Friday, March 13, 2015

DotTeeVee: The Sad Future of Video Games

You have to keep sensible priorities in life. Eroding freedoms? Who cares. Endless doomed foreign wars that leave things worse than before we got involved? Blah, whatever. Corruption at the highest levels of government that has become so brazen they're not even bothering to conceal it anymore? Let me know if it ever comes out on Netflix, man. Messing with my video games? You realize, of course, this means war.

Yes, this makes sense. I can't be bothered that my neighbors became unpersons for speaking their minds or that we're funding terrorists in some country half a world away. What matters is keeping that electronic lotus eating device running and keeping it free and pure. Sadly, it appears we're losing this battle. Today in a very special episode of DotTeeVee (you might want to bring your whole family in to watch this one) we're going to glimpse at the depressing future of the murder simulator and then, because frankly this video is too short and lame for a whole entry, break down the always illuminating YouTube commentary.

Yes, I'm actually going to read and analyze comments on a one minute YouTube "vidyagame" whine. Abandon all hope, etc.

Before we can even get going I'm forced to watch an unskippable commercial. Please remember this, it will become important soon.

Music plays and we see the menu of an EA Sports game, i.e. panels everywhere that take up as much space as possible to give the illusion of lots of features. Is this what's wrong with the future of gaming?


Just to get all your guesses out of the way it's also not the encroachment of politically correct censorship, "save often" replacing "become good" as the way to get through games, little kids calling you incorrectly used slurs in online play, load times, buying a glorified Beta that's full of bugs and requires multiple patches, the expectation that you'll want to be on-line all the time, the same three games being made over and over, the fact that EA sports releases are little more than roster updates protected by an illegal monopoly or the times when your friends sweat on the controller.

You mean "pucks," right?

There's an option to watch a video to earn pucks/coins which are presumably an in-game currency used to buy different colored skates or unlock the Eastern Conference or whatever. All you have to do is watch a video and you're that much closer to being allowed to play as the Washington Capitals without buying the right to do so for $9.99 on X-Box Live. What could possibly go wrong?

It's a commercial.

I really have to wonder what this guy was expecting to see. Hockey goons feeding each other the meat candy? The video for "Round and Round" by Ratt? Maybe in paradise that's what you'd get, but in this fallen world you're shown a goofy ad for Philadelphia Cheese Steaks where "Steak" and "Cheese" are said repeatedly while images of the same are shown. I love getting outraged as much as the next person, but it's hard to consider this a trick bag in light of the fact that it's an optional choice that was freely made, unlike, oh I don't know, having to sit through fifteen seconds of b.s. to see this guy's one minute video.  

Besides, you still get "coins" that you can use to unlock genderless romances in Career Mode, right? That's a shuck, too, apparently. You only get 200, which I guess isn't a lot. Let us all weep for the grim future of simulated hockey.

How will I afford the new elite set items for my Right Wing Power Forward?

That's the entire video. Yeah, really.

Komment Korner, Special Effort Edition  

There's a lot of comments discussing this modern masterpiece, of course, but we'll separate them into some broad categories to make this manageable.

The Totally Worthless 

Multiple claims of being "first," internet slang that was cool and exciting twenty years ago and assorted other statements completely bereft of even the slightest value. Yes, actual real human beings, debatable I know, provided this drivel. Sad future of video games, meet the sad future of humanity.



Wtf hahaha 😵😂😂


Ok then







Yes, all those el oh els are different people. Is it wrong to hope that President Putin "accidentally" bumps that big red button?

  You post garbage, Maverick. I like that.

The "What's the Big Deal" Opposition

What's more fun than being contrary just because you can? Well, lots of things, but when your life is a vast wasteland of watching other people play games on YouTube you take your pleasure where you can get it.

Dont really see the big deal here Johnny

I enjoy the commercial, i really do actually. And i'll take any source of coins.

Wow u cry about that lol 

How many coins did you expect?

You dont have to watch genius...

The Optimists 

Glass half FULL, am I right? For these people, it definitely is and they want to share that positivity with all their nameless and faceless friends in cyberspace!

I went to that Blues game that happened that day.i loved it the best my first game

Don't hate EA! They're people after all and they need money just like everyone else does! They have to feed their families! Don't you have any decency left Johnny?!?!

at least the ad was entertaining....i guess

haters are gonna hate. take a lesson from T. Swift. just shake them off. 

alright sir, I love the beard by the way

Dunno. As long as it keeps video games at 60 bucks.

Like Rain On Your Wedding Day

I wasn't the only one to notice a certain irony.

Them putting ads in the game makes them more money, just like you making this bs effortless video makes you more money

ironically, i had to sit thru an unskippable ad to watch this

Sad future of 2BC: making half-assed minute long videos that looked to made in Windows Movie Maker that would serve better as a tweet just for the views.

This has to be the most pointless video. Everybody knows about the ads. Yet you decide to make a video about it for what? A few extra bucks in your pocket?

They're the Angry Video Game Nerds   

Now we're talking! Let's get into the proper spirit and rage against the dying of the light. 

dude honestly fuck EA, they also patched selling fut coins in fifa 15 by adding a minimum and maximum selling price for players, so u cant for example put a bronze player into sale for 2mil. THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT MONEY, once again FUCK EA

Those scum-sucking bottom-feeding bastards over at EA would do anything for a quick buck. 
More commercials on next gen than actual game modes... a sad future indeed

growth of capitalism + upcoming generation of entitled shitbrains = no funwtf was that for a free EA coins advertisement?!?!?!?!?!?!


And the sad part is i had one of those cheese steaks today, there not even that good. 

Open Mic Night

Don't you love to laugh? Sure you do, you braying imbecile. Here's some humor attempts of wildly varying quality for your consideration.

I want a steak and cheese panini now.

This made me want a sandwich

The sad future of video games*    * = If all you play are shitty sports games... 

EA starts to press the lemon a little bit too much 

That face doe 

Digression! Digression!  

Let's wrap it up with some comments that have absolutely nothing to do with the contents of this video. Come on bro, make some "Civ" videos instead of this!


What is sad I you can't upload a mother fucking halo

Where is the new Arizona coyotes be a gm mode video 

I dunno if its worst then waiting 3 weeks for a civ video.

Johnny in your gm mode you should for the rest of the year put lou morris as cap because if this is the last year with the coyotes you will never see lou be the cap for your team

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

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