DotTeeVee: Proposing To Elsa

What happens when a twig of a man with pattern baldness and general social incompetence decides it's a good idea to propose marriage to a young lady he doesn't even know? And did I mention the woman in question is portraying a Disney princess at the time? The short answer, obviously, is "lots of involuntary cringing, total failure" but we're here because we want the long answer. Besides, at least the amazing professionalism that will be displayed by "Princess Elsa" will restore some of the faith in humanity you'll lose thanks to our balding anti-hero.

It's not a bald spot, it's a solar panel for a social retardation machine.

We get off to a promising start as our scrawny shut-in approaches reasonable facsimiles of his favorite movie princesses and announces he's going to be celebrating something, earning the enthusiastic response from the royal sisters that Disney kayfabe demands. While this is happening we can note the slouching posture, noodle arms, glasses, terrible hairstyle and ragged hoodie on this piece of work. As we all know, wearing a hoodie, up to no goodie. I honestly feel a little bad piling on this guy like this (and we only just started!) but trust me, he deserves every bit of it.

He informs the live-action re-imaginings that he'll be getting married, "I hope." There is a time and a place for deploying your awesome hoping powers, but when it comes to Holy Matrimony there's a certain advantage to being reasonably certain of a successful outcome. Excellent life advice aside, the Hans Christian Andersen characters react with appropriately over-wrought joy. We're all rooting for you to beat the odds you pathetic rat of a man, honest we are.

 Let the entire kingdom celebrate!

It's time to veer into uncomfortable territory as he asks the one that isn't Elsa (I'm sure she has a name, but come on, I ain't looking it up) if she's eighteen. We're about one awkward step away from "I can't control my horny level" full-on creeping. Luckily this goof is so physically unimposing the ladies can play it off as a joke and go into this bit about how "Princesses never tell their age." I don't know if that's true or not, but it's fine improvisation when faced with a potential supreme gentleman. 

The way "Elsa" will stay in character, it's impressive. She's almost as good as this one dude at the Renaissance fair who acts amazed and/or terrified toward all modern technologies, gives historically accurate answers to every question that isn't dismissed as "witch/heretic speak," talks about retaking Constantinople and demonstrates flails and war hammers by smashing watermelons with them. 

Now that we've established that Elsa is the older sister and thus more likely to be past the age of consent it's time to take a knee and present the ring. When it comes to watching a man kneeling on my China box, I think I had a more positive reaction to Colin Kaepernick. Considering the circumstances, the Princesses do a decent job of hiding their obvious discomfort and disgust. Whatever Disney pays them, it should be a lot more. Imagine, for example, if store clerks were expected to be comically happy and deeply enthusiastic for every customer, while at the same time behaving in a special affected way that isn't their real personality. You probably can't imagine that, because it's what's waiting in Heaven.  

Can that funny snowman character show you out while you still have some remaining dignity?

The Snow Queen even cites events from the movie "Frozen" to back up the rejection, noting that she can't marry someone she "just met," even if that person is a handsome Prince for fictional Russia with the serial numbers filed off and not a hoodie-wearing degenerate. She even invites him to "hang out" in her fantasy kingdom sometime, but let's start with a super awkward picture, shall we? I'm talking double hover-hands. And, to be perfectly frank, there's enough separation that we might be seeing orbit hands. Good grief. Life has completely kicked your ass, dude. Let it go.

I'll stand behind you in cruciform, women love that.

An unseen woman announces this is also being video-taped, because this is clearly a moment you'll want to relive over and over. More beta body language, the decrepit light jacket has Mickey Moose on it...there's more but I'm through with this. Time to send us home smiling with the best YouTube comment section ever. I'm dead serious.

Komment Korner  

I couldn't watch the whole thing, this shit had me clutching my chest and grinding my teeth... oh fuck...

"are you 18" its a place for childred fgs. leave the creepy shit out you weird balding loser

General Hoverhands, reporting for duty.

Man, imagine having a job where you have to play along and be nice to these weirdo creeps.

yo why is everyon hatin yo this guys a boss yo keep up the good work yo i tried to fuck tinkerbell yo

Damn that elsa was smooth af being able to come up with that on the spot. GGWP.

make it stop, dear god

this is what 2pac was working on before he died

keep trying. maybe itll work next time. be sure to record it and upload it next time again so the whole world can see you!

Well, final commentator, we know that's not gonna happen. He clearly learned his lesson, right?

Right???

No God, no!!!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

DotTeeVee: Zejx's Wife Flips

Today's incredible video is the sort of thing that might be unearthed one day by alien visitors trying to understand why they've stumbled on an otherwise habitable planet completely free from even the most rudimentary signs of civilization. Well, that or just another forgettable "Look at these guys play a game!" video that has become all the rage with generation nothing because simply ruining your life with joystick time is no longer pathetic enough and we need a new sub-basement of failure where the experience is made completely passive. Stir in some unfunny jokes and a domestic conflict worthy of a Cops: Special Basement Dwelling Loser Edition and entertainment is on the way.

 Watching other people watch a loading screen. People do this. Voluntarily. 

The two court jesters of this modern era are already deep in some game, selecting from a variety of guns. Before fears that these murder simulator players might take their violence into the so-called "real world" can be fully realized one of the disheveled "gamers" lazily makes a joke about his friend having a small penis. Neither man laughs. This is great, I can see why it's so popular. Well, back to fish-eying that "please wait" alert.

There's some random clicking, uncomfortable eye contact between the gentlemen bonding over an arcade game and yet more loading bars. I'm assuming the floating gun starts soon, but it's strictly an article of faith with little to back it up. While we're waiting we get another sort of gun show as both vidiots favor us with some bicep poses for reasons unknown. Suffice it to say, progressive resistance training must be sacrificed if you want to have a career in bleep blooping for the 'tubes.

Would you believe this was obtained with no regular exercise and a diet consisting mainly of salted snacks and sugar water?

The lack of mass, hypertrophy, striation or vascularity generates a fair amount of shared mirth from our hosts and it's this hearty laughter that causes the "flip" we were promised. A woman whose vocal demeanor suggests she's our hero's mother more than his missing soul half interrupts the gaiety to declare the baby isn't sleeping and she's not happy. The door slams, we get some footage of what looks like a "You're a soldier!" bit of interactive television and some profanity is exchanged.

This guy's life is basically the cargo cult equivalent of normal adult married life. The elements that should be present are there, but they're clearly just pathetic fabrications, a feeble imitation of the real thing, an illusion with physical form. Meanwhile the failure and pathology one associates with those island cultists is present and very, very real. Insofar that we can judge society's trajectory by its dregs and outcasts, what we see here is not a good omen.

Anyway, the electronic lotus eater is all "Get off my back Mom Wife" but expresses it with misapplied sweating words. This earns him the threat of having the computer taken away. Meanwhile the virtual soldier continues to plod forward, in a strange way representing the healthy masculinity and willingness to sacrifice for a greater good that's ironically so totally absent in the human wreckage guiding this flickering puppet. 

We get the dreaded double dog dare. I can't believe she skipped right over the double dare right to the ultimate version. Yes, these are ostensibly adults. The action man on the screen finally reaches a building and is promptly killed. Rest in peace imaginary disposable hero. You deserved better. The bickering continues. 

You are an emotionally stunted man-child. Game Over.

More cursing, a "Congratulations" given out sarcastically (Yeah, just what we needed) and another slam of the door follows. We then get a debate over what's causing the "not not sleeping" which I'm pretty sure would you mean that sleeping is actually happening, what with the mangled grammar and all. The video game is loading again. Oh well, it's worth it for twenty seconds of exciting walking action, while being screamed at the entire time by reminders of my gut-shot life. 

"Look at the spam!" we are told after several seconds of dead air. Just riveting stuff. Finally the soldier character is back, apparently fully healed and ready to resume his pointless and unwinnable struggle. Huh, might be an allegory or something there. We learn the other half of our dream video game team "Doesn't have a kid" which somehow isn't the most shocking revelation. It's hard to imagine a better form of birth control than playing toy soldiers on your computer all day, everyday.  

We end with a small amount of uncomfortable self-awareness, noting "She sounded like my Mom." Yeah. I'm sure the "Did you get a job today?" nagging will resume shortly. Until then, there's a war to be won, a pixelated field to run through and an eager audience that just can't get enough.

Watch the video. 

LOL, can't wait to post this on social media.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.