Wednesday, September 16, 2015

News You Can't Use: US Air Force Threatens to Destroy Property Next Door to Area 51 After Owners Refuse to Sell

It's not easy living next to Area 51, what with the alien autopsies, families of dangerous mutants, air planes flying over your house occasionally and all the other crazy ideas about this forbidden zone I've cobbled together from heavy metal music videos, late night radio broadcasts and awful remakes of classic movies. It appears this "not easy" is about to be upgraded to "impossible" (I already have a copyright on "Pimping is Impossible" so don't get any ideas) thanks to the latest attempt by our government to dislodge a family, presumably of the non-mutant variety, from this national blind-spot.

They've been bombed, shot at, and intimidated for 60 years. But the Sheahans don’t want to give up their land to the “neighbours from hell.” 

"Yup, Air Force done dropped this hee-ah bomb on our house. We ain't movin' and we ain't taken no charity, no suh." You would think a very brief carpet bombing campaign would be enough to defeat a residential neighborhood and you'd be correct, but please, accept these tall tales from the citizen rebels that aren't about to see their home become a storage building for dead space invaders.

Located in the Nevada Desert, the military base officially known as “The Nevada Test and Training Range” borders on the Sheahan’s property, which has been in the family since 1889.

Military prototypes and other high tech devices related to national security? Yeah, right. We all know you're holding Big Foot and possibly the original non-Coca Cola Santa Claus in there, just admit it.

The family’s allegations range from illegal government searches and checkpoints to military jet attacks on the mine and a devastating cancer cluster that has seen the premature deaths of several members. 

Great, now when I'm playing my video game on a plane the guy next to me will be yelling for me to shoot the "cancer cluster" instead of the hell-fire missiles.

But the final straw — and the one that drove the Sheahans to end an extraordinary six decades of silence — came last month when the US Air Force (USAF) gave them an ultimatum: sell up for $5.2m or watch it seized and destroyed for free.

"We finally figured out that, because we're the government and own everything under the Removal of Freedoms Act, we could just demand the property instead of beaming in cancer or using the experimental weather control device to drive them out."

The family turned them down, claiming the offer was less than half the true value of the land and didn’t come close to compensating for Area 51’s legacy of disease and lost livelihood.

This property contains a valuable mineral pyrite mine, lots of blasted wasteland and several different shrubs. 10 million, minimum.

Last week, USAF filed a lawsuit seeking to have the property condemned to speed up acquisition. If successful, the Sheahans will be left with nothing.

Lawyers: worse than disease rays or air force strafing runs.

“We want them to know what they have done over the last 60 years to our family is not acceptable.”

"I blam mah Eee Dee on dem foo fat-er tacks."

The USAF says it wants the land because, after decades of escorting family members in and out of the highly-restricted space, it can no longer ensure their safety.

Yeah, a likely story. We know you're pure evil, nice try though.

But Joe Sheahan told CNN that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Let's have a nice, rational and unbiased discussion of how germ warfare killed your cattle and Soviet ghosts are keeping you up at night.

“What they really want to buy is our property, our access rights and our view."

We must close the "view gap" with our Russian "friends" before it's too late.

Deploy the eminent domain lawyers.

The family’s Facebook page describes them as “ardent patriots” who have tried to be “flexible to the requirements of Area 51”. 

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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