News You Can't Use: Are These Mystery Radio Bursts Messages From ALIENS?

Space aliens are bad at communicating. Their current strategies illustrate this well-reasoned fact quite well: abducting and probing rural Americans, using their lasers to carve up our cattle and replacing our leaders with reptile shape-shifters. They apparently don't know what a phone is and so the above nonsense seemed the next best solution. Well, that and radio signals that seem to be just not-random enough to suggest some sort of intelligence.

In 1967 British astronomer Jocelyn Bell Burnell was left stunned by mysterious pulsing signals she detected coming from outside the solar system.

This was the sort of wicked sexy stuff I thought I'd be getting into when I took that "Space for Jocks" elective in college, but instead it was a bunch of math.

For months she suggested the signals could be of an extraterrestrial intelligent origin, but they were later proven to be rapidly spinning stars known as pulsars.

She then faded back into well-deserved obscurity.

However, a new series of mysterious signals, known as Fast Radio Bursts (FRBs), has again got astronomers scratching their heads and wondering if, maybe, we’re picking up alien messages.

"Learning the obvious lessons of incidents from 1967" is not the strong suit of your average professional star-gazer.

The mystery stems from the fact it is not known what could produce such a short and sharp burst.

Let the wild speculation begin! By the time the unbelievably mundane explanation is revealed we'll all get some of that sweet, fleeting "Science Fame." 

This has led some to speculate they could be anything from stars colliding to artificially created messages.

Incredibly, the "stars colliding" explanation is arguably even less credible.

The radio emission was so dispersed, experts suggested it must have come from a great distance away, possibly billions of light-years.

My doctorate in "What Seems Possible Studies" lends extra weight to this just-so explanation.

Theories so far include flaring stars, white dwarfs merging, neutron stars colliding and – most intriguingly – alien signals.

Other possibilities include swamp gas, ball lightning, sleep paralysis, you were drunk/high, false memory syndrome, etc.

It would be fantastic if this was an alien signal as the knowledge that we are not alone in this vast universe would have a dramatic impact on our perception of our place in the scheme of things.

"We could start blaming the E.T. people for not preventing World War 2 and so on!"

It will take further studies and observations in future to truly determine where they come from, and what is causing them. Until then, it’s difficult to rule any particular theory out of the window.

Because a theory is an idea without physical substance and as such can't be put through windows.

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Komment Korner

aliens dont exist, stop researching this and keep it hidden from the public

Silly atheist scientists, God only created life on one planet.

How can anyone believe in such rubbish. It's just a page fillet

We thought once that there was only this planet

I believe the aliens and martians can see how weak OBAMA is and are planning to attack.

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His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Mutilated Cows Found at Missouri Farm, Police Not Ruling Out the Possibility of Aliens

If there's one disappointing aspect of the last few years, other than the total collapse of western civilization, it's that extraterrestrial intelligences seem to be getting bored with us. A relationship that once burned down the bedroom with probing and hybrid creature breeding experiments has lost its spark. The Grays are all "it's not you, it's me" but I think we all know better. They're cheating with some Planet X hominids and we've been tractor-beamed to the curb.

Or maybe not! A story from the Show Me State gives hope that the minds that explained agriculture and pyramid construction to us may be back and very, very interested in cow genitals.

 Who would cut the tongues and take the reproductive organs from several cows?

This is the question I think we're all trying to answer in our own special way.

Robert Hills, Henry County Sheriff’s Chief Deputy, says the first cow was discovered in December of 2011, the second and third this summer. All were female cows and were owned by rancher Lyn Mitchell.

Three missing cows. This is what passes for a crisis in rural Missouri. If you were wondering why everyone wants to leave the city, consider this your answer. Also "female cows." As opposed to what? A male "cow" is called a bull, city slicker. "They ain got dat on yer fan-see gaw-gol? You some kind o' mo-ron?" etc.

“We couldn’t see any signs of trauma, and it doesn’t appear that there was any type of wild animal, such coyotes, that were involved,” Hills told KMOX.

Crazy old "science" probably has an explanation, but it's more fun to pretend that the decomposition/scavenger animal process is some impenetrable mystery.

Deputy Hills says decomposition of animals in the summer can cause a certain type of bloating.

Not to be confused with the certain type of bloating caused by typical American dietary habits.

“We’re having to look at this from two sides,” says Hills. “Some people believe that there are aliens that are involved in this or the possibility of the occult going to the other end of the spectrum, we’ve talked to other people that say that just when cows die that’s what happens to their bodies.”

"We've narrowed it down to saucer people or evil wizards as the most likely suspects." I guess the reverse vampires and colors out of space have been safely ruled out. As has the obvious, rational explanation, of course.

Traveled 10,000 light years. The objective: cow tongues.

The first cow discovered on Mitchell’s ranch had her tongue and ear removed. Mitchell told KSHB-TV she assumed the mutilation was part of a sacrificial ritual or just teenagers, so she didn’t report it.

"Prolly just dem kids doin' thar Say-tan-ic rit-u-alls. Don see no need to git da law." Seriously, I love her blase attitude toward black magic ceremonies. I mean, what could you even do, right? It's not like the police have a bunch of elder signs in the trunk of their car or something. 

Mitchell said the veterinarian told her the cuts to the cow were precise and surgical. Also what seems to be the common denominator of all these incidents is the lack of blood and other bodily fluids surrounding the area and inside the animal.

With the Scooby Doo gang retired and keeping bees somewhere this case may never be solved.

Mitchell told the Mutual UFO Network (MUFON) that the third cow’s heart was removed and exposed, but was not taken.

Creating an acronym organization does not provide instant credibility. Sorry.

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Komment Korner  

 
Is there such a thing as a decent report or some semblance of decent journalism anymore? Constructing a sentence is elementary.

Looks like the work of some secret sinister man. Carlos Danger maybe

Aliens, doing jobs Americans won't do.

*sigh* It's what happens when a cow dies, and vultures get at it. They attack the exposed areas where skin is thinner, so they go for genitals, tongues, eyes, etc. The lack of blood is because the animal was already DEAD.

and your mama.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.