News You Can't Use: Suit That Mimics Life at Age 85 Has No Creases, Just Creak

Using special suits to create various compelling illusions is one of the more healthy trends our society has produced, from high-tech onanism devices to those special swimming outfits that were quickly banned when the Olympic committee realized what they'd done. Now you have the chance to simulate the joys of being a respected Golden Ager, just the thing to coincide with the "it's radical to be mature and restrained, bro" trend that's dominating the college debt demographic right now. The stoic inner harmony in the face of imminent dissolution and fondness for the "good old days" is still up to you, but now you can at least enjoy the pain and weakness.

With the push of a button, a perfectly healthy 34-year-old museum-goer named Ugo Dumont was transformed into a confused 85-year-old man with cataracts, glaucoma and a ringing in his ears known as tinnitus.

That's what they call the ringing? I assumed it was just a righteous bonus of enjoying heavy rock. I guess the blown-out eyes that could only be cured by the devil grass is somewhat less face-melting in its implications.

Dumont had volunteered at Liberty Science Center on Tuesday to don a computer-controlled exoskeleton that can be remotely manipulated to debilitate joints, vision and hearing and shared with the crowd what aging feels like decades before his time.

Thanks to inactivity, excess sitting, a garbage diet and crushing stress that whole "decades away!" line seems quite optimistic.

The 40-pound (18 kg) suit also gave Dumont a taste of the weight gain people typically experience as they age.

Let's ignore the epidemic of stay-puff marshmallow children or the freshmen fifty and pretend the above is accurate.

"Wow," Dumont gasped as he struggled to walk on a treadmill facing a video titled "Walk on the Beach."

Please adjust your thirty-something poopy talk to the "by dickey cricky" and "what in the Sam Hill?" oldster talk to fit your new advanced age, completing the illusion.

His heart raced from 81 beats per minute to 100 as the staff cranked up the ailments, pushing buttons and levers on a control board linked to the computer backpack that he wore.

Man, crank up those ailments! I used to be into dope, but now I'm into premature aging simulators. It's a much heavier trip. Whoa, far out.

The Genworth Aging Experience is a traveling show created by Genworth Financial Inc., an insurance company, in partnership with Applied Minds, a design and engineering company, that allows museum visitors to feel first-hand the effects of aging.  

This is part of our special educational campaign to raise awareness of your precarious mortality and the unbelievable weakness of the flesh.

Get off my lawn, beep boop.

Genworth "brand ambassador" Candace Hammer, who narrated one demonstration of the aging suit, said the show's aim is to build empathy and awareness of the challenges elderly people face in everyday situations. 

Hopefully these extreme measures will help you develop some basic human decency.

"In our culture, we revere youth and beauty, so this is opening up the channels to have the 'let's talk' conversation," Hammer said. "It's not shameful that you should need care."

It's time to have that long talk about the normal aging process. Here, put on this robot suit.

With him was his granddaughter, 8-year-old Maggie Richards of Mahwah, New Jersey, who said the "really cool" exhibit would change her behavior, too.

I think we can all agree this entire thing is totally freaking awesome.

"You think old people are weirdos but then you understand that they don't see you and they can't hear you," she said. "I'm going to give them more time to understand what to do. I'll say, 'Can you please move?' Instead of, 'Get out of the way!'"

Another future "Clockwork Orange" teen cured by the elderly cyborg helmet technique. Sorry you can't enjoy Beethoven any more kid, just a side-effect.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Vegetarians Less Healthy, Lower Quality Of Life Than Meat-Eaters

I eat food. That's all there is to it, it's not a political statement or ideological minefield. If you told me my diet could be better, I'd laugh, agree with you and then make absolutely no changes. Somehow this works out and I've managed to neither waste away or develop real curves that you probably couldn't handle. Still, there are times, in my weaker moments when my natural hatred of cows and pigs has been temporarily appeased, when I wonder if there isn't a better a way, a way of glistening health, weak bones, madness, premature death and lots of self-satisfaction.

Vegetarians may have a lower BMI and drink alcohol sparingly, but vegetarian diets are tied to generally poorer health, poorer quality of life and a higher need for health care than their meat-eating counterparts.

No booze. Bad health. Constantly swiping that Obama card. This is why no one ever says "Man, I want to party hardy with those awesome vegetarians!"

A new study from the Medical University of Graz in Austria finds that vegetarians are more physically active, drink less alcohol and smoke less tobacco than those who consume meat in their diets.

This clean living earns a short of life of misery. As you might expect.

But the vegetarian diet — characterized by a low consumption of saturated fats and cholesterol that includes increased intake of fruits, vegetables and whole-grain products — carries elevated risks of cancer, allergies and mental health disorders.

Who knew that "can't stop yapping about my allegedly superior life style" is a mental illness. Eat a steak, it'll fix your developing psychosis.

Vegetarians were twice as likely to have allergies, a 50 percent increase in heart attacks and a 50 percent increase in incidences of cancer.

The vegetables do try to warn you off with their horrible taste. Will we see laws limiting and outlawing their consumption now? Or at least federal mandates on required burger intake? We've got to get those health care costs down, after all. This ballpark frank could save your life.

The most significant dietary habit difference between meat-eaters and vegetarians concerned their BMI and alcohol consumption – with both being higher for those who consume meat.

Well, it's not like you're going to have a beer to help bring out the delicious taste of that bowl of battered carrots and organic brown something or other.

Many past studies have instead put an emphasis on the health risks associated with red meat and carnivorous diets, but this study points the other dietary direction.

Everything you eat will kill you. You are going to die. The grave awaits. The common fate of humanity. Stop pretending this isn't true.

However, the researchers do caution that continuing studies will be needed to substantiate some of the rather broad dietary distinctions, associations presented in this current research.

"We're gonna need more money, of course."

"We don't. Which is why I've had three heart attacks and suffer from paranoid schizophrenia."

Vegetarians reported higher levels of impairment from disorders, chronic diseases, and “suffer significantly more often from anxiety/depression.”

I can see how eating endless foul tasting and hard-to-chew koala food could cause that depression.

Subjects who consumed lower amounts of animal fat were also linked to poor health care practices, such as avoidance of vaccinations and a lack of preventive care.

You mean that girl from "Singled Out" isn't a trustworthy source of health care information? No. I don't believe it. Yelling in an annoying fashion while directing all the guys with smaller endowments off a stage makes you more credible than any so-called doctor.

The researchers conclude: “Our study has shown that Austrian adults who consume a vegetarian diet are less healthy (in terms of cancer, allergies, and mental health disorders), have a lower quality of life, and also require more medical treatment.”

The line "Yeah. Suck on that health freaks." was removed from the final draft.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention notes that healthy diets rich in fruits and vegetables may reduce the risk of cancer and other chronic diseases for all dietary groups.

As long as that healthy diet also contains plenty of dead animals and healthy brown liquors. 

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

Vegetarian: Old Indian word for "Bad Hunter"

Ever met a vegetarian that isn't blowing their nose or coughing? Every vegetarian I know is constantly sick.

coarse they are going to die, they are not vegan they are test subjects of BIG FARMER!

There is nothing like a ham and cheese sandwitch.

Fifteen people and all are dead. Draw your own conclusions.

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.