News You Can't Use: What Do Millionaires Know That We Don't? Optimism Hits High

It's not easy being a millionaire. You probably only own one mansion and chances are it's only somewhat impressive instead of being a staggering monument to decadence and waste like we all deserve. Should there be a nuclear holocaust you'd probably die right alongside the pathetic troglodyte who only has a net worth of $750,000. If you commit some horrible crime, there's even a small chance you'll see the interior of a prison cell. Yes, it's hard out there for the seven figure crew. Nevertheless, there is optimism.

Millionaires are feeling good. Maybe too good.

"They're checking the fence for weakness, but they're doing it in a systematic fashion, a fashion that suggests intelligence, learning even." The hunter stared grimly at the pen, rifle lowered but ready.
 
"You're just being paranoid. They're millionaires, they don't think. It's just instinct that's creating the illusion of some thought process."

The Spectrem Group's Millionaire Confidence Index, which measures the investment outlook of the wealthy, reached its highest limit in its 9½-year history. After bumping along in single digits since the recession, millionaire confidence suddenly spiked to 23.

I didn't think I'd see a 23 in my lifetime, but there it is. This is truly a historic moment on par with the moon landing or any given Clinton apology speech.

Basically, that means millionaires—those with $1 million or more in investible assets—are poised to move some of their huge piles of cash off the sidelines and into the market. The last time the index hit 23 was when it launched in 2004.

Typos, patronizing explanations, a statement that contradicts the previous paragraph...yeah, this is internet journalism all right.

There are three possible explanations. First, the survey was taken before the Syrian flareup or the debt ceiling or the End of Summers. Things may change for them in September.

"Ah yes, that little bit of unpleasantness in the Assyrian colonies and that minor fuss about government collapse. Probably nothing, but I'll put off getting that new set of Diamond teeth until it blows over."

The second possible explanation is that the wealthy are seeing sunlight through the investment clouds better than the rest of the population.

Because when you think of plutocrats the first thing that springs to mind are awkward metaphors that suggest drug intoxication.

The third possible explanation is my own. My theory is that the wealthy spent so much time cavorting in the Hamptons and the South of France in August that their brains got sunburned. Now that they're back in the office, we may see a more realistic number in September.

Let's leave the jokes to unpaid amateurs, we're a lot better at it.

After being jailed over a dozen times you learn to look on the bright side.

Komment Korner  

The author of this article should be fired for incompetence, along with the editor of this "tabloid" type news reporting.

Well, golly Moses, if I was a millionaire I'd be feeling pretty optimistic too. Geez Louise, what a waste of space.

We had to boost the assets of Millionaires and Billionaires or the world was going to end. BTW how's that burger flipper job working out for you?

Gee thanks Barack

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.