Sunday, June 19, 2016

News You Can't Use: Shark Killed After Tourists Drag it Out of the Water for Pictures

Here in the Northern Hemisphere the miracle of axial tilt has brought warmer weather and this means off to the beach, dudemar. Yes, it's time for beach party beers, skin cancer, premature wrinkling, hanging ten and dragging animals out of the water and letting them slowly die in agony while we pose around the body and take lots of self-photography. After a long winter it's hard to blame people for these excesses, but we're going to anyway because the welfare of the little brother of Jaws matters a lot, just like everything else.

A shark was killed after a group of tourists and lifeguards dragged the helpless creature out of the water so they could take pictures with it.

When you think of swimming garbage disposals the words "helpless creature" are probably not the first ones to pop into your head, but no one likes tourists even though our local economy depends on them, so let's tut tut over the most shocking crime against nature since tiger selfies.

In a shocking video recorded in the Dominican Republic, a group of seven men race into the water before cautiously approaching the large shark and pulling it to shore.

You could argue that the constant influx of new "shocking videos" combined with the increasingly diminished levels of horror they deliver (Oh no, not the shark!) is turning us into jaded, emotionless nihilists. I mean, what are the odds this was even the worst thing to happen in the Dominican Republic on this particular day, let alone the rest of the world?

Some of those involved were lifeguards from the nearby Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Punta Cana, The Dodo reports.

Thank you, "The Dodo," you are truly the only credible news source left.

It then appears to become tangled in the ropes of a life ring and thrashes violently while trying to escape – but the men continue to drag it from the water.

In some parts of the world these horrific attacks on peaceful "sea kittens" are called "fishing." I know, it's hard to believe we're capable of such callous attacks on our Mother, The Earth.

They then put a life ring over the innocent creature’s head and prod it with a wooden plank.

Give it the plank? Yes, give it the plank.

Others can be seen holding its tail and making thumbs up gestures while in another picture there are four children.

See, there were even CHILDREN? Do you care now? What do you mean "No?"

"Let's party dudes! Hey, what are doing with that plank and life ring?"

A Hard Rock Hotel spokeswoman said "corrective measures" are being taken against the employees involved. 

Your horrible minimum wage job hangs by a slender thread now.

She added: “That is absolutely against our standards of protecting animals as we protect our guests.”

"Whatever the approved opinion is, you can bet I agree with it."

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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