Friday, July 12, 2013

DotTeeVee: Parents Upset Over New Nintendo Console - Super Nintendo - Circa 1991

Are video games destroying lives? In 1991 the answer to that was "yeah, probably" as opposed to the "yes, definitely" of today. As the technology made another big jump forward from the rather basic Eighties games the world changed, perhaps irrevocably. Who better to document this tumultuous time in the history of something that really doesn't matter than local news reporters?

"Have things gone too far?" is the question we'll be addressing. Is "Pilotwings" creating a generation that will forsake wage and marriage slavery to obsess over gliders? Could the castrated SNES version of Mortal Kombat lead to real life crime? We better start with a therapist.

Yes, group therapy for Super Mario codependency. The therapist actually has the balls to ask "does this really have to cost this much" in reference to the games. Keep in mind she's probably charging each family $100 an hour and they don't even get a private session, instead having to air Johnny's embarrassing inability to beat Mario without warping despite near constant play to a bunch of equally troubled strangers. Our counselor suggests getting angry at "The Manufacturer" because assigning blame to outside agencies is always the first step to addiction recovery. Meanwhile a younger version of one half of Kid 'N' Play dominates the shot.

"You ain't going to no stinking (video game) party!"

The voice-over grinds in additional indignity, calling the victims "Nintenpendent." I'm sure they came up with that after hours of brainstorming, beating out other strong contenders like "Nintendopeheads" and "Junkies For Eight Bit Smack." Sadly this is the end of the therapy session so I can't give you much more help with your joystick problem, other than blaming capitalism, of course.

One woman suggests "peer pressure" is part of the issue. "You want to try some Bayou Billy, kid? Come on, all your friends are doing it."

We move on, suggesting that the number of vidiots in therapy and insane asylums will only increase with the new "Super Nintendo," priced at a staggering $200. Yes, kids, there was a time when two Franklins was considered an obscene sum to pay for a toy that hooks up to the moron box. Still, there will be "better pictures" or so we are told. 

The next generation of "picture" technology.

We have now reached the painful moment where the uncool, goofy news reporter actually tries to play these so-called "electric games." Making it less, or arguably more, painful is the fact that the magic of television shrinks down the reporter so it appears he's actually in the game! Naturally, he sucks at it.

Learn to play, newb.

We get the expected "I'm over 30 so am completely unable to adapt to any new or novel situation" complete with ironic remarks about "watching the road." He runs in reverse for awhile, which suggests an ignorance that runs deeper than unfamiliarity with electronic recreation. Has this guy ever seen a race? It really isn't that complicated.

We try a jump, but lacking the skill of a "nine or ten year-old" he promptly crashes. Game over, man.

"Tell my wife I love her."

Apparently there are resistors to this new era of "it was good for the time, but didn't age well" gaming. A woman explains that she'll tell her child that marketing is used to make you want things you don't need so they can get your money. Actual good advice without bombastic fear-mongering or finger-pointing? Hopefully this never catches on or everything our society is built on will come crashing down.

We finish by noting there's also something out there called "Sega," but I doubt they'll ever amount to much, even if some people prefer their "pictures." Yes, he says pictures again. I understand the average television viewer is unlikely to start the next scientific golden age, but do they really need to have everything explained in the simplest, most patronizing terms? It's not like we've got people putting kids into expensive and obviously worthless therapy for a harmless know what, never mind.

The obligatory "Pac Man" reference and we're done.

Komment Korner

these parents did a lot of LSD in the 60s and they thought their kids were addicts

What a fucking joke, dont buy your kids the shit or better yet make them play outside.

Because Chrono Trigger's powerful storyline and smooth gameplay was specifically designed to make you spend money. Thank you, corny news corporation thingy. 

Lol yeah that was funny. He got owned.

Video mania? What about " Hair Mania" ??

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

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