News You Can Use: Now HALF of Families Text Each Other in the Same House

We live in an age of miracles. Everything is bigger, and yet, smaller. Computers, man. High school football is great. Then there's the phones, which are successfully eliminating the misery of brief interpersonal communications with human units that share a lot of your genetic material and inhabit the same residential unit. Yes, a simple text message can prevent the need for yelling "Chow's ready!" up stairs or showing any sort of ordinary human warmth toward the offspring you deeply resent. Cat's in the cradle? Naw, sucker. It's in a little glowing screen.

Some will find it depressing. Others will recognise an all-too familiar snapshot of tech-obsessed modern life.

Some will experience an emotional reaction, others are so dead inside that the best we can expect is some grim nodding.

But nearly half of families with children now text each other when they are in the same house.

At first I thought it was because of massive prosperity and everyone living in palatial estates. Then I glanced at so-called "financial news" and that illusion went into a cocked hat.

Just under a third of us (32 per cent) are guilty of tapping out messages on mobiles when we want to talk to someone under the same roof, according to research.

First it was almost half, now almost point three repeating, the outrage is shrinking rapidly, our big reward for actually reading the body of the article.

In a third of households, people use their mobiles during their mealtimes.

Let me get a picture of this noodle caboodle so all those information gathering site "friends" can enjoy it with me!

In fact, tablets and mobiles are so prevalent at home, they are also depriving us of rest.

There is no rest for Angry Birds, until they finally sleep in hell.

Last night campaigners warned the surge in mobile phone usage could be ‘catastrophic’ for family life. Dr Richard House, a psychologist, said: ‘These communication technologies are almost certainly having long-term and possibly dramatic impacts on family life.
 
That's tragic and all. In other news, I'd bet you a can of Coke that "Dick House, psychologist" is a made-up person.

‘It is potentially catastrophic for the human relational values that underpin family life at its best, with real, face-to-face communication being increasingly displaced and sidelined by the machine.’
 
I bust out highly jargony and complex answers to questions I'm asked and I'm certainly real so stop wagering sugar water.

The study found that a third of us worry that family members have become ‘lazy’ because they spend too much time playing video games. But whilst these findings would fill many of us with horror, eight out of ten still say that technology has had a positive impact on their lives.
 
Yeah, so-called "lazy." Tell that to all the citizens of Cyrodill I saved from marauding hell-spawn. My Witch Hunter gained three levels today, I'm certainly accomplishing a lot.

Those who think technology has improved their lives value activities such as online shopping and the ability to stream TV shows on Netflix and the BBC iPlayer. 

My passive teevee viewership now has a more technical veneer. My life is better.

Lindsey Rix, of Aviva, said there was evidence that ‘the “always on” culture is making it difficult for people to switch off, and in some cases is causing people to become stressed’.

It's worth it for the current cultural golden age.

She added: ‘Households with children in particular suggest that technology can at times be intrusive, with people communicating via their phones rather than in person, and at inappropriate times such as during family meals.’

It seems pretty crazy, but there's unidentified folks out there who think this.

Full Story.

Komment Korner

Not interested in yelling at my kids to come down for dinner.

Now this is complete bull!... What smack!

Why is everyone laying into Lemon Tree

i use it simply to listen to music... nothing sinster

You are living the high life, two malted milk biscuits, luxury


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Boundaries Shift in the U.S. on What Cellphone Use is Rude

If you're anything like me you have fond memories of the first time you were in some public setting and another unique individual crafted in God's image whipped out the old pocket phone and began speaking as if invisible soundproof walls immediately sprang up when they pushed the "on" button. It was a magical new frontier in personal atomization, to be sure, but we've come along way since then when it comes to electronic-assisted social retardation. You'll be excited to know that we've never been more open to someone loudly declaring "I'm at the store right now!" into the palm of their hand while you're forced to passively endure it.

Do you text or otherwise engage with a small screen during a social gathering?

A U.S. survey suggests you are not alone, even if you are annoyed when other people do exactly the same thing.

I guess the written text on a screen somehow didn't hear me answer in the negative, shattering the illusion that a story written several days ago is somehow interactive. On the other hand, pecking at tiny screens is now so pervasive we can safely assume everyone is carrying around a hand-sized Skinner Box, so we can at least celebrate that.

The Pew Research Center survey on shifts in what is acceptable in an always-wired world found 82 percent of American adults say that using cellphones hurt conversation in social gatherings.

"Man, I'm always wired! The future!" *spends next eight hours huddled in a cubicle listlessly interacting with grinding and groaning foreign-made technology*

Also this contradicts the premise of the article, but in all honesty I stopped carrying when the writer failed to somehow anticipate my own highly specific and eccentric life experiences.

But even more people - 89 percent - say they used their phones during their most recent get-together, including for texting, talking and for a photo.

Massive cognitive dissonance, the sure sign of a healthy mind.

"We're in the middle of this enormous social transformation where the rules of the road aren't clear and so they're constantly being negotiated," he said.

Let's pretend this banal selfishness somehow represents a fundamental shift in the human experience and not the same pathologies we've already had amplified via inner tubes and talk boxes. 

Cellphone use in social settings tends to be tied to the event itself, with 45 percent of people posting a photo or video of their most recent gathering, the survey showed.

Man, this party is great! Let me ruin it by going all Blair Witch Project. Hey dude, I kicked the map in the river!

A smaller number - 16 percent - said they turned to their small screen because they had lost interest in the group.

Crushing candy is more important than hearing your latest chemotherapy updates, sorry.

Some cellphone use is practical: while in public spaces, almost two-thirds of cellphone users look up information about where they are going or how to get there.

U.S. Americans, some don't have maps, etc.

Asked when cellphone use was "generally OK," 77 percent said while walking down a street and three-quarters said on public transportation. Five percent said it was usually OK at a movie theater.

But Spiderman just told you to turn that thing off. Great power, responsibility, am I right?

Cellphone etiquette became a policy issue in the United States in 2013 when Federal Communications Commission Chairman Tom Wheeler said the agency was considering allowing in-flight calls on planes.

Your "Royal Crown Cola" might be an explosive device, but feel free to bring on that bundle of red wires and speakers.

After criticism about passengers having to listen to neighbors during flights, Wheeler said he personally opposed in-flight cellphones and the decision would be up to airlines. 

Terrible ideas can still be shouted down, even in today's world.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

Nothing new here. Jerks are jerks.

great

I thoroughly support restaurants

I refused to set up voicemail so no one can leave one.

People are just so selfish and rude they use the phone even when it's blatantly rude and disrespectful.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Teen Drivers Distracted Big Time by Cellphones, Talking in Most Crashes

No matter what your personal scapegoat for society's ills is, today's subject should cater to it. We've got young people, technology, phones, distractions and the gun in the garage. If that odious menu doesn't do it, how about throwing in largely useless studies and a headline that contains intentionally misleading information as well as the words "Big Time" to describe how our highways are running bright red with the spilled blood of texting punk kids and their victims. Get ready to be entertained big time as we examine the causes of youth pathology and how it relates to the internal combustion killer.

Whether teen drivers are talking or texting on cellphones or simply chatting with passengers, distractions play a larger role than previously thought in automobile accidents and were responsible for about six of every 10 moderate to severe crashes, according to a study released on Wednesday.

We were planning on simply blaming the accidents on accepted conventional wisdom like "worst generation ever" and "bunch of softies who never fought the Space Invader Arcade War like me" but it turns out the most obvious answer is, incredibly, the correct one.

The study, by the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety, analyzed about 1,700 videos taken from inside crash vehicles. The videos are used as part of a private program designed to coach drivers to improve performance.

"See how Tommy texter crossed the center line and had a head-on collision? Don't do that." Thank you private program for coaching me into improved performance. Now excuse me while I drink a six pack of the cheap stuff and drive home.

“Access to crash videos has allowed us to better understand the moments leading up to a vehicle impact in a way that was previously impossible,” said Peter Kissinger, president and CEO of the AAA Foundation, a driving research and education group established in 1947 by AAA, the service organization for motorists.

I'm not really one to talk, but this is run-on sentence hell right here. Nested quotations within nested quotations, it's just too much. Also, watching these videos is totally entertaining once you learn to ignore the human cost, which for us is easy.

“The in-depth analysis provides indisputable evidence that teen drivers are distracted in a much greater percentage of crashes than we previously realized.” 

Finally scientific evidence that the delinquent kid next door is no good.

According to the group’s analysis, all forms of distraction were a factor in 58% of the studied crashes, including in 89% of the crashes where the vehicle left the road and in 76% of the accidents involving rear-end collisions.

Suffice it to say "distraction" is a pretty broad topic and not especially helpful for isolating specific interventions. Can we just start blaming the pocket phone demon like in the headline?

The top distraction, found in about 15% of the crashes, involved the driver interacting with at least one passenger in the vehicle.

Generally when I'm interacting with my passenger that vehicle is parked, if you know what I'm saying.

Also, for the common safety, please pull over before you savagely beat your loved ones.

Next, at 12%, was the driver using a cellphone to talk, text or review the screen for messages and such.

"Right, you know messages and such. That sort of thing. Birds that are angry, dodgy stuff like that."

Other forms of distraction included: the driver looking at something in the vehicle, 10%; looking at something outside the vehicle other than the road, 9%; singing or dancing to music, 8%.

Keep your eyes firmly on the blacktop, it will keep you safe. Also, people are dancing in cars? Man, I'm missing out on so much by showing nominal levels of responsibility.

All forms of grooming such as checking hair accounted for 6% of the crashes, according to the report. That was the same percentage as a driver reaching for an object in the vehicle.

Yup, hair is still there. On the top of my head, right where I left it. Well, mostly.

“It is troubling that passengers and cellphones were the most common forms of distraction given that these factors can increase crash risks for teen drivers,” AAA CEO Bob Darbelnet said in a prepared statement.

"We'd like to see that number go down and the 'reaching for objects' one go up to compensate."

On the bright side I found what I was reaching for.

“The situation is made worse by the fact that young drivers have spent less time behind the wheel and cannot draw upon their previous experience to manage unsafe conditions.”

And no, years of playing Ridge Racer is not a suitable substitute. 

"Making the road a safer place for everyone is our core mission, and Lytx is honored to have played such a key role in research of this magnitude and importance," said Brandon Nixon, chief executive officer of Lytx, a privately-held San Diego-based company.

I wanted to call this project "RoadGate" but was shouted down.

In the videos released by the AAA foundation, one teen is shown trying to negotiate a wet road with one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding a cellphone to his ear. Another video shows the driver looking at an electronic device, seemingly texting. The driver’s eyes leave the road and the car veers off and appears to be heading toward a mailbox.

Please, stop doing intentionally stupid things.

“AAA recommends that state laws prohibit cell phone use by teen drivers and restrict passengers to one non-family member for the first six months of driving,” the group urged.

We understand that this recommendation is basically worthless and apologize for wasting your time.

Full Article. 

Komment Korner  

They play video games and think that's what driving is...

Another problem is that distracted driving is encouraged by cellphone companies and gizmo manufacturers.

What I see almost daily here in Irvine are mostly middle aged women in SUVs holding cell phones in front of them or against their ears.

If they aren't being stimulated every minute of every day by a hand held computer, they think something is wrong.

idiots!!!!!!!!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: You Can't Walk Straight While Texting, Study Confirms

I'm a walking dude. As such I'm pretty interested in exciting new developments in the field of upright mobility. Sadly, the best we're going to get is another "Texting is bad, stop it!" article to throw on the pile. Sorry guys, it's of vital importance that someone I barely even like gets that important "lol, wut a werld" update.

Texting can make you drive like a drunk. Now a new study shows that texting can also make you walk like a robot.

Robots, of course, are industrial devices used for dangerous and/or repetitive jobs that really don't "walk" at all. I applaud the author for trying to avoid another "zombie" reference, but that simile's utility is like a clock radio from 1973.

Researchers found that healthy people who read or send texts while hoofing it show subtle but potentially hazardous changes to their gait.

My healthy trot, ruined!

As pedestrians busily tap and flick, they swerve more, walk more slowly and move their heads, arms and torsos in a stiff, graceless fashion that makes them more prone to falling when confronted with an obstacle.

If we don't start closing the smooth moves gap this is creating we'll all lose out. We must restore the soulful strut.

Also, crashing into things is bad, I guess.

"Reading and texting on a phone influence your ability to walk, but the problems we see are much greater when you text than when you read,"

They're even greater when you drink, like, eight beers and put a sack over your head. Because we need to put everything on some type of continuum or it won't make sense.

Smartphone-wielding pedestrians have made the news and the upper ranks of YouTube by walking off piers, falling onto train tracks and blundering into fountains, but the accidents aren't always comic.

There's a difference between "comical misery" and "tragic misery." Off a pier or into tracks is funny, we are told.

In one high-profile incident, a 15-year-old girl in Maryland was hit by a car and killed in 2012 while looking at her phone, and a recent rise in U.S. pedestrian deaths in traffic accidents has been attributed partly to cellphone use.

We were all having a good healthy laugh at people falling into unforgiving steel rails and then some kill-joy is all "That ain't funny, man. Some jail bait on the east coast died like that."

Even though all 26 subjects were seasoned texters, spending an average of 30 minutes a day texting, they still couldn't walk normally as they texted.

They still couldn't spell words normally or preserve any dignity, either.

It's not entirely clear why the walk of a texting pedestrian is distorted.

Yeah, it's such an impenetrable mystery. Clearly a lot more tax-dollar funded research is needed.

Or perhaps the multitasking of walking while attending to a text overwhelms the brain, which then prioritizes that cool app over keeping to the straight and narrow.

Brain...overwhelmed...massive system failure...walking like robot...smooth moves lost...not a kool kat, not anymore...

Don't you mean "robots."

The study is "excellent," says Stony Brook University's Lisa Muratori, a behavioral neuroscientist who was not involved in the new research and who has also studied walking during cellphone use.

This study is just totally righteous, declared some unrelated individual with an impressive-sounding title with little, if any, practicality.

"In a healthy person it shouldn't cause a fall, necessarily, but a trip over a curb into a street is a big problem."

Do it in an empty pasture and you should be fine.

The increased head movement reported in the study "is a really bad thing for gait," says University of Pittsburgh bioengineer April Chambers, who was not involved in the research.

Thank you for adding no new information and having a name better suited to "adult" entertainment.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

I've been bashed into head on by people walking and texting in the mall. You try to swerve out of their way but it's not always successful.

I was amazed to see that this was a serious article/study. I expected this to be an Onion story.

After the implant you will be able to drive, walk, run, take a bath, engage in sexual encounters and at the same time send and receive insulting comments from USA Today readers.

For years, I have been trying to make people aware of this hazard.

Turn your units off


Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Sutter County DA Investigated For Arson After Mistress’ Home Burns

This story has it all. It centers around a venal public servant who looks like he should be telling you about diabetes testing supplies but apparently has a secret life worthy of a lower-tier version of Caligula. It's got sex. It's got arson. It's got some pretty solid irony. There might even be some cringe-inducing references to the amazing world of technology. Let's do this thang.

Sutter County’s district attorney is being investigated for arson after the home of his alleged mistress burned down.

Hold some sort of respected position in society? Like to get that dip on the side but aren't very discrete about it? Don't worry, I've got the solution.

Fire.

Investigators say racy text messages he sent could point to a possible motive.

Never has "you're getting me hot" and "you're lighting my fire" and "let's burn down the bedroom" been more literal.

Ladies, meet Wilford Danger.

Now, in a strange twist of events, the Yuba City Police Department confirms Sutter County District Attorney Carl Adams has been questioned about the crime.

The truth truly is stranger than fiction. Someone from the legal profession with questionable morals? Hard to believe. 

“If he tampers with the investigation, that’s a different issue itself,” said one neighbor.

"College Football doesn't start until tomorrow, so for now I'll pretend I care about this."

The detective said in his report, “Garibay said she has been having an affair with Adams… Adams has told her how he is jealous. She showed us text messages where he stated he was jealous.”

This will be very useful in establishing the so-called "mo-teev." 

New motto: Adultery, Arson, Abasement.

The report also states Adams showed up at the crime scene just hours after the fire.

And as we all know the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime. This whole case reads like "Baby's First Crime of Passion Investigation." 

“When confronted with Garibay’s statement and phone records, Adams admitted he was having an affair with Garibay,” the report also read.

Great. Now I'm stuck with the mental image of this walrus-looking old bastard doing the Wild Thing.

“I had nothing to do with the arson. I am now allowing the Yuba City Police Department’s investigation to run its course.”

Thank you for "allowing" law enforcement to investigate your crapulence. That's very magnanimous.

Adams and the other two men have not been charged with any crime.

Can you at least pretend you find my crimes interesting?

Komment Korner   

It's just sex. Let's "move on". Character doesn't matter. Yeah, right. --Now help me build this guillotine.

I wonder if I could get him to burn down my rental home.

There is a reason why our Creator set parameters for our behavior.

Ronald Reagan would not have peed on EXPAT if he was on fire.

Doesn't surprise me man. I've known forever that the persecutors in America were one immense pool of evil.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.