News You Can't Use: New Weight Loss Chip Implanted in the Arm Tells You When to Stop Eating

This week the middle portion of the North American Union will be celebrating some sort of hybrid gluttony/pretend to tolerate relatives you see three times a year festival. Maybe the attempts at human contact and politeness represent novelty, but the face-stuffing probably doesn't fall too far out of normal parameters for many. The upshot is we've got some weight issues. Fortunately, the invasive implantation of poorly tested and probably dangerous technology is rushing to the rescue.

A computer chip that could be implanted in an obese patient’s arm to help weight-loss is being developed by scientists.

Now they just have to develop some sort of drilling device to get through what doctors call "arm flab" or "fatceps." 

It would constantly check for fat in the blood and, when someone has eaten too much, release a hormone that sates hunger.

Technology can solve any problem, which is why we're currently living in an intellectual, spiritual and economic golden age.

In tests on mice, an early version of the device led to obese creatures eating less fatty food and shedding weight.

...and let's be real, you're just a glorified mouse. In fact, in many ways, you are the inferior of that particular vermin. Here, let me put things into your body to alter your behavior.

The Swiss researchers hope that within five to ten years they will have a version the size of a coin that can be slipped under the skin of a slimmer’s arm.

The current version is the size of a mini-refrigerator, requires two car batteries to power and has a bad habit of ordering the heart to stop beating. Give us a decade or so, all that will be fixed. In the meantime, keep on gorging, I guess.

The chip’s inventor, Professor Martin Fussenegger, said chips containing other combinations of genes could be developed to tackle other illnesses.

It could be used to prevent Wrong Think and control Face Crime! That will always be the dream, anyways.

If effective, it would provide an alternative to diet pills, which have to be taken several times a day, as well as to expensive and invasive obesity survey such as gastric banding.

Finally, a viable alternative to cotton balls.

The equal and opposite reaction.

It is also hoped it will be free of major side-effects.

It sure would be nice.

Being obese can knock up to nine years off a person’s life and raise the risk of a host of health problems, including diabetes, heart disease, stroke, infertility, depression and some cancers.

The opposing argument distills to "only dogs dig on bones" and "more cushion = sweeter pushing."

A spokesman for the researchers said: ‘Humankind has a weight problem.

You humans and your stupid minds. Stupid! Stupid!

Subject to funding, the chip could be tested on people for the first time in around three years.

In four years we should start seeing the first "1-800-BAD-CHIP" ads for class action lawsuits.

If it is shown to be safe and effective, it could be widely available a few years afterwards.

If not, we'll be digging some extra-wide graves.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

Whatever happened to good old self control.

It would be nice if Democrats had a device to tell them to stop speaking if a lie is detected. 0bama would not get past "Good morning."

Think this is bad? Wait for the Obamacare chip that tells you when to stop breathing.

Doesn't that already exist in our brains????

Diet and excerise simply aren't viable

Shill Section  

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.