Wednesday, June 11, 2014

News You Can't Use: Florida John Offered Salad In Return For Sex

The economy is bad, just ask any story written on the subject since about 2006. Despite this truism, there are still people of vision in the world, people who attempt to win friends with salad. And by "friends" I mean a very good friend for the next ten to fifteen minutes who will then vanish forever. Yes, it's time for more wacky antics from the same "Florida Johns" that cost Al Gore the presidency and provide South Beach eye-ipecac.

Meet Alonzo Liverman.

Sounds like the subtitle for a proposed "Pretty Woman 2" sequel that was promptly shouted down in favor of another "sexy White collar criminal" film.

Short on cash, the 29-year-old Floridian allegedly offered to provide a salad to a prostitute in exchange for oral sex, according to cops.

We in the "industry" call this the "dinner and a show." Well, a rabbit dinner, anyway.

Liverman was arrested Monday morning during a reverse sting that netted nine other men for soliciting a prostitute.

I don't see what exactly makes this sting one of the "reverse" variety. Wouldn't a reverse sting try to entrap with criminal activity but instead of punishing anyone reward those who said "no" with government gimmes for their high moral character? That really doesn't sound so far-fetched these days.

The hookers in question were actually undercover Daytona Beach Police Department officers.

This is why you're supposed to be all "I gots a salad here. You ain't no cop, bay-bee?" instead of just the first part.

While negotiating a liaison with a female officer, Liverman--who was “operating a bicycle”--revealed that he did not have any money.

When you're using a ten-speed bike to try to pick up girls "broke as a joke" is probably a safe assumption.

“I’ll give you a blow job for a salad,” the cop declared.

This might be the greatest single line of literature ever penned in human history. We can all go retire, there's no topping this.

The document does not detail the location of Liverman’s salad (or its street value).

The "I got these cheeseburgers" guy from "Menace 2 Society" finally finds someone he can look down on.

Liverman was busted because he and the cop “agreed upon the sexual act in exchange for food,” investigators reported.

Not sure how this is different from this thing we call "dating."

It won't help you "do the Clinton" either.

Liverman was sentenced to two days in jail and fined $500.

The "reverse sting" cost the city $50,000.

Komment Korner 

Actually, it was her idea

cops are scum

He should have offered to take her to Dunkin Donuts. Then everyone would have gone home happy.

By offering the salad he was in essence saying "Lettuce Alone"

Maybe he should try offering a Big Mac next time.

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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