News You Can't Use: Highly Radioactive Substance found in Swiss Dump

I think I'm going to switch to an All-Swiss News format in a concentrated effort to dethrone the Zurich Daily Double or whoever as the best source of information about that tiny slice of Europe. I know it sounds drastic, but the righteous and amazing stories keep falling from heaven and I'm well versed in the basic stereotypes so it will be quite awhile before the watch/knife/avoidance of entangling alliances humor runs out. Consider today's wacky tale of dumps, radiation, substances and, I'm assuming, not allowing foreign passions to draw a nation into disastrous adventures.

A highly radioactive substance, emitting in some places radiation 100 times the permitted amount, has been discovered in Switzerland, local media reported Sunday, adding that authorities had covered it up for 18 months.

So yeah, your top-quality watch actually wasn't supposed to glow in the dark and that knife shouldn't have had three corkscrews.

It just writes itself. Maybe a "Heidi" reference next?

Swiss weeklies Le Matin Dimanche and SonntagsZeitung reported that federal, regional and local officials decided not to reveal the fact that they had found radium deposits in an old dump in the town of Bienne so as not to scare the 50,000 local inhabitants.

Nice to see that literally the best, most civilized nation in the world is not immune from allowing horrible things to happen so as not to anger the peasants. After all, we wouldn't want to ruin my idyllic childhood being raised by my Grandpa in the Alps with awful truths about why I'm sterile and my teeth keep falling out.

"120 kilogrammes of radioactive waste was obtained after sorting. We measured doses of several hundred microsieverts at the source," Daniel Dauwalder, a spokesman for the Swiss federal office for public health (OFSP), told Le Matin Dimanche.

"This is bad," he further clarified after receiving blank stares.

Exposure for three hours to that level of radiation would be equivalent to the tolerable level over a whole year.

Please help us make a big deal out of this.

The OFSP judged the risk to public health "weak", although SonntagsZeitung said that tests on the water table would begin next month.

We'll then cover up those water table results for a decade or two because we don't want anyone getting upset.

Public health authorities have shifted the blame back and forth, with local officials saying the OFSP should have informed the public about the incident, and the OFSP saying the responsibility lay with municipal authorities.

"I was on vacation that day!"

The president of the federal commission in charge of monitoring radiation (CPR), which was not informed of the incident, said the various authorities had made a "mistake".

I guess that's a fair assessment.

"Me, I trust the total silence from our government."

"This will all come back to bite us and it is much more difficult to stay credible and win back the public's trust," Francois Bochud told Le Matin Dimanche.

"I don't expect to win much of the ghoul vote in the next election."

Full Story.

Komment Korner   

It probably got dumped there by another country that paid Switzerland for the right.

I REALLY want a true 'glow in the dark' watch again. What's a little radiation when juxtaposed against the quality of life?

Meanwhile a giant radioactive Reindeer is growing in the forest, getting ready to challenge Godzilla for supremacy.

Radiation is everywhere- concrete for example often is emitting radiation. We go outside, the sun blasts us  

This is what big gov't gets you. "It's their fault, no It's their fault!" lol

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Rich Swiss Couple Robbed Churches "For Thrills"

Quality watches. Multipurpose knives. Neutrality. Banks full of Nazi gold. This is Switzerland, as seen through the eyes of an American ignoramus such as myself. Suffice it to say, there's a lot more to this great nation than dodging wars and making delicious milk chocolate. Things like elderly criminals that rob from the Reformed Church in the name of "kicks." Let's examine the incredibly sexy, cool and imitate-able antics of these geriatric anti-heroes.

Two wealthy Swiss seniors arrested for robbing from church collection boxes, told police that their crime spree was just for thrills, justice authorities said Wednesday.  

I look forward to the major motion picture where they're portrayed as role models and have about fifty years knocked off their age. This summer "Gone From the Collection Plate in Sixty Seconds!" from the people that brought you "Need for Tithes."

The couple, who prosecutors said were well-heeled, claimed that they were driven by a desire for an adrenalin rush.

Is there a greater thrill than ripping off the on-moved mover? Maybe driving a car slightly faster than the speed limit or True Love, but that's all I can think of.

They had never had a brush with the law before.

...and all they were doing was taking funds that were intended for charitable use! Let 'em off!

The run of thefts began last November, and the couple are estimated to have made off with several hundred Swiss francs.

This is the equivalent of about $10 billion in inflated American funny-money, maybe more.

"Don't even try it, Grandma."

The husband kept watch while his wife stole the money.

It's not exactly "Operation: Swordfish" but it will have to do.

The investigation was continuing, prosecutors said.

"Because we live in a heavily armed, decentralized, isolationist society there's virtually no crime, so we've got plenty of time to waste on this shaggy dog story."

Don't even bother with the ad-laden source. http://news.yahoo.com/rich-swiss-couple-robbed-churches-thrills-police-152850916.html

Komment Korner  

They just stole from hipocrites.

Must be democrats.

The list of so-called "victims" keeps getting longer and pretty soon all conversation will come to an end because of forbidden PC words. This is 1984 and "Thought Crime."

Most likely Obama Zombies..........take 'em both out and shoot 'em, the #$%$!!

should have read 50 shades of grey instead

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: New Weight Loss Chip Implanted in the Arm Tells You When to Stop Eating

This week the middle portion of the North American Union will be celebrating some sort of hybrid gluttony/pretend to tolerate relatives you see three times a year festival. Maybe the attempts at human contact and politeness represent novelty, but the face-stuffing probably doesn't fall too far out of normal parameters for many. The upshot is we've got some weight issues. Fortunately, the invasive implantation of poorly tested and probably dangerous technology is rushing to the rescue.

A computer chip that could be implanted in an obese patient’s arm to help weight-loss is being developed by scientists.

Now they just have to develop some sort of drilling device to get through what doctors call "arm flab" or "fatceps." 

It would constantly check for fat in the blood and, when someone has eaten too much, release a hormone that sates hunger.

Technology can solve any problem, which is why we're currently living in an intellectual, spiritual and economic golden age.

In tests on mice, an early version of the device led to obese creatures eating less fatty food and shedding weight.

...and let's be real, you're just a glorified mouse. In fact, in many ways, you are the inferior of that particular vermin. Here, let me put things into your body to alter your behavior.

The Swiss researchers hope that within five to ten years they will have a version the size of a coin that can be slipped under the skin of a slimmer’s arm.

The current version is the size of a mini-refrigerator, requires two car batteries to power and has a bad habit of ordering the heart to stop beating. Give us a decade or so, all that will be fixed. In the meantime, keep on gorging, I guess.

The chip’s inventor, Professor Martin Fussenegger, said chips containing other combinations of genes could be developed to tackle other illnesses.

It could be used to prevent Wrong Think and control Face Crime! That will always be the dream, anyways.

If effective, it would provide an alternative to diet pills, which have to be taken several times a day, as well as to expensive and invasive obesity survey such as gastric banding.

Finally, a viable alternative to cotton balls.

The equal and opposite reaction.

It is also hoped it will be free of major side-effects.

It sure would be nice.

Being obese can knock up to nine years off a person’s life and raise the risk of a host of health problems, including diabetes, heart disease, stroke, infertility, depression and some cancers.

The opposing argument distills to "only dogs dig on bones" and "more cushion = sweeter pushing."

A spokesman for the researchers said: ‘Humankind has a weight problem.

You humans and your stupid minds. Stupid! Stupid!

Subject to funding, the chip could be tested on people for the first time in around three years.

In four years we should start seeing the first "1-800-BAD-CHIP" ads for class action lawsuits.

If it is shown to be safe and effective, it could be widely available a few years afterwards.

If not, we'll be digging some extra-wide graves.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

Whatever happened to good old self control.

It would be nice if Democrats had a device to tell them to stop speaking if a lie is detected. 0bama would not get past "Good morning."

Think this is bad? Wait for the Obamacare chip that tells you when to stop breathing.

Doesn't that already exist in our brains????

Diet and excerise simply aren't viable

Shill Section  

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.