Friday, November 1, 2013

DotTeeVee: HR's Employee Betrayal Secrets

You're one of the minority of U.S. Americans that is employed. However, all is not well. In addition to a table covered in bills, a nagging wife and those fat cats in Washington that are more concerned with the special interests than your kitchen sink dramas you also must contend with expert betrayers that operate right under your nose. Yes, Human Resources. Because each human being is a resource to be used, sort of like units in Age of Mythology. If you don't work out, we can always double-click on a building and get a replacement.

Based on actual events.

While the sort of piano music that usually accompanies a silent movie plays we're introduced to a typical H.R. villain. He looks like the softer older brother of Ned Flanders, but that doesn't stop him from claiming to be from the department of "Dark Arts." He declares his reason for existence was "betraying employees." Man, I didn't expect this kind of treatment at Judas Corp. 

I should also mention that this video is pixelated all to hell, perhaps to protect the identities of the principles from brutal H.R. reprisal attacks. 

"One time I used the company copy machine to make copies of my area."

How the betrayal works is most employees seem to think the purpose of this smarmy guy was to act as a Catholic Confessional, when in reality he was just another appendage of The Enemy. They shared their "intimate thoughts" he says. "Dear HR Office, I never thought this would happen to me, but last weekend it did. I have a ten inch penis..."

Then, of course, the snitch 'n' punish would occur, but "they never seemed to figure it out." Even the interviewer can hardly believe it. The awesome power of fake friendship is cited as a possible explanation for this incredible trick bag. 

"You guys are my friends, right?" Also: swag bag.

We get an incredibly awkward bit with two older ladies. Your boss says "you're terrible!" Forced laughter is followed by a "that's not nice!" I have no idea what the point of that was. Fortunately it's back to the evil corporate wizard. 

We're given a patented "one weird trick" to firing people. The secret, if you're responsible enough to handle it, is to use "As you know" sentences over and over. Let's try. "As you know, no one likes you. As you know, in a state of nature I'd probably kill and eat you. As you know, I won't even remember what you looked like in a week. As you know, you're fired."

That's pretty much how it works, my version might have been a little sharper on the edges than is typically recommended. 

The upshot is the employees are mind-washed by this neural-linguistic programing and end up practically firing themselves. 

"As you know, I'm not fully able to conceal my disgust."

What is the defense for an "As you know" bombing campaign? Answer: run!

Hey, it's time for basketball! Except there's no hoop and both people have a ball. That's not really how it works.  Well, at least they're not doing the adult act, so that part is accurate. Unfortunately the dumpy male half is not really into this odd game, but instead of being "down with the honies" he's down with talking about how to fire people. 

"Yo, I came here to BALL, not to hear your wack businessman stories."

Our new corporate scumbag has his own unique system, a bizarre reverse psychology approach where he keeps telling the victims things like "you're so good" and "I really appreciate what you're good at" until they're so creeped out they beg to be discarded. "You know when you're rocking the place," he adds, as the long suffering interviewer soldiers on as best she can. "That's really good," she tells him, perhaps trying to turn the tables and make him go away by deploying his own weird tactics. It works, because the video ends.

"I'm through with this, I'm down with the self-employment."

Komment Korner  

HR is where they pump smart employees for info then they fire them. 3w. RisePatriot (com)

Geez, if someone came up to me like the second guy I would just shake my head and wonder if he really thinks I'm stupid enough not to know what he was doing.

its not fake i work for the Federal Gov't and this is exactly how it is.

I believe it. This is the pathetic "Real world",we live in.

don't trust the employee assistant counseling either!

Shill Section  

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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