News You Can't Use: Dunkin' Donuts Employee Allegedly Sprayed Donuts With Bleach Before Giving Them to Teens

You can chart the decline and eventual collapse of doughnut humor by figuring out what year offered the first season of Zombie Simpsons and then drawing a downward line at a 45 degree angle, with said line reaching zero or perhaps negative numbers in our present year. If you're hoping that today's post will spark a renaissance in bakery guffaws I'm not gonna throw no shade on ya but keep in mind most of this blog's viewers are Russian web-bots and the story I have to work with contains almost every evil the modern world has to offer. All right, just a few specific evils like entitlement and trying to poison your fellow meat-bags, but that's enough, right?

An employee at a Dunkin' Donuts in Virginia allegedly sprayed day-old donuts with a cleaning solution that contained bleach before giving them away to a group of teenagers who later ate them, Virginia police said.

The banality of evil doesn't get much more banal than this. We may have reached peak trite malevolence.

The teenagers had previously received the store's leftover donuts for free, and they had returned to the Dunkin' Donuts in the 2900 block of Chain Bridge Road for more on July 25, Fairfax County police said.

"Don't worry, these entitlements are just a safety net to get you back into the work force," someone said, once.

Someone at the store denied their request multiple times but eventually relented and told the teens to come back later in the day, police said.

This is the kind of behavior that would make Gandhi try to kill you with cleaning products, let alone some put-upon minimum wage slave.

Before the group came back, that employee allegedly sprayed the donuts with "a cleaning solution that contained bleach" and then handed them off to the teenagers, police said.

Y'all bout to get "trolled" by rolled bread.

The teens ate "anywhere from one bite to a whole donut," police said, before they realized something may be wrong with the food and called police.

"I can't believe I ate the whole thing" is finally a relevant reaction.

No one was injured, and a criminal investigation is ongoing.

Everything's fine, better put someone in a cage or whatever.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

You would probably be in more danger by eating one licked by Ariana Grande.

You should be the first to be 'exterminated' when the donut peddlers decide your poverty is punishable by death. 

The attack on morality continues!

I don't eat donuts

He thought it was "doughnut freshener". Give the guy a break.




Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Man Arrested for Impersonating Cop to Get Discount on Donuts

Big Pastry is completely out of hand, charging ridiculous prices for those delicious confections that whatever nominal levels of free will I have are completely powerless against. Clearly the solution is to nationalize it so people who never eat doughnuts, ever, are forced to subsidize my addiction. Until this obvious, common sense solution is implemented, other tricks are necessary to get that glazed opiate. Solutions like impersonating a police officer and whipping out a gun.

Pasco County Sheriff Deputies arrested a man last week after he allegedly attempted a daring heist. Deputies say 48-year-old Charles "Chuck" Barry went to the drive-thru of a Trinity Dunkin' Donuts, identified himself as law enforcement and then proceeded to demand a discount for donuts.

It's so sad to watch Chuck Berry's downward spiral. First that entire "cameras in the bathroom" thing, now this. Wait, what? It's not actually the famous one? Darn.

Smelling a rat, the clerk refused, drawing ire from the hungry impersonator who allegedly held up a gun -- still in its holster -- and said, "See, I'm a cop!"

Sure, I've got my ObamaCard right here..." *Pulls out gun, points it directly at government apparatchik.*

Strangely enough, Barry returned the next day to the drive-thru where the manager took down his license plate tag.

It's almost as if high sugar foods have some sort of bizarre ability to influence behavior. That or this guy is not exactly a candidate for Manhattan Project 2. Maybe some combination of the two.

On November 12, surveillance was set up at Dunkin Donuts in a risky sting operation.

The sort of selfless heroism you might read about in 1984.

After being identified by the vigilant crew of Dunkin Donuts, Barry was arrested and charged with one count of False Impersonation of a law Enforcement Officer and Improper Exhibition of a Firearm.

Eternal vigilance is the price of easy access to powdered junk foods.

Full Article.

Shill Section  

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.