News You Can't Use: Driver Strips Naked, Dances in Street After Causing 5-Vehicle Pileup

A wild crash involving at least five vehicles in Westland ended Tuesday with a man getting out of his car and taking off his clothes, officials said.

Massive automobile pile-up and the attendant loss of life? Boring. Someone is undressing? Better give this our full attention.

The five-car pileup happened at Wayne and Warren roads. One person was taken to the hospital for treatment, but officials said there were no serious injuries.

No one hurt in "wild" crash. Seems legitimate.

Police said a pickup truck came barreling down Wayne Road and plowed into vehicles. After the crash, the driver got out of the pickup truck and got naked, police said.

There just aren't enough synonyms to really do this justice without slipping into tired cliches. Maybe say the pickup was "ripping ass" down Wayne Road and then "completely merged with the existing wreckage." I don't know, this is harder than it looks.

Officials said the man stripped all his clothes off and started dancing in the street.

When I realized I had cheated death, the stripping and dancing felt so real, man.

"He stands up and starts getting naked," witness Derek Waldman said. "I said, 'Wow man.'"

I mean, whoa dude. What are you doing? That sure is something. Far out.

"He threw all his clothes off, saying, 'I'm fine, I'm fine,' to the police," witness Ghazi Khalaf said. "He tried eventually running away, but the cops eventually got him, kneeled and handcuffs, then he got taken away."

This entire interaction took about six hours.

The driver is still in custody as police try to determine why he was acting so erratically.

This might be the toughest case yet for The New Sherlock Holmes. 

 Why haven't you bought my book yet? Buy my book.

One of the drivers involved was an elderly woman whose car was completely smashed, but she managed to get out through the passenger's side, police said.

The car was completely smashed, you could have fit what remained in a manila folder. Grandma crawled out, totally unhurt.

Full Article.

Komment Korner   

I have been a paramedic for almost 2 decades. Hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) is known to cause such erratic behavior as well.

Hi! How are you?...Remember me from FYPC?

I remember someone else.

he must have Allstate
 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Humans to Blame for Accidents Involving Self-Driving Cars

There are two things almost everyone thinks they're good at and almost no one actually is: driving and making love. In the bedroom arena the process of replacing failed humanity with superior mechanized genitals is pretty much complete and we're much better off for it. Unfortunately, the progress of turning over the internal combustion transport to friend computer is proving much slower, but there's every reason for optimism. After all, Google is on the case and they've already brought us such innovations such as unskippable YouTube commercials and a camera you can attach to your face. Truly, this is the correct soulless mega-corporation for the job. Now if only you humans and your stupid minds would stop causing accidents with amazing robot cars. 

Testing of self-driving cars on California roads has resulted in about a dozen minor accidents during the past six years, but humans were to blame for the accidents, Delphi Automotive and Google said.

"It was the other person's fault," say highly biased business clones that are paid to tell these sort of lies. I'm convinced.

No one was hurt in the accidents, according to both companies.

"The circuit board was completely undamaged. Some glorified ape might have died or whatever, but who cares."

The accidents came to light after the Associated Press examined state public records covering the companies and the cars, which must be filed in order to test the vehicles on public roads. The filings became mandatory in September.

See, the media isn't entirely an apparatus that exists to sell products and promote tyranny. We also do some of that so-called "investigative" reporting.

“Not once was the self-driving car the cause of the accident,” he wrote.

Just like how everything that goes wrong with your computer is entirely your own fault, always.

Kristen Kinley, a spokeswoman for Delphi – a maker of automotive parts and components – said in an interview with Fortune that “these are engineering vehicles. You can’t get from A to B – to driverless cars – without a lot of testing. Driverless is still a long way off.”

"Omelet, broken eggs, you get the idea."

Cars already can be equipped with sensors that can keep a car in its lane, brake to prevent a rear-end collision and detect pedestrians and bicyclists.

These exciting "sensors" are sometimes also called "mirrors."

The Boston Consulting Group, in a study released in January, forecasted “partially autonomous vehicles are likely to hit the roads in large numbers by 2017.”

And we do mean "hit." Might want to stay off the freeway for a little while, just saying.

The new technology is bound to worry and bewilder more than a few drivers, which is why Google, Delphi and the automakers are undertaking prolonged, extensive testing under real-world conditions to explore possible pitfalls and demonstrate technological effectiveness – with the goal of overcoming consumer skepticism.

Having created the convincing illusion of that "legitimate journalism" we heard mentioned once in an undergraduate class it's back to selling you horrible dangerous garbage you don't need.

“The potential for safety is enormous,” said Kinley.

Honestly, just think of all the safety. That should be your first thought when we discuss the coming rise of the machines.

"I'll drive."

About 33,000 traffic fatalities were recorded in the U.S. in 2013.

Only about half were directly caused by misuse of existing technology.

BCG predicts that the technology will be “highly attractive to both carmakers and their customers.”

Finally that annoying chore of driving cool cars will be eliminated.

But first the public must be convinced that the computers, sensors and software that control these new machines will do a superior job of keeping it safe and sound.

The usual "we'll just tell you what to think" strategy will be used.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

If we could just eliminate Humans, the robots will have no problem on Earth.

I have a good driving record and enjoy pretty cheap insurance rates ($25/month from Insurance Panda).

Unfortunately, humans are to blame for Google.

Kill google before its too late.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Teen Drivers Distracted Big Time by Cellphones, Talking in Most Crashes

No matter what your personal scapegoat for society's ills is, today's subject should cater to it. We've got young people, technology, phones, distractions and the gun in the garage. If that odious menu doesn't do it, how about throwing in largely useless studies and a headline that contains intentionally misleading information as well as the words "Big Time" to describe how our highways are running bright red with the spilled blood of texting punk kids and their victims. Get ready to be entertained big time as we examine the causes of youth pathology and how it relates to the internal combustion killer.

Whether teen drivers are talking or texting on cellphones or simply chatting with passengers, distractions play a larger role than previously thought in automobile accidents and were responsible for about six of every 10 moderate to severe crashes, according to a study released on Wednesday.

We were planning on simply blaming the accidents on accepted conventional wisdom like "worst generation ever" and "bunch of softies who never fought the Space Invader Arcade War like me" but it turns out the most obvious answer is, incredibly, the correct one.

The study, by the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety, analyzed about 1,700 videos taken from inside crash vehicles. The videos are used as part of a private program designed to coach drivers to improve performance.

"See how Tommy texter crossed the center line and had a head-on collision? Don't do that." Thank you private program for coaching me into improved performance. Now excuse me while I drink a six pack of the cheap stuff and drive home.

“Access to crash videos has allowed us to better understand the moments leading up to a vehicle impact in a way that was previously impossible,” said Peter Kissinger, president and CEO of the AAA Foundation, a driving research and education group established in 1947 by AAA, the service organization for motorists.

I'm not really one to talk, but this is run-on sentence hell right here. Nested quotations within nested quotations, it's just too much. Also, watching these videos is totally entertaining once you learn to ignore the human cost, which for us is easy.

“The in-depth analysis provides indisputable evidence that teen drivers are distracted in a much greater percentage of crashes than we previously realized.” 

Finally scientific evidence that the delinquent kid next door is no good.

According to the group’s analysis, all forms of distraction were a factor in 58% of the studied crashes, including in 89% of the crashes where the vehicle left the road and in 76% of the accidents involving rear-end collisions.

Suffice it to say "distraction" is a pretty broad topic and not especially helpful for isolating specific interventions. Can we just start blaming the pocket phone demon like in the headline?

The top distraction, found in about 15% of the crashes, involved the driver interacting with at least one passenger in the vehicle.

Generally when I'm interacting with my passenger that vehicle is parked, if you know what I'm saying.

Also, for the common safety, please pull over before you savagely beat your loved ones.

Next, at 12%, was the driver using a cellphone to talk, text or review the screen for messages and such.

"Right, you know messages and such. That sort of thing. Birds that are angry, dodgy stuff like that."

Other forms of distraction included: the driver looking at something in the vehicle, 10%; looking at something outside the vehicle other than the road, 9%; singing or dancing to music, 8%.

Keep your eyes firmly on the blacktop, it will keep you safe. Also, people are dancing in cars? Man, I'm missing out on so much by showing nominal levels of responsibility.

All forms of grooming such as checking hair accounted for 6% of the crashes, according to the report. That was the same percentage as a driver reaching for an object in the vehicle.

Yup, hair is still there. On the top of my head, right where I left it. Well, mostly.

“It is troubling that passengers and cellphones were the most common forms of distraction given that these factors can increase crash risks for teen drivers,” AAA CEO Bob Darbelnet said in a prepared statement.

"We'd like to see that number go down and the 'reaching for objects' one go up to compensate."

On the bright side I found what I was reaching for.

“The situation is made worse by the fact that young drivers have spent less time behind the wheel and cannot draw upon their previous experience to manage unsafe conditions.”

And no, years of playing Ridge Racer is not a suitable substitute. 

"Making the road a safer place for everyone is our core mission, and Lytx is honored to have played such a key role in research of this magnitude and importance," said Brandon Nixon, chief executive officer of Lytx, a privately-held San Diego-based company.

I wanted to call this project "RoadGate" but was shouted down.

In the videos released by the AAA foundation, one teen is shown trying to negotiate a wet road with one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding a cellphone to his ear. Another video shows the driver looking at an electronic device, seemingly texting. The driver’s eyes leave the road and the car veers off and appears to be heading toward a mailbox.

Please, stop doing intentionally stupid things.

“AAA recommends that state laws prohibit cell phone use by teen drivers and restrict passengers to one non-family member for the first six months of driving,” the group urged.

We understand that this recommendation is basically worthless and apologize for wasting your time.

Full Article. 

Komment Korner  

They play video games and think that's what driving is...

Another problem is that distracted driving is encouraged by cellphone companies and gizmo manufacturers.

What I see almost daily here in Irvine are mostly middle aged women in SUVs holding cell phones in front of them or against their ears.

If they aren't being stimulated every minute of every day by a hand held computer, they think something is wrong.

idiots!!!!!!!!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Driver Who Asked Jesus To Take The Wheel Hit Motorcyclist

Holding on to the wheel of a car is extremely difficult and painful, the sort of long dark night that often forces one to offer sincere prayers to the Creator of the Universe. That or just tell the Unmoved Mover to take the wheel because you think you saw a mostly undamaged Frito in the cracks of the passenger side seat and diving after that is more important than, say, not turning your car into a deadly weapon. Into this equation add a motorsickle riding organ donor with their patented "Eh, looks like I'm gonna die" attitude and you have the sort of story guaranteed to offend everyone except nihilist mass transit riders and who really cares about them.

Usually when someone says “Jesus take the wheel” it’s meant to help them through a rough patch in life.

That or when the Mexican racing team needs to switch drivers at the halfway point.

But police say an Indiana woman took the phrase literally on July 11th, when she took her hands off the steering wheel as she was driving.

If there's one disclaimer that belongs on almost every spiritual issue, it's "don't take this literally."

The Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette reports 25-year-old Prionda Hill told authorities she let go of the wheel because “God told her he would take it from here.”

"Okay Prionda, I'm done creating that nebula from nothing and populating a planet a few million light years from Earth with a complete ecosystem, I guess my "CEO of the Universe" duties can wait while I help you out with various banal tasks."

Unfortunately for Anthony Olivery, her car veered off the road and slammed into his motorcycle, throwing him to the ground. Then the car ran over him.

Clearly "bad luck" is the culprit and not almost unbelievable stupidity.

“When I looked at that bumper and looked at that tire, I told myself, today is the day you die,” he told the paper.

Ordinarily I'd be skeptical of this stoic calm in the face of death, but again, motorsickle rider. Every time you get on that "hog" you must be thinking "Yeah, this will probably kill me. I'm fine with that" while making sure to evade those tyrannical helmet laws.

The accident broke all of Olivery’s ribs on his left side, cut his spleen, bruised his kidney and caused severe injuries to his left arm and leg.

It was the least serious motorcycle accident that we have a record of.

Hill kept on going, according to court records, hitting a pickup truck twice and only stopping when her car crashed into an island between two fast food restaurants several blocks away from where she struck Olivery. Officials say she told officers she had a prescription for Vicodin.

So she's basically a dopehead and this cover story about "Take the wheel, Jehovah!" was the best excuse her addled mind could create on short notice.

This is some solid irony.

Hill was arrested and charged with failure to stop after an accident and criminal recklessness with a deadly weapon.

Sorry we added a bunch of irrelevant shaggy dog nonsense to a very straightforward "scumbag does drugs, injures man on sui-cycle" story.

Full Story.

Komment Korner   

I blame Hollywood for giving weak minds the idea that "magic" actually happens.

Probably a senior Obama adviser

What's up with the title of this article referencing Jesus. Obama clearly stated that "we are no longer a Christian nation". The article itself only references God. The separation between Church and Everything Else has been violated here.

The problem here is bad theology.

Piglosi is a hypocrite, and so are her defenders... IE YOU

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.