Wednesday, June 29, 2016

News You Can't Use: K2 'Zombies' at Brooklyn Intersection

There's a reason that New York City is the only city in America and quite possibly the world that actually matters and that reason is we just don't play, sucka. From Hello Kitty costume wearing junkies that will straight-up rush you, to mole people and of course the next President it's clear that living in The City is both no big deal and the biggest deal possibly imaginable, all at once. Stuff is so thick down here in Manny-Hanny that even fake dope users are a clear and present danger. Yes, abusers who can't even enter the Elmo Union are clearly no picnic, either. I heart sign this city so much it probably ain't even healthy.

A street corner in Brooklyn is one of the worst spots in the city for synthetic marijuana use, with users lighting up in broad daylight, passing out on sidewalks and stumbling out into traffic, according to reports.

Much like that episode of Degrassi Junior High where the prankster kid took vitamins and pretended to be high, except, I guess, slightly less humorous.

Even longtime residents of Bed-Stuy and Bushwick say drug use at the intersection of Broadway and Myrtle Avenue has reached “epidemic” levels.

I mean, "foughetta bout it." I've seen some crazy stuff during my time in the Earthly purgatory that is Bushwick, but these new placebo effect druggies are the absolute worst.

One man said: “I’ve lived here for more than 20 years, and it’s terrible now.”

Ten minutes to deadline, better quick whip-up a fake quote (for a story on fake dope!!!) that has no attribution whatsoever. That journalism school bunco, man.

Synthetic marijuana, also known as K2, is illegal to sell in New York City under legislation passed last fall amid a spike in use. But stores near Broadway and Myrtle are still dealing it — police have reportedly issued hundreds of summonses to store owners, according to a report in DNAinfo New York.

When we made it illegal we didn't, you know, think we'd have to do anything like go in stores or whatever. We were pretty sure the honor system would handle things in a city one bad day away from a return to a state of nature.

Lately, locals have been complaining about quality-of-life issues associated with the drug. 

"I barely felt anything at all from this hocus-pocus!"

New York City health officials issued warnings last spring after synthetic marijuana sent 160 people to hospitals in a little over a week.

There they were given sugar pills to treat the imaginary overdose effects.

The Death Wish vigilante probably doesn't agree.

“It’s an epidemic, every borough, every hood. Just look at the people on the corner, they look like zombies,” Trevor Tyrrell told DNAinfo.

I can handle cannibalistic underground dwellers, giant rats and roving violence gangs, but these zombies might be too much.

Last month a man with a dagger was shot and wounded by police in Bergen Beach, Brooklyn.

Yes, a dagger. Not unlike in "Mazes and Monsters." As a wizard it's the only weapon I'm allowed to use. These are my spells, I guard them with my life.

One teen who was at a rehab center at the time described the drug as a “big blackout.”

Not exactly the next Hunter S. Thompson, but it's the best we've got.

Komment Korner   

I’ve made $64,000 so far this year w0rking 0nline and I’m a full time student.

Doesn't unfettered liberalism bring about utopia?

60% of K8-K12 comprehension tested can not pass reading test. 60%... Only 43% can do math. We are sure doing a great job. But, they all know the size of Kardasians posterior.

They're obviously not the brighest among us but they are not doing anything in conflict with natural law.

I get paid £96 every hour from online jobs. I never thought I’d be able to do it

That's the spirit. Thinking hurts. Don't risk it. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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