Wednesday, July 31, 2013

News You Can't Use: Mutilated Cows Found at Missouri Farm, Police Not Ruling Out the Possibility of Aliens

If there's one disappointing aspect of the last few years, other than the total collapse of western civilization, it's that extraterrestrial intelligences seem to be getting bored with us. A relationship that once burned down the bedroom with probing and hybrid creature breeding experiments has lost its spark. The Grays are all "it's not you, it's me" but I think we all know better. They're cheating with some Planet X hominids and we've been tractor-beamed to the curb.

Or maybe not! A story from the Show Me State gives hope that the minds that explained agriculture and pyramid construction to us may be back and very, very interested in cow genitals.

 Who would cut the tongues and take the reproductive organs from several cows?

This is the question I think we're all trying to answer in our own special way.

Robert Hills, Henry County Sheriff’s Chief Deputy, says the first cow was discovered in December of 2011, the second and third this summer. All were female cows and were owned by rancher Lyn Mitchell.

Three missing cows. This is what passes for a crisis in rural Missouri. If you were wondering why everyone wants to leave the city, consider this your answer. Also "female cows." As opposed to what? A male "cow" is called a bull, city slicker. "They ain got dat on yer fan-see gaw-gol? You some kind o' mo-ron?" etc.

“We couldn’t see any signs of trauma, and it doesn’t appear that there was any type of wild animal, such coyotes, that were involved,” Hills told KMOX.

Crazy old "science" probably has an explanation, but it's more fun to pretend that the decomposition/scavenger animal process is some impenetrable mystery.

Deputy Hills says decomposition of animals in the summer can cause a certain type of bloating.

Not to be confused with the certain type of bloating caused by typical American dietary habits.

“We’re having to look at this from two sides,” says Hills. “Some people believe that there are aliens that are involved in this or the possibility of the occult going to the other end of the spectrum, we’ve talked to other people that say that just when cows die that’s what happens to their bodies.”

"We've narrowed it down to saucer people or evil wizards as the most likely suspects." I guess the reverse vampires and colors out of space have been safely ruled out. As has the obvious, rational explanation, of course.

Traveled 10,000 light years. The objective: cow tongues.

The first cow discovered on Mitchell’s ranch had her tongue and ear removed. Mitchell told KSHB-TV she assumed the mutilation was part of a sacrificial ritual or just teenagers, so she didn’t report it.

"Prolly just dem kids doin' thar Say-tan-ic rit-u-alls. Don see no need to git da law." Seriously, I love her blase attitude toward black magic ceremonies. I mean, what could you even do, right? It's not like the police have a bunch of elder signs in the trunk of their car or something. 

Mitchell said the veterinarian told her the cuts to the cow were precise and surgical. Also what seems to be the common denominator of all these incidents is the lack of blood and other bodily fluids surrounding the area and inside the animal.

With the Scooby Doo gang retired and keeping bees somewhere this case may never be solved.

Mitchell told the Mutual UFO Network (MUFON) that the third cow’s heart was removed and exposed, but was not taken.

Creating an acronym organization does not provide instant credibility. Sorry.

Komment Korner  
Is there such a thing as a decent report or some semblance of decent journalism anymore? Constructing a sentence is elementary.

Looks like the work of some secret sinister man. Carlos Danger maybe

Aliens, doing jobs Americans won't do.

*sigh* It's what happens when a cow dies, and vultures get at it. They attack the exposed areas where skin is thinner, so they go for genitals, tongues, eyes, etc. The lack of blood is because the animal was already DEAD.

and your mama.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

No comments:

Post a Comment