Wednesday, June 21, 2017

News You Can't Use: A Bunch Of CIA Staff Got Fired For Stealing Snacks From Vending Machines

I'm CIA. Uh, you don't get to bring your goofy article about how my coworkers are stealing snacks. Or you do, I guess. I'll call it in.

Several CIA contractors were kicked out of the agency for stealing more than $3,000 in snacks from vending machines, according to official documents newly obtained by BuzzFeed News.

When I'm suffering from between meal hunger you can't expect me to destabilize foreign governments or invent new street drugs. Besides, that one dollar, American, price is far too much to pay for salted goods and chocolate bar variations.

The thefts took place starting in the fall of 2012 and continued through March 2013, according to a declassified Office of Inspector General report from October 2013.

I'm losing respect for the "Russian Hackers" in light of the fact that our own super agents couldn't stop their own people from tipping the machine to make it dispense free product, in defiance of claims on that warning sticker.

The "theft scheme" involved unplugging a cable connecting the machines to an electronic payment system called FreedomPay, and then using "unfunded FreedomPay cards" to buy the snacks at no cost.

This clever scheme involved unplugging things. My proposed "tipping the machine" is practically James Bond stuff compared to this low effort caper. Now we know why Castro died of natural causes at a ripe old age.

After being informed of the thefts, the OIG installed "surveillance cameras at several key vending locations where a high occurrence of thefts were taking place," according to the report.

Then they put tape over the lens and we were back to square one. We couldn't topple Ukraine, but when it comes to stealing Kit Kats and Hog Logs we're an unstoppable force.

"Video footage recovered from the surveillance cameras captured numerous perpetrators engaged in the FreedomPay theft scheme, all of whom were readily identifiable as Agency contract personnel," the report states.

Actually the cameras worked, so it appears the total incompetence and laziness is evenly distributed throughout our glorious deep state swamp.

Investigators pinpointed one unidentified contract employee as having masterminded the scheme thanks to "his knowledge of computer networks." 

My extensive computer hacking knowledge taught me that electronics don't work when they're unplugged.

They quickly admitted to the thefts. All then surrendered their CIA badges, were escorted from the building by security, and were fired by their respective contract employers.

No regrets, am I right?

What would happen if I unplugged that snack machine? Would you die?

The OIG referred the matter to the US Attorney's office for Eastern District of Virginia for prosecution, but the Department of Justice declined to press charges. 

If you still think Hillary Clinton is going to do prison time, consider the above sentence.

Komment Korner   

A few candy bars is worth far, far less than a creative person.

Gurl, losing your government job over a damn Snickers? Really bitch?

With a budget of almost 15 billion (if you count black budget as well), it is nice to see them busting a $3000 dollar candy ring.

Shut up already about Hillary.

My grandma once taught me "Never steal anything that isn't worth the salary you'd lose doing the jail time."

Finally, integrety and accountability in government.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

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