Wednesday, June 12, 2013

News You Can't Use: Man Sets Home on Fire While Trying to Kill Bed Bugs

When man battles insects the smart money is on the insects. Well, at least it is if the man in question lives in 2013 New Jersey and is using a space heater and a heat gun as weapons of choice. It might sound like some Buck Rogers shiz-it, but the reality is a little less fantastic, while at the same time being more fantastic in some sort of bizarre proletarian paradox. For once "kill it with fire" wasn't the answer. Perhaps "nuke from orbit" is the next logical step.

A homeowner and four firefighters are recovering after investigators say he accidentally set his own house on fire while trying to kill bed bugs.

"They came out of the freakin' walls, man!"

Police say the unidentified man was using a space heater, hair dryer and a heat gun to kill bed bugs inside his home on Penn Street in Woodbury, New Jersey.

It's like a live-action Looney Tunes cartoon, if Elmer Fudd was replaced with a heat gun-wielding moron and the cute rabbit with horrific blood-sucking vermin.

While doing this, police say he accidentally set fire to the second floor of his home.

Best laid plans and all that.

Bed bugs are tiny, flat insects that feed only on the blood of humans and animals. And they do it while you're sleeping. The biggest bed bugs grow to be the size of Lincoln's head on a penny, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

I don't know about you but I was all "Holy Christmas, the size of Lincoln's HEAD!!!" Then the penny part ruined it all. We need some new object to describe bed bug size, but I'm not exactly exploding with hot, hot ideas. The tip of an average size little finger? Half the size of a large cuff-link? Not perfect, but at least we're not bringing the Great Emancipator into this mess.

I'm gonna say "Ouch" for Hugh Grant.

Mostly they're just annoying "because their presence may cause itching and loss of sleep," according to the CDC website.

Now I'm annoyed. Get the flamethrower. 

Bed bugs give off a sweet, musty odor and if you have them, you can usually find them in the folds of mattresses and sheets.

"Honey-chile, we're gonna get us some of that sweet, musty odor. That kind you find in the folds of my mattress and sheets. It's finnin' to be so hot you might burn down the second floor."

Of course there are safe ways to get rid of bed bugs if you discover that you have an infestation.

So you might want to put down the giant barrel with "TNT" stenciled on it. We're just sayin' is all.

Komment Korner  

does it work on sodomites too?

Help prevent fires: call Knight Pest Control.

 Anybody who says "Just Sayin'" is a douchebag

Wasn't there a bed bug infestation at the hotel where the Democrats were staying during their 2012 convention? If only they could have called in this heroic guy to deal with it.

certainly a sure fire way to do it!!!

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

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