News You Can't Use: Sutter County DA Investigated For Arson After Mistress’ Home Burns

This story has it all. It centers around a venal public servant who looks like he should be telling you about diabetes testing supplies but apparently has a secret life worthy of a lower-tier version of Caligula. It's got sex. It's got arson. It's got some pretty solid irony. There might even be some cringe-inducing references to the amazing world of technology. Let's do this thang.

Sutter County’s district attorney is being investigated for arson after the home of his alleged mistress burned down.

Hold some sort of respected position in society? Like to get that dip on the side but aren't very discrete about it? Don't worry, I've got the solution.

Fire.

Investigators say racy text messages he sent could point to a possible motive.

Never has "you're getting me hot" and "you're lighting my fire" and "let's burn down the bedroom" been more literal.

Ladies, meet Wilford Danger.

Now, in a strange twist of events, the Yuba City Police Department confirms Sutter County District Attorney Carl Adams has been questioned about the crime.

The truth truly is stranger than fiction. Someone from the legal profession with questionable morals? Hard to believe. 

“If he tampers with the investigation, that’s a different issue itself,” said one neighbor.

"College Football doesn't start until tomorrow, so for now I'll pretend I care about this."

The detective said in his report, “Garibay said she has been having an affair with Adams… Adams has told her how he is jealous. She showed us text messages where he stated he was jealous.”

This will be very useful in establishing the so-called "mo-teev." 

New motto: Adultery, Arson, Abasement.

The report also states Adams showed up at the crime scene just hours after the fire.

And as we all know the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime. This whole case reads like "Baby's First Crime of Passion Investigation." 

“When confronted with Garibay’s statement and phone records, Adams admitted he was having an affair with Garibay,” the report also read.

Great. Now I'm stuck with the mental image of this walrus-looking old bastard doing the Wild Thing.

“I had nothing to do with the arson. I am now allowing the Yuba City Police Department’s investigation to run its course.”

Thank you for "allowing" law enforcement to investigate your crapulence. That's very magnanimous.

Adams and the other two men have not been charged with any crime.

Can you at least pretend you find my crimes interesting?

Komment Korner   

It's just sex. Let's "move on". Character doesn't matter. Yeah, right. --Now help me build this guillotine.

I wonder if I could get him to burn down my rental home.

There is a reason why our Creator set parameters for our behavior.

Ronald Reagan would not have peed on EXPAT if he was on fire.

Doesn't surprise me man. I've known forever that the persecutors in America were one immense pool of evil.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Man Sets Home on Fire While Trying to Kill Bed Bugs

When man battles insects the smart money is on the insects. Well, at least it is if the man in question lives in 2013 New Jersey and is using a space heater and a heat gun as weapons of choice. It might sound like some Buck Rogers shiz-it, but the reality is a little less fantastic, while at the same time being more fantastic in some sort of bizarre proletarian paradox. For once "kill it with fire" wasn't the answer. Perhaps "nuke from orbit" is the next logical step.

A homeowner and four firefighters are recovering after investigators say he accidentally set his own house on fire while trying to kill bed bugs.

"They came out of the freakin' walls, man!"

Police say the unidentified man was using a space heater, hair dryer and a heat gun to kill bed bugs inside his home on Penn Street in Woodbury, New Jersey.

It's like a live-action Looney Tunes cartoon, if Elmer Fudd was replaced with a heat gun-wielding moron and the cute rabbit with horrific blood-sucking vermin.

While doing this, police say he accidentally set fire to the second floor of his home.

Best laid plans and all that.

Bed bugs are tiny, flat insects that feed only on the blood of humans and animals. And they do it while you're sleeping. The biggest bed bugs grow to be the size of Lincoln's head on a penny, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

I don't know about you but I was all "Holy Christmas, the size of Lincoln's HEAD!!!" Then the penny part ruined it all. We need some new object to describe bed bug size, but I'm not exactly exploding with hot, hot ideas. The tip of an average size little finger? Half the size of a large cuff-link? Not perfect, but at least we're not bringing the Great Emancipator into this mess.

I'm gonna say "Ouch" for Hugh Grant.

Mostly they're just annoying "because their presence may cause itching and loss of sleep," according to the CDC website.

Now I'm annoyed. Get the flamethrower. 

Bed bugs give off a sweet, musty odor and if you have them, you can usually find them in the folds of mattresses and sheets.

"Honey-chile, we're gonna get us some of that sweet, musty odor. That kind you find in the folds of my mattress and sheets. It's finnin' to be so hot you might burn down the second floor."

Of course there are safe ways to get rid of bed bugs if you discover that you have an infestation.

So you might want to put down the giant barrel with "TNT" stenciled on it. We're just sayin' is all.

Original Article.

Komment Korner  

does it work on sodomites too?

Help prevent fires: call Knight Pest Control.

 Anybody who says "Just Sayin'" is a douchebag

Wasn't there a bed bug infestation at the hotel where the Democrats were staying during their 2012 convention? If only they could have called in this heroic guy to deal with it.

certainly a sure fire way to do it!!!

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.