News You Can't Use: Sutter County DA Investigated For Arson After Mistress’ Home Burns

This story has it all. It centers around a venal public servant who looks like he should be telling you about diabetes testing supplies but apparently has a secret life worthy of a lower-tier version of Caligula. It's got sex. It's got arson. It's got some pretty solid irony. There might even be some cringe-inducing references to the amazing world of technology. Let's do this thang.

Sutter County’s district attorney is being investigated for arson after the home of his alleged mistress burned down.

Hold some sort of respected position in society? Like to get that dip on the side but aren't very discrete about it? Don't worry, I've got the solution.

Fire.

Investigators say racy text messages he sent could point to a possible motive.

Never has "you're getting me hot" and "you're lighting my fire" and "let's burn down the bedroom" been more literal.

Ladies, meet Wilford Danger.

Now, in a strange twist of events, the Yuba City Police Department confirms Sutter County District Attorney Carl Adams has been questioned about the crime.

The truth truly is stranger than fiction. Someone from the legal profession with questionable morals? Hard to believe. 

“If he tampers with the investigation, that’s a different issue itself,” said one neighbor.

"College Football doesn't start until tomorrow, so for now I'll pretend I care about this."

The detective said in his report, “Garibay said she has been having an affair with Adams… Adams has told her how he is jealous. She showed us text messages where he stated he was jealous.”

This will be very useful in establishing the so-called "mo-teev." 

New motto: Adultery, Arson, Abasement.

The report also states Adams showed up at the crime scene just hours after the fire.

And as we all know the criminal always returns to the scene of the crime. This whole case reads like "Baby's First Crime of Passion Investigation." 

“When confronted with Garibay’s statement and phone records, Adams admitted he was having an affair with Garibay,” the report also read.

Great. Now I'm stuck with the mental image of this walrus-looking old bastard doing the Wild Thing.

“I had nothing to do with the arson. I am now allowing the Yuba City Police Department’s investigation to run its course.”

Thank you for "allowing" law enforcement to investigate your crapulence. That's very magnanimous.

Adams and the other two men have not been charged with any crime.

Can you at least pretend you find my crimes interesting?

Komment Korner   

It's just sex. Let's "move on". Character doesn't matter. Yeah, right. --Now help me build this guillotine.

I wonder if I could get him to burn down my rental home.

There is a reason why our Creator set parameters for our behavior.

Ronald Reagan would not have peed on EXPAT if he was on fire.

Doesn't surprise me man. I've known forever that the persecutors in America were one immense pool of evil.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.