There are two things almost everyone thinks they're good at and almost no one actually is: driving and making love. In the bedroom arena the process of replacing failed humanity with superior mechanized genitals is pretty much complete and we're much better off for it. Unfortunately, the progress of turning over the internal combustion transport to friend computer is proving much slower, but there's every reason for optimism. After all, Google is on the case and they've already brought us such innovations such as unskippable YouTube commercials and a camera you can attach to your face. Truly, this is the correct soulless mega-corporation for the job. Now if only you humans and your stupid minds would stop causing accidents with amazing robot cars.
Testing of self-driving cars on California roads has resulted in about a dozen minor accidents during the past six years, but humans were to blame for the accidents, Delphi Automotive and Google said.
"It was the other person's fault," say highly biased business clones that are paid to tell these sort of lies. I'm convinced.
No one was hurt in the accidents, according to both companies.
"The circuit board was completely undamaged. Some glorified ape might have died or whatever, but who cares." The accidents came to light after the Associated Press examined state public records covering the companies and the cars, which must be filed in order to test the vehicles on public roads. The filings became mandatory in September.
See, the media isn't entirely an apparatus that exists to sell products and promote tyranny. We also do some of that so-called "investigative" reporting.
“Not once was the self-driving car the cause of the accident,” he wrote.
Just like how everything that goes wrong with your computer is entirely your own fault, always.
Kristen Kinley, a spokeswoman for Delphi – a maker of automotive parts and components – said in an interview with Fortune that “these are engineering vehicles. You can’t get from A to B – to driverless cars – without a lot of testing. Driverless is still a long way off.”
"Omelet, broken eggs, you get the idea."
Cars already can be equipped with sensors that can keep a car in its lane, brake to prevent a rear-end collision and detect pedestrians and bicyclists.
These exciting "sensors" are sometimes also called "mirrors."
The Boston Consulting Group, in a study released in January, forecasted “partially autonomous vehicles are likely to hit the roads in large numbers by 2017.”
And we do mean "hit." Might want to stay off the freeway for a little while, just saying. The new technology is bound to worry and bewilder more than a few drivers, which is why Google, Delphi and the automakers are undertaking prolonged, extensive testing under real-world conditions to explore possible pitfalls and demonstrate technological effectiveness – with the goal of overcoming consumer skepticism.
Having created the convincing illusion of that "legitimate journalism" we heard mentioned once in an undergraduate class it's back to selling you horrible dangerous garbage you don't need.
“The potential for safety is enormous,” said Kinley.
Honestly, just think of all the safety. That should be your first thought when we discuss the coming rise of the machines.
"I'll drive."
About 33,000 traffic fatalities were recorded in the U.S. in 2013.
Only about half were directly caused by misuse of existing technology.
BCG predicts that the technology will be “highly attractive to both carmakers and their customers.”
Finally that annoying chore of driving cool cars will be eliminated.
But first the public must be convinced that the computers, sensors and software that control these new machines will do a superior job of keeping it safe and sound.
The usual "we'll just tell you what to think" strategy will be used.
I can't get enough of impractical and invasive technology, which is why I've been down with the Google Glass sickness from day one. Yes, back before it was cool. Assuming, at some date far after writing this it actually becomes popular in the mainstream, otherwise my with-it-ness will not be vindicated. Either way, at least some people (broken pathetic people) are trying it out and the result is incredible encounters with bar patrons that for some reason aren't thrilled with being the subject of amateur hour surveillance and/or Baby's First Police State Kit.
We hit the ground running with a promise that this story will be featured "Only on KRON 4." Well, at least now I have a name for this bizarre alternate Earth that I'm forced to live on. Actually that's a "station" on something called "television," a pill that's arguably harder to swallow than my exile on a similar but fundamentally broken planet theory. I guess this thing is sort of like the internet except it's an almost entirely passive experience and you're totally defenseless against the advertisements. Yeah, this "television" fad ain't going anywhere, man.
Welcome to KRON-4, earthling. Your bitcoins are safe here.
Our cheery anchorwoman, who is sadly caught in that awkward life stage when you're no longer a "cougar" but not yet a "granny" informs us that we better start getting used to seeing people with electronics strapped to their faces. Stop resisting, it's the irresistible arc of the universe toward horrible new alienating inventions. You're on the wrong side of history, sorry.
Oddly enough, not everyone is comfortable with this fundamental shift in the paradigm. The reasons for this are so inscrutable that we're forced to leave ex-cougar town and confer with a specialist in technology named "Gabe." Not surprisingly, he's awkward as all hell. Huh, it's almost like being hunched over a computer or staring at a fist-sized screen you carry everywhere might have behavioral consequences.
I don't know what to do with my arms. Let 'em hang, I guess.
In all honesty, I like Gabe. His first words are "Let me tell you" and anyone who uses that as an opener is going to be a solid human unit. Please Gabe. Tell us. He quickly introduces us to a "Social Media Consultant" who wears her Google Glass almost everywhere. He then explains that this garnered her "A lot of attention at a bar in San Francisco" and I know it sounds like the build up to the sort of joke that will hopefully be illegal very soon, but that's not where this is going.
While this exposition dump is happening we also get Gabe's Twitter name, which I guess could be used to "Live Tweet" this story if it hadn't happened back in February. Please use hash tag #AwkwardArmPositions.
#SemiFingerTent is trending right now!
Anyway, let me tell you. We are promised "captured" footage of a rare time when resembling a Dinner Theater version of the Borg didn't go well and even resulted in "Unwelcome Attention." Yes, there is apparently such a thing, although you'd never know it if you even have a passing familiarity with "face-booking" and allied narcissist time sinks.
First impressions mean a lot. Just like Gabe won me over with his wussy version of Pro Wrestler talk, our Social Media Wizard immediately earns my disapproval, something not at all given lightly, by using the word "literally" incorrectly, as is the way with this courageous new world. She "literally" kept saying "I don't believe this" and goes on to further explain it was "the only thing that could come out of my mouth" and just how "weird" this entire situation was.
Clearly it's the rest of the world that needs to change, she's literally the minority of one, the last sane human being. Wearing a camera on her face. To a bar.
It's literal, while not being literally true.
After this "You need to come down from the space station and land, young lady!" drivel it's back to Gabe's tight narration. She was out at the bar with "friends," which I'm assuming is code word for various electronic devices when things went south. Patrons hold up open hands and beer bottles, but the "ass kicking for violators" once promised by a dive bar is not in evidence.
Back to our bubble-headed glass user, who claims there was a lot of "animosity." Please, stop killing words that used to be good and full of legitimate meaning. What to do in the face of this Technophobia? Well, you turn on the video and start recording them, of course! I'll show you who can display the worst possible public behavior! I haven't even begun to fight!
There were also "negative comments" and our tech-head looks like she's on the verge of breaking into tears. "They said bad things about my camera-face!" Children starving, war atrocities, massive government corruption and this is what I get emotional about. Sometimes I think there might actually be some negative aspects of our current societal direction.
"Everyone's racist against FaceCam Americans!"
She then mentions how the evil normals were trying to shield themselves from being recorded and insists "It wasn't on!" even as we see the footage that was collected when she, you know, had it turned on. It doesn't take Encyclopedia Brown to see the problem with this.
I recorded this while it was turned off.
We get an appeal to "They didn't understand it!"which I guess would carry more weight if she actually knew the difference between "off" and "on." Then, the Luddites turn hostile. Well, sort of. One obscurantist tells our technology booster that she's "killing the scene." Hey, I didn't put in all this "make the scene" work just so my moment of triumph could be snatched away by a Google victim.
Then we get the big payoff, as a "towel was thrown" and Gabe offers Zapruder film-style analysis of this critical moment, complete with a giant orange immobile arrow that is actually correctly lined up with the offending cloth for about a tenth of a second.
Clearly the towel came from the grassy knoll.
Some other barfly also makes a halfhearted attempt to grab at the glasses, complete with slo-mo Sports Center replay, but it's so lame there really isn't much to say about it. How about more rambling? We're told that this technology could prevent these kinds of incidents.
It will prevent the incidents we just saw it cause. There might be a small logical problem here.
Most people love the Google Glass, in spite of the massive visual evidence to the contrary we just witnessed. What happened in that bar was a actually horrific anomaly, one last pathetic gasp from a past that needs to die. She keeps ranting about the benefits of this product with all the numb sincerity of a victim of cultic brainwashing. We're told we'll be won over if we "actually try them on." Yes, let's. Come down to the center. Take a personality test and learn about The Savior. Join us, it's blisssss...
Gabe, clearly as fed up with this b.s. as I am gives a quick "peace out."
Check Out My Books!
Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.
His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
We're on the cusp of another major victory in the long war against stupid old bring-down reality. No, I'm not talking about some exciting new CIA funded hallucinogen, I'm talking about electronics in your eyes! It's still in the experimental use rabbits because they can't cry or make effective fists stage, but there's every reason to believe a Huxley-style nightmare world might still beat out the Orwellian one, although it's a tight race.
Contact lenses that allow the wearer to see high-definition virtual screens are to be unveiled in Las Vegas next week.
In this case I hope what happens in Vegas does, in fact, stay there. Dubbed iOptik, the system allows the users to see projected digital information, such as driving directions and video calls.
No sitcoms, no care.
Also, how come we have "video calls" as predicted in 1950s futurist movies but the flying car technology continues to stagnate? Who even wants video calls? Here's my weary face to go with my weary voice. Yay. The tiny 'screens', which are the invention of Washington-based group Innovega, sit directly on a users' eyeballs and work with a pair of lightweight glasses.
You mean you aren't stuffing your eyes with all kinds of crazy nonsense? I feel bad for you, son. Me, I've got glasses, tiny screens, eye buds, assorted wires, you name it. Together, they provide an experience equivalent to watching a 240-inch television at a distance of 10 feet, according to Innovega's chief executive Steve Willey.
Or to put it into simpler terms: "Whoa, the colors. I'm freaking out!" They can be worn on their own and only function with the iOptik software when a user looks through the company's paired glasses.
Whether they can help you keep track of the visions in your eyes or even see the light that's right before those same eyes is not specified. These are the features I'd actually want.
The system can work with smartphones and portable game devices to deliver video - or switch to a translucent 'augmented reality' view, where computer information is layered over the world we know it.
Don't worry, you can hook up all your other marginally useful Chinese gimmicks to it!
Is this some kind of allegory?
Crucially, the device can be worn while moving around in a similar way to Google Glass.
Because you're going to want to do lots "moving around" while in a electronics induced coma.
The contacts are due to be previewed at the Consumer Electronics Show and promise to provide a much more immersive experience than other head-work wearable devices.
The days of writing driving directions on the inside of a sack and then pulling it over your head and trying to drive may be over.
Microsoft and the University of Washington have also been working on similar projects that seem more like a prop in movies such as Mission Impossible 4.
Yeah, that and eight inch elevator shoes.
In 2012, they created a prototype of a hard augmented reality contact lens capable of receiving radio signals and transmitting them to the brain through optical nerves.
Sadly, the appeal of watching the radio proved limited.
Technology! It pretty much solved all our problems, which is why we have a national budget surplus, young people are reserved and well-behaved and you can't leave the house without being offered jobs. Despite this conquest of the mundane, the future looks even brighter, complete with special "augmented reality" glasses that create an electronic wonder world that a decade ago could only be approximated by putting a sack over your head and then smashing a hammer into your forehead repeatedly. This exciting new alienation advance is worth pretty much all the money I have. Seriously, just take it all.
Not everyone's happy about this, if you can believe that. There is one natural enemy of hands-free internet and the high-tech lotus-eating it implies and that enemy is, of course, the "dive bar." The lines are being drawn for the coming battle between what is actually hip and who was doing what prior to it gaining mass acceptance.
He had won the battle against himself. He loved Big Google.
The 5 Point, a self-described dive bar in Seattle's Belltown neighborhood, posted a notice to its Facebook page this week telling Glass Explorers looking to grab a pint that they will need to remove their $1,500 spectacles. The story was noted today on GeekWire.
"We are aware of the irony of using the internet to denounce the internet, so don't bother pointing it out." I was also very disappointed to learn that "GeekWire" wasn't about carnival freaks. The $1,500 price tag for these wonderful glasses insures that the initial audience will be an even mix of the idle rich, CEO-types that see the benefit in early adaptation and total and complete suckers.
And not a single stereotype was defied on that day.
"For the record, The 5 Point is the first Seattle business to ban in advance Google Glasses," the post reads. "And ass kickings will be encouraged for violators."
Aw, yeah it's clobbering time! Prepare to be physically censored you Google-loving bastard! Eat this fist!
Bombastic language aside you could almost argue that is some lame publicity stunt. No, can't be. "The 5 Point" loves you and would never sink to such a level for evil "profits." This is nothing but purity and sincerity, a line drawn in the sand against the evil-doers looking to steal our privacy and God-given right to go creepin' in some dank hole.
Meinert admitted he was having a bit of fun: "Part of this is a joke, to be funny on Facebook, and get reaction."
You can read the original story here, but I don't really recommend it because your computer will be assaulted with a million ads and other assorted b.s. Following the sad defeat of the "dive bar," the last bastion holding out against the dominance of internet commercialization, we can only expect more of this is in the bleak future that awaits.
Also, I hope none of these "Google Glass" users drive cars. Just sayin'.
Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.comand Barnes & Noble.
