News You Can't Use: One Third of Young US Adults are too Fat to Join the Military

Hello young person from generation nothing. I'm sure you're eager to go over to Iran or maybe shoot your fellow citizens in a food riot. Well, not so fast there, lard-o. The growing problem of fatty boom batties is now apparently becoming a national security issue. Sorry, having a physique like the Kool Aid Man just isn't ideal for the war on [whatever the national boogeyman becomes next]. We're forced to actually tell young people that they're going to die on their own from morbid obesity and as such don't need any help from a police action. Fortunately, we've got a "this is a bad thing" article to lament this problem so let's start with the wailing.

The nation's obesity epidemic is causing significant recruiting problems for the military, with one in three young adults nationwide too fat to enlist, according to report issued Wednesday by a group of retired military leaders. 

Here we thought all those video game war/murder simulators would improve readiness and promote jingoism, but instead the non-stop sitting and snacking have severely damaged our ability to drop and give twenty, climb walls, run while loaded down with ammunition and all those other things that help win hearts and minds in rock deserts and steppe wastelands.

The nonprofit, non-partisan group called Mission: Readiness (Military Leaders for Kids) is promoting healthy school lunches in Kansas and across the nation as a way to combat the problem.

Non-partisan. "We don't care what cause young people die for, as long as they're dying." Eat this carrot, it will help you eat lead when you're older.

In Kansas, 29 percent of teenagers are overweight, according to figures it cites from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Sorry Toto, Dorothy is a shut-in confined to a bed the size of a Thanksgiving Day float.

Obesity is among the leading causes of military ineligibility among people ages 17 to 24, the report notes. Others are a lack of adequate education, a criminal history or drug use.

I was so doped-up, poorly educated and criminal I couldn't figure which end of the gun was the dangerous one to point at democracy's enemies.

All those put together mean that 71 percent of Kansans are ineligible for military service, according to the group.

New Kansas State motto: To the stars through gorging on fatty foods, failing out of school, shooting up and committing crimes.

Schmader, who retired from the military after 32 years and now lives near Leavenworth, is among a group of retired military leaders who has been going to schools around the state promoting healthier lifestyles.

"Good news, class! A general who presided over some losing wars three decades ago is here to tell you to eat your greens!"

About 99 percent of the schools in Kansas have adopted healthier meals under the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010, which requires more fruit, vegetables and whole grains in school meals, along with less sodium, sugar and fat.

In unrelated news there's now a massive junior high black market for Ding Dongs and Ho Hos.

First Lady Michelle Obama lobbied largely behind the scenes for the Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010.

Well, we've got the hunger-free part settled, at least.

Schmader lauded her efforts, but said his non-partisan group of military leaders had been pushing for healthier school meals long before the first lady got involved.

We wanted to feed kids tasteless garbage to prepare them to be sacrificed on the altar of war BEFORE it was cool or fashionable.

Full Story.

Komment Korner

I'm a conservative

I was following the diet of lisa plog and I ended up losing 22 pounds.

Why would anyone WANT to join the military right now?  

t never ceases to amaze me how many fat women are dressed in uniforms when i go to lunch every day. And yes, fat guys too.

at least they are not staying at home sucking welfare through the system.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.