Saturday, February 15, 2014

DotTeeVee: Antoine Roussel vs Kevin Klein

Is there a better way to celebrate winter sport and the athlete's journey than a 90 second hockey video, illegally posted with neither expressed or implied permission from the NHL, featuring two "goons" I've never heard of awkwardly brawling while sliding around on skates with most of their heads protected by gear while an announcer reacts to this bizarre spectacle "like a ten year old watching their first porn," as one commentator put it. The answer is, of course, "yes."

 Somehow the one on 2.5 rush led to an excellent scoring chance.

Everything is better on ice, that's for sure. Disney, a decomposing body, sports, it's all improved by water in a solid state. Here the representative of "DAL" manages to get a shot on goal from the point that hits the pipe. I promise that will be the last use of lame sports jargon in this review, especially since there won't be any opportunities to go nuts over a "saucer pass" because we end up fighting for the rest of this video. "Come on LaMellioux, sauce that thing!" All right, it's out of my system.

The net comes loose and the players converge in a less than orderly fashion, perhaps arguing over who will be responsible for putting the goal back, a process that I'm assuming is assigned to a random player and is super difficult. This leads to some "jousting" which is actually one of the less ridiculous bits of metaphor this announcer will be providing. 

All right, who has my missing stick? Behind me? I'm not falling for that!

Things quickly break down as the two designated "police officers" of each team somehow find each other in the scrum and begin trying to punch each other in the head, apparently unconcerned about the helmet and visor, both of which are significantly stronger than a closed human hand. The officials are fairly apathetic, I guess realizing that this is hockey and a certain amount of violent sociopathy is both expected and encouraged and also the only thing getting hurt here is the knuckles.

"Stop it guys! You'll ruin the honor system for the rest of us!"

The "youth watching first porn" announcer is going nuts. He declares it to be "old school" and "rock 'em, sock 'em" as both combatants finally start to isolate the small amount of facial region not heavily protected. Imagine trying to stab an armored knight through the slits in his helmet and you're not far off. "Old school," indeed, or as they called it back then "school."

Roussel looses his helmet and his opponent, perhaps sensing that his enemy can finally actually be damaged by his attacks, tries to finish the job but is too tired after wasting all that energy ineffectually flailing at a vinyl nitrile shell and only manages a shot or two before becoming completely exhausted. 

Ow, my hand hurts! I can't figure out how that happened.

One of the first rules they should teach sports commentators is to avoid turns of phrase that sound like the titles of a pornographic videos from the nineties. This rule is broken with the pronouncement that the two warriors were "standing back and feeding each other the meat candy." Yeah. We're trying to downplay the massive homo-erotica of two muscular guys pounding away on each other before collapsing exhausted and spent into each others arms.

I like how the pig is happy about being brutally killed and then eaten by obese Americans.

Perhaps eager to move on from this awkward moment we discuss the shot that led to the fight, this time calling it a "stop and pop." Sorry, I guess once the mind goes into the gutter it stays there. We discuss the road that lead to this war. There was "foreshadowing" when Roussel was making himself a "nuisance" and this led to the "fistics." Yeah, it's like the world's worst work of literature. Chekov's hockey stick, etc.

Also: "I'll teach you to be a nuisance!" *punches helmet repeatedly*

Great, now we can add "punching the helmet" to the list of innuendos this video has generated.

We talk about "punching windows" and the need for uppercuts to actually do any damage. As meaningless, socially reprehensible and grotesquely comical as it all was, we can still agree it was "quite a tilt." 

Must...feed...meat candy...

Komment Korner  

Klein is a pretty underrated fighter. He really tries to fuck people up when he decides to drop  the mitts. 

Put on a helmet with a visor and let your friend punch you as hard as he can in the visor. You won't do it.

and now klein's a ranger

THIS is how it's done!  Going at it at 100 mph, like they're going to EAT each other when they're done...CLASSIC!!

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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