You can chart the decline and eventual collapse of doughnut humor by figuring out what year offered the first season of Zombie Simpsons and then drawing a downward line at a 45 degree angle, with said line reaching zero or perhaps negative numbers in our present year. If you're hoping that today's post will spark a renaissance in bakery guffaws I'm not gonna throw no shade on ya but keep in mind most of this blog's viewers are Russian web-bots and the story I have to work with contains almost every evil the modern world has to offer. All right, just a few specific evils like entitlement and trying to poison your fellow meat-bags, but that's enough, right?
An employee at a Dunkin' Donuts in Virginia allegedly sprayed day-old donuts with a cleaning solution that contained bleach before giving them away to a group of teenagers who later ate them, Virginia police said.
The banality of evil doesn't get much more banal than this. We may have reached peak trite malevolence.
The teenagers had previously received the store's leftover donuts for free, and they had returned to the Dunkin' Donuts in the 2900 block of Chain Bridge Road for more on July 25, Fairfax County police said.
"Don't worry, these entitlements are just a safety net to get you back into the work force," someone said, once.
Someone at the store denied their request multiple times but eventually relented and told the teens to come back later in the day, police said.
This is the kind of behavior that would make Gandhi try to kill you with cleaning products, let alone some put-upon minimum wage slave.
Before the group came back, that employee allegedly sprayed the donuts with "a cleaning solution that contained bleach" and then handed them off to the teenagers, police said.
Y'all bout to get "trolled" by rolled bread.
The teens ate "anywhere from one bite to a whole donut," police said, before they realized something may be wrong with the food and called police.
"I can't believe I ate the whole thing" is finally a relevant reaction.
No one was injured, and a criminal investigation is ongoing.
Everything's fine, better put someone in a cage or whatever.
You would probably be in more danger by eating one licked by Ariana Grande.
You should be the first to be 'exterminated' when the donut peddlers decide your poverty is punishable by death.
The attack on morality continues!
I don't eat donuts
He thought it was "doughnut freshener". Give the guy a break.
Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.