Friday, September 6, 2013

DotTeeVee: YouTube League of American Football

Are you ready for some football? And by that, I mean are you ready to passively watch others play it while you pour brewed pollution into your misshapen maw? Of course you are. What could be better than a sport that features lots of monetized downtime, an endless and largely meaningless season and a fully supported Dungeons and Dragon-style "fantasy" element where instead of controlling your character you just pick random steroid monsters and use your hoping powers to make them perform? Incredibly, there is one thing that is better. Short, bizarre football videos fresh from the electronic oven!

Our first video is thirty seconds worth of footage from an NIU vs. Iowa college football game that features no live ball-in-play footage whatsoever. I know, I'm excited too, but we have to get under control and get through this. While one of the players jogs in a seemingly random direction the announcer, the real star of this video, declares that the pass "wanted to be caught." It wanted it so bad. It was practically begging for that sweet, sweet embrace of a successful completion. You're not gonna see a pass more fully compliant and prepared for The Act of Catching than that one. Not in a million years.

You're probably wondering if you can use your shoulder to catch a football. The answer is no, even if the ball in question wants it so bad it's practically throbbing as it arcs its way toward the edges of your body. We get a shot of a crowd doing some sort of clapping motion that would be rejected by most dictators as an impractical "loyalty hand gesture." We have elbows, guys, let's use 'em.

Later on the game that will determine that best college football team ever: Akron vs. Toledo.

We discuss the evolutionary and/or special creation aspects of catching an irregularly shaped object while a replay of that whole "it wanted it, but I gave the shoulder" incident is shown. Our natural tendency, the end result of millions of years of natural selection, mutation, ancient alien biological experimentation and/or the direct will of a personal deity is to use our body to catch a ball, which sounds like a good idea until you notice the we have these things called "hands" that can actually grab on to things, including a hypothetical object hurled at us in a sporting competition of some kind.

The announcer continues to sing the praises of the human hand and it's hard to disagree with him. Unlike that do-nothing shoulder it can "caress." Yup, already back to the oddly sexual language. Meanwhile, literally nothing is happening on the field. Well, all right, a guy named "Andy" is warming up to kick the ball. I can see how this sport got to be so popular.

Then we get the entire reason this thing got posted, as the other announcers says "that's kind of gay." We're talking about caressing balls, wise guy. I don't see what part of that is gay, I really don't. Meanwhile, the kick returner makes the sign of the cross for some reason, adding to the surreal nature of two grown men explaining what the hand is and then veering into homo-erotica for no good reason.

Andy's gonna kick it! After another three minute commercial break, that is.

The video ends without the ball being punted, if you care.

Komment Korner  

In his defense, it was kinda gay.  

LMAO @ the long, awkward pause after. You know he's thinking "Welp...I'm getting fired."

"honey the gays made me lose my job" 

You know what else rules? Penalties. Everything about them is geared for maximum righteousness, from the selective way they are called, the little yellow napkins and the memorable calls they in our next video! 

It's another college game, as if the 37-0 score wasn't enough of a giveaway. "You got to like all those Maryland linebackers." Yes, you do. You have no choice in the matter. Win the battle over yourself and learn to love the Maryland linebackers.

We actually get to see a play in progress! It's a sweep left for a moderate gain. Time to give myself another point or two on the "fantasy" ledger, where my "team" consists of all the Maryland linebackers, Andy Dittbenner, a High Elf fighter/magic user and maybe Peyton Manning if he's still available in round ten.

But wait! There's a penalty! More milling around ensues, naturally. We kill some time talking about the massive human cost of this spectacle, specifically ten injured players. Yeah, even something as innocent as running full speed into huge men can apparently end badly.

  "Trying to saw the opponent's hand off, five yard penalty..."

The zebra explains that #69 was "giving him the business" provoking much hardly laughter and a "I didn't do nothing!" posture from the guilty player. The announcer declares it the "quote of the year." Forget "ask not what your country can do for you" or even "you didn't build that." This is the real sparkling gem of conversation brilliance. Giving him the business. Yeah.

Making things worse, we're then told there would be a lot of flags if "giving the business" was really a violation of the social contract expected of these fine sportsmen. "We can't even give you a verbal interpretation of it." Sometimes you have to just acknowledge the singular beauty of the moment in silence.

Komment Korner   
Quote of the year? Quote of the century


Can anybody explain it to me? My English is not soo good and I don´t watch football^.^

Try to catch the ball with your shoulders, give some guy the business, that's fine. But you never go "full retard." Except in this next video, apparently. This is from a series called "C'mon Man" which airs in between "What's the Haps" and "Hold Up, Darnell." 

Florida is playing Florida State. The play unfolds while the individual that has decided to fully embody an intelligence quotient of 70 or less stays in his stance, motionless. I guess this is what they call "taking a play off."

 Officials suspect "freeze ray" abuse.

The "C'mon Man" commentators wrap it up emphatically, if somewhat predictably, by saying their catch phrase. We may never know if the man in question actually "came on" or not, but I like to pretend that he did. 

Komment Korner 

Yes I agree. Well you be at the gay parade, and later therapy, to discuss how we were sodomized as kids? I'd love to hear your story! 

First of all, its not wrong or unacceptable. Its wrong AND unacceptable if you use it to describe a mentally slow person. It's a noun. You can use it to describe stupidity. Where stupidity is defined as doing stupid stuff.


maybe his bitch was like "if you don't move on a play, I'll give you some pussy".

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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