Wednesday, February 19, 2014

News You Can't Use: Man Robs Store Wearing Flower Pot as Disguise, Wielding Chainsaw

You come from a land down under. You tilt that bottle. You watch too many horror movies, are deeply involved in botany and are robbery-curious. Can these disparate details be combined into one of those rare moments when the banality of evil suddenly becomes the amazing originality of evil? The answer probably won't surprise you.

If there were awards for such things, an Australian teen would assuredly win the prize for most unique robbery attempt.

If there were awards for such things there would finally be something other than "most soda consumed" and "fastest decline" for U.S. Americans to shine out in, efforts of our friends on the bottom of the globe notwithstanding.

According to the Queensland Times, police were called to a local 7-Eleven store after reports that a chainsaw-wielding suspect, wearing a flowerpot on his head to disguise his identity, made a memorable attempt to rob the store.

We are all witnesses. We will never forget. A crazed, boozed up Aussie who was probably all "that's not a portable mechanical saw...THIS is a portable mechanical saw!" will live forever in the memories of all those he touched, threatened or tried to saw limbs off of.

The New South Wales Chainsaw Massacre, featuring Pot Head.

Workers at the convenience store say around 4:30 a.m. Monday the suspect, Steven Frank Steele, entered the store and began terrorizing them in an attempt to rob the place. 

"When you work this sort of job you expect to be terrorized and get pretty jaded toward it."

They say Steele "lunged at them" with the chainsaw and then attacked several display racks and a window while demanding money.

No, not the display of hangover cures, artificial marijuana and assorted uppers and downers!

Police say things got even more bizarre when Steele dropped his pants "exposing his buttocks" to the shocked store employees.

PG-13 nudity = shocking. Chain saw, I've been through worse on the late shift.

Instead of handing over cash, the two employees fled to a back room to escape the chaos.

"I don't get paid enough to look at man ass! The threat of physical violence is bad, too. I guess."

Steele allegedly then gave up and left with only a bottle of soda.

"Well, better pull up those pants and grab a Coke."

Steele is charged with multiple crimes, including one count of armed robbery, two counts of willful damage, one count of public nuisance and with damaging a parked vehicle while fleeing the crime scene.

Leave it to the criminal justice system to ruin this "wacky" incident by getting all legalistic.

Investigators say Steele was drunk during the late-night rampage.

I blame those giant beer cans. 

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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