Sunday, June 29, 2014

News You Can't Use: 'Lacklustre' Lana Del Rey Fails to Put a Smile on Rain-Soaked Crowd

When times are tough I just remind myself that things could be worse. I could be writing concert reviews. This thought is the cerebral equivalent of a Hollywood hand-job. Yes, I can enjoy the false superiority of looking down on the poor devil who uses an well-worn thesaurus to try to come up with fresh ways to say the same things over and over: "The sound wasn't good (cuz it's live)," "The crowd covered in rain/mud/sewage/agent orange had a subdued reaction," and, of course, "the entire band was shit-faced." No, I don't envy this lost soul, but I will use them to slap together a weekend update.

If Friday was the day that Glastonbury 2014 sparked and fizzed to a solid opening, then Saturday was the day that Worthy Farm struggled to dry out from the subsequent deluge, offered a daytime line-up that tried hard but failed to excite, before finally handing proceedings over to rock in the evening.

See, this is what I'm talking about. "The Boeing 747 that was the Glastonbury 2014 fair struggled with lift-off, dropping those oxygen masks, losing fuel and threatening to crash back down to earth as Worthy Fair wrung the heavy rain from tired bones for a line-up that gave it a go but fell short of creating a Maslow-style peak experience before passing the ball to various garbage metal acts." Now just rewrite that a few thousand times and the dream of reporting on "music fairs" can come true for you!

It started well at the Pyramid stage where Nick Mulvey opened with a sweet set, the ideal remedy for the bleary-eyed campers, who had trudged through the mud to see him.

Look mom, I'm WRITING!!!!

And mud there was; in vast quantities. Thankfully not enough to dampen the trademark positive Glastonbury spirit

Yes, that famous "Glastonbury" spirit that no one who lives west of East Port or south of Hastings has ever heard of. Stiff upper lip lads, the "Lana" should be over soon and then we're all going home.

but enough for many to ask the question, why has the English language only got one word to describe the huge varieties of the slippery brown stuff?

It's the English language that has failed, not me.

But some of the best “Glastonbury moments” where to be found further afield, including at the John Peel Tent where hectic Brighton duo Royal Blood staked an early claim on 'festival highlight' status with a frantically aggressive rock-metal set.

Good old "rock-metal," not to be confused with "metal-rock" or "it's kind of like late era Metallica, but somehow even worse, something that, scientifically speaking shouldn't even be possible."

Elsewhere though the complaint that Saturday line-up was disappointing was widely heard.

"Right, it's a bloody outrage, it is!"

Perhaps explaining why the site seemed to convulse with rumours upon rumours about secret gigs.

Sadly the "Young M.C. double-secret comeback gig" did not occur.

And just like last year, it spread like anti-bacterial hand wash at a Glastonbury long drop that Prince would appear, though at the time of writing he had yet to be even spotted on site.

Maybe you're just too demanding.

It was down to Lana Del Ray to fill the late afternoon slot on the Pyramid Stage. She drew a big crowd, but it started growing smaller well before thunder roared and rain dumped down.

How does something "grow smaller?" It's like saying it started to increase in lack of size.

Sadly the singer, who smoked a cigarette on stage, was a big disappointment, even to some or her loyal fans.

We have very high standards for live performances by soon-to-be-forgotten Top 40 fodder, after all.

Her usual stand-out track “Blue Jeans” failed to muster a reaction with hard-to-define vocals and lacklustre delivery, while new track “Ultraviolence” went largely unnoticed by a distracted crowd.

The distracted crowd failed to viddy well, my brother, viddy well.

Just the thing to sharpen you up and get you ready for a bit of the old hard-to-define vocals and lackluster delivery.

Meanwhile on the Other Stage it was the duty of Imagine Dragons to up the pace, which they did with a mud battle in front of their stage, leaving them covered in ooze, presumably in sympathy with their fans.

It's on the "Other Stage." I can see how that could become confusing.

In was “Radioactive” that really a sort of trance-like communal act of swaying worship.

It was like a Catholic Mass, but maybe 4% as entertaining and unpredictable.

Soon after Jacked White opened his set on the Pyramid Stage with two White Stripes numbers to keep the crowd warm, before meandering into a country-music style interlude and then a self-indulgent rock out.

Well, who doesn't enjoy a good "jazz odyssey" before the headlining puppet show begins?

It was a touching tribute and left the crowd whistling the tune into the night, with the Pixies, Jake Bugg and Metallica still to play.

1994 is back and better than ever!

Komment Korner  

While I realize the author has a thesaurus, I don't need it proven to me as I read every possible adjective used to describe each situation.

I only clicked on this link to look at Lana's picture! She's HOT! But she's a lousy performer

Sadly, young Lana seems to be porking up, too.

Who are these people and who even cares.

I know nothing about her, but if she smoked a cigarette onstage, she's all right by me, by golly!

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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