is playing "shirts and skins" with a creepy overly tall guy that used to be a "seaman" and making constant bodily contact with other men while dripping sweat and gasping for breath.

Incredibly, the other option is selected. Your funeral, dude. Really. I bet this video ends with his teammates tucking the basketball into this guy's casket after Super AIDS kills him dead. In any case our doomed anti-hero declares he's "down with the honies" which is already hilarious enough without the actor delivering the line resembling a younger, whiter Larry Bird. 

Mr. Robinson makes a face of equal parts disgust and disbelief. He'd rather feel the touch of a woman than hang out with a guy who won a silver medal in the 1987 Pan-Am Games. What's up with that? 

This is the nineties and wanting sex is evil and disgusting.
We get a funky beat and meet two more ladies, but don't get any ideas because these are good girls, not like the horrific succubi that seduce dorky men at pick-up basketball games and then steal their precious bodily fluids. Their definition of safe sex? "No sex!" Those are definitely two words I've gotten used to hearing together.

Hey look! It's NBA journeyman A.C. Green! No, it doesn't stand for "Air Conditioning" or even "Anti-Cuddling" which would be apropos here. In fact, it stands for nothing at all. His first (and middle?) name is just letters. Neat. He calls sex the "S" word, which I'm pretty sure is a title already held by "shit." Speaking of which, he promises "fun" and a "slamming" music video. He's wearing a shirt that says "no" which I'm assuming is the correct response to offers of S word #2 and not a reference to "Say No to Drugs!" another well-conceived and highly successful program going on at the same time.

He also won a personal battle with chronic hiccups. No kidding.

Another young lady discusses the dynamics of popularity and how the Adult Act figures in. There's a common belief that the two are linked and "only the cool people are having sex." I guess she's never heard of "band camp." We get an awkward summation with "if you have to follow everyone else and have sex, then who's the outcast?" Excuse me, what? Honestly, it's like a zen koan. I've spent about an hour trying to figure out what, if anything, it means. You're not the outcast, because you're going along. Everyone else is who you're following, so it isn't them, either. Who is left? Maybe A.C. Green or something? I don't know. One hand clapping, tree falling in the woods. 

With my head hurting from trying to parse a statement that defied conventional western logical tradition I'm more than a little relieved to see David Robinson again. This time, he's telling us to think before we act, which is good advice. He then equates sharing an intimate act with someone you care deeply about to "pain and death." 

It's now time for footage from the slamming music video! I'm really not equipped to review this, other than to say the rapping calls to mind an alternate dimension version of Young M.C. who is all about teaching us not to bust a move. The song rhymes "sex" with "latex" and generally hammers home the central message of "just don't do it" that you might have missed the first twenty times. One particular highlight is the return of the "down with the honies" guy and the honies alluded to in that line, now obviously reformed and spared from the horrific deaths that seemed their inescapable fate. 

He had won the victory over himself. He loved Big Robinson.

It's NFL running back legend Barry Sanders! He's holding a basketball for some reason. I guess they blew most of the budget on that slamming video and there wasn't enough left over for a football. He has absolutely nothing original to say, but I guess was included for the benefit of the one kid who was all "I'm not letting sissy NBA guys tell me not to do the Wild Thing!" who then was forced to revise this position after hearing from the only good player the Detroit Lions have had in the last thirty years.

One last reminder that sex will kill you from Barry, and we're done.

Komment Korner  

 I sure miss the days of watching basketball star Barry Sanders doing slam dunks for the Detroit Lions
 I'm through with this video, I'm down with the honies

why didnt they get wilt chamberlain or magic johnson?

I wonder if A.C Green is still a virgin

It Ain't Worth It!

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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