Sunday, September 13, 2015

News You Can't Use: There WAS Life on Mars but 'Catastrophic' Event Wiped it Out, Scientist Says

Gather round children, it's time to hear a fairy tale about things that happened long ago and far away, as told by the highly educated version of Mother Goose. Certainly the multiple advanced degrees will contribute to quality "just so" stories, or at least you would expect that. Let's tear into this speculation about things that might have happened, presented as set-in-stone fact, at least for the time being. Science is on the case, friends, and that should at least be good for a few chuckles and rueful shakes of the head before we're done here.

Life probably did start on Mars, but a catastrophic event must have completely wiped it out, a scientist has claimed.

The new scientific method. Step One: make some lazy observations or at least skim through what someone else observed. Step Two: Come up with various "Well, this seems plausible and doesn't appeal to any divine authority" just-so stories. Step Three: Big money, stories in British online news sources, horny co-ed debt victims breaking down the office door, etc.

Lewis Datrnelll, a UK Space Agency research Fellow, believes early microscopic forms of life may well have formed on Mars billions of years ago, but a major environmental event later made the Red Planet completely inhospitable even to the single-celled organisms that may have formed.

Believe in the possibility of microbes. If you have enough faith, poured enough money into the university swindle and are pure of heart it will become true. Also we butchered this guy's name, but it's understandable considering how exciting this all is.

Mr Dartnell, who is also author of The Knowledge: How to Rebuild our World from Scratch, a New York Times and Sunday Times best-selling book explaining how to rebuild society in the event of an apocalypse, said: "Something catastrophic has gone wrong on Mars environmentally."

We'll use the same nihilism, materialism and spiritual cancer that led to the apocalypse to rebuild society in our caves and mole-holes! Best seller!

He said the only life that would have developed before that would have been singled celled - "only the bacteria you would see under a microscope" - but whatever happened wiped out its chance of evolving into more complex creatures.

You can't see it because it's invisible and magical, but it was there, just trust me on this one. Then, because of original bacteria sin a great cataclysm occurred and the land was cursed forever.

He said: "The atmosphere has been blown into space. It is too cold and dry for any life now.

A wizard might have done that, we don't know.

"There were never any multi-celled life forms, animals or plants. The myths of canals on Mars will forever remain that."

If I lived 150 years ago I'd probably be promoting the canal myth, but here I am with some totally fresh tales from the imagination.

He was speaking during a debate on the search for extra terrestrial intelligent life at the British Science Festival in Bradford University.

There was a British Science Festival and I wasn't informed?

What do mean you don't see it? Come on, it's right there!

In both cases they were hailed as major breakthroughs and evidence that the red Planet once probably had continents separated by vast oceans which possibly contained some form of life.

Probably vast canals, Vrill energy, huge domed cities, domesticated dinosaurs and whatever else you want to throw in the "possibly" bucket.

Komment Korner  

Time for this planet to get wiped out.

Shouldn't have been driving around in their little ameba SUVs. Climate change strikes again!

I blame George W Bush for the tragic loss of life on Mars all those millennia ago.

Another "scientist." *sigh*

21st century science: make s*** up and see if anyone believes it.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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