News You Can't Use: Man Arrested for Impersonating Cop to Get Discount on Donuts

Big Pastry is completely out of hand, charging ridiculous prices for those delicious confections that whatever nominal levels of free will I have are completely powerless against. Clearly the solution is to nationalize it so people who never eat doughnuts, ever, are forced to subsidize my addiction. Until this obvious, common sense solution is implemented, other tricks are necessary to get that glazed opiate. Solutions like impersonating a police officer and whipping out a gun.

Pasco County Sheriff Deputies arrested a man last week after he allegedly attempted a daring heist. Deputies say 48-year-old Charles "Chuck" Barry went to the drive-thru of a Trinity Dunkin' Donuts, identified himself as law enforcement and then proceeded to demand a discount for donuts.

It's so sad to watch Chuck Berry's downward spiral. First that entire "cameras in the bathroom" thing, now this. Wait, what? It's not actually the famous one? Darn.

Smelling a rat, the clerk refused, drawing ire from the hungry impersonator who allegedly held up a gun -- still in its holster -- and said, "See, I'm a cop!"

Sure, I've got my ObamaCard right here..." *Pulls out gun, points it directly at government apparatchik.*

Strangely enough, Barry returned the next day to the drive-thru where the manager took down his license plate tag.

It's almost as if high sugar foods have some sort of bizarre ability to influence behavior. That or this guy is not exactly a candidate for Manhattan Project 2. Maybe some combination of the two.

On November 12, surveillance was set up at Dunkin Donuts in a risky sting operation.

The sort of selfless heroism you might read about in 1984.

After being identified by the vigilant crew of Dunkin Donuts, Barry was arrested and charged with one count of False Impersonation of a law Enforcement Officer and Improper Exhibition of a Firearm.

Eternal vigilance is the price of easy access to powdered junk foods.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.