Thursday, June 9, 2016

News You Can't Use: Injured SoulCycle Rider Files the Latest Legal Action Over Indoor Cycling

Exercise is hard and people are soft, so it doesn't take a nine hour certification class in "soul cycle" to figure out there will be a certain amount of friction when the fat-body converges with "Take your seat off! Are you going to quit? Are you a loser?" As the All-American obesity dangles precariously over the missing seat it takes a strong hand to guide the softie to success without completely destroying the so-called "feelings" of you weak meat-bags. Clearly, this balancing act is not for everyone and the result is nuisance lawsuits filed by protoplasm blobs who needed a coach to help them work out on a stationary bike for some reason.

SoulCycle has raced into the hearts of the Hollywood elite, but a first-time rider says she was injured because an instructor bullied her and now the company is facing the latest in a series of lawsuits filed since it was purchased by mega-gym Equinox in 2011. 

Apparently your favorite actress can't pedal on her own, what a scandal. Meanwhile it's time for "bullying," the new catch-all for any undesirable interaction, from the mega-gym. You take a mortal exer-bike man and put him in control. Watch him become a god, watch fatties middles a'roll.

Carmen Farias is suing SoulCycle and instructor Angela Davis — who is a bit of a celebrity herself — for gross negligence, according to the complaint filed May 31 in L.A. County Superior Court.

As a bit of a celebrity in my own right I have to say "Oh wow" to all of this.

She says the lack of instruction, design of the bike, volume of the music and darkness of the room contributed to injuries that continue to cause her physical and mental pain and suffering.

This is the kind of "spinning" instructor I'd probably be. "All right you Christmas hams, time to sweat thick yellow fat from every pour." *turns out lights, cranks up Motorhead, uses a cycle with an inferior ergonomic design* Rock and roll.

She says she had never been to a spinning class of any kind and, while she had ridden a traditional bicycle before, she had not engaged in a physical fitness regimen for several years.

Doctors now recommend you exercise at least once every several years, preferably in a b.s. "This is Sparta!" atmosphere.

An unnamed employee helped Farias clip into her cycle, but no one ever showed her how it worked or warned her not to get out of the seat while the flywheel was spinning.

Fudging exercise bikes, how do they work? Why are all spinning coaches liars?

As class began, Davis turned the music up and the lights down, so the room “was cast into a shadowy darkness."

As opposed to shadowy bright sunlight, I guess.

During the ride, Farias could hear instructors “mocking some of the other riders” because they weren’t keeping up with the pace.

I'm pretty sure you deserve to be mocked simply for participating in this goofy farce, whether you can keep the pace or not.

When her legs began to weaken and she tried to stop pedaling, she says Davis ridiculed her for slowing down and someone — possibly Davis — barked at the riders that “we don’t take breaks.”

Voices from out of nothing with unknown ownership, deep darkness, this is less a fitness fad and more an evil coven.

"The shame caused Carmen to momentarily attempt to pedal faster."

It's almost like it has a motivational quality, hard as this is to believe.

Farias says she quickly realized she needed to stop, but didn’t know how.

Some of that Jetsons "Stop this crazy thing!" up in here.

“Although her head and torso were now lying to the right side of the spinning cycle, Carmen’s left and right foot remained locked to the pedals.”

The end result resembled a parade float.

The momentum of the flywheel kept the pedals turning and her left ankle was repeatedly dislocated, she claims, leaving her "catastrophically injured."

You and I have a very different definition of "catastrophe." 

I ain't even playin' doe.

She says she completed and signed the new rider waiver form, but left it on her desk at work and any waiver she may have signed while checking in at the Beverly Hills studio in is a violation of public policy and unenforceable because SoulCycle failed to provide her with a copy.

The boring contract law that will, after lots of wasted time and money, ultimately defeat this nuisance lawsuit.

SoulCycle has a cult following and Davis is building one of her own. She has more than 41,000 followers on Instagram, and A-listers from Lea Michele to Kerry Washington have tweeted their praise of the instructor — oh, and Oprah celebrated her 60th birthday with a spin led by Davis.

Popularity automatically makes you a good person.

SoulCycle is also currently facing a potential class action lawsuit from customers who are unhappy with its policies regarding the expiration dates on pre-paid packages of classes. 

Still more legitimate than the Trump University lawsuit.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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