DotTeeVee: Aleksander Emelianenko MMA MOTiVATiON - HARDEST TRAiNiNG

The current sad state of gym motivation/death sport encouragement is something I think about a lot. It's an area where there's no shortage of content, all of it uniformly terrible. What you usually get is lots yelling, puffing up and making terrible allegories that encourage you to equate the quest for success with not wanting your head held under water, for example. I mean, you like breathing, don't you? The only quality producer of these videos, a jacked Men's Health (it's a magazine, ask your Grandpa, kids) model who would lift weights and then tell you "that's not normal" was killed by a train and since then it's been a vast, blasted wasteland.

Until now, that is. It's time for a scary Russian criminal to motivate you to fix your lazy, decadent American life. Yes, you American. I must break you (of your bad habits). You will lose (disgusting fat). Whatever he hits (mostly the victims of his shocking crimes), he destroys.

Oh, hello there. I didn't hear you come in.

We start with a still photo of a man who spent a significant portion of his life in Russian prisons posing with some other guy while awesome hype music plays. Then it's off to the gym to meet our Sherpa on this most important climb of your life. I wouldn't trust getting jacked and learning to rip some face to just anyone and neither should you. We'll just ignore that whole "sitting on a Smith machine" deal. It's not like it's even close to the worst thing he's ever done. Our Slavic motivational speaker disgorges himself from the fitness device and points menacingly in the general direction of the camera. "Did you start playing sports?" Whatever answer doesn't get me brutally murdered is the one I'm going to give. 

Why yes, Mr. Dead Eyes, I have. How did you know? Fortunately for my continued existence, he seems okay with the idea, recommending that people go to the gym to "save our health." Everything seems to come back to not being put into the ground with this guy, I'm sorry. He then does a single awkward repetition on some sort of cable station and performs a thumbs up afterwards. If The Fonz had been replaced by a brutal and soulless Saint Petersburg crime, mayhem and sport machine, this would be the end result. Now get yourself in shape or next time you come home he'll be waiting under your bed.

I didn't jump the shark, I stabbed it to death.

It's now time to demonstrate the correct amount of sweat to shed during your workout. Mr. Emelianenko is standing in a small lake created by leaked coolant from skipping rope (It's fun to imagine this unbelievably tough and scary dude doing tricks and reciting nursery rhymes during this process). I'm not sure a healthy body can create that much liquid, you might have a glandular issue. Suffice it to say, your Planet Bitchness is not going to be cool with it. I, on the other hand, think it's impressive and cool. This is a great video. Please don't bludgeon me into the promised land, Grim Reaper. Yes, that's his nickname.

We get another thumbs up. Nope, nothing wrong here.

This horrific skeleton monster art should motivate you.

Off to crush the heavy bag! This consists of throwing many short punches to "work on motor skills." Time to give the thumbs up. This jovial trademark gesture is somewhat undermined by The Red Devil (he's got many nicknames, all of them implying deadly violence) glaring menacingly into the camera. Thankfully we fade to black and then step into the ring to throw some hands at a partner holding focus mitts. Not much to say about this, other than my inspiring leader's tendency to say "Da" while he hits, as if he's saying yes to every devastating strike. Then, sometimes, I like to switch it up and say "nyet," as if I'm saying no, don't stop the face-smashing. 

Now for some ground game from the SAMBO expert. Some control from guard bottom against a striker is demonstrated and this, of course, earns disapproval from idiots in the comments who honestly think they could do it better. Know-it-alls on my internet? It's more likely than you think. Here's a fighter who has fought top opponents in several countries, but I have a white belt in Combat Dog-Boxing Kung Fu from a school in the Midlands. Let me tell you what you should be doing, mate. Great Britain, never big on that whole "self-preservation" concept.

 I'm ready to fight a Russian monster with 27 MMA wins who once killed a bear with a knife.

The Warrior is flipping a giant tire! If he starts doing kipping pull-ups next, I'm not sure what to think. Instead the rubber to road interface of Bigfoot gets repeatedly turned over. Then it's box jumps, but this is Russia and there are no suitable boxes, so just pile some plates. We're in danger of this turning into a "gym fail" video, but luckily the man with a degree in economics (!!!) retains verticality after an awkward slip. Now, jump rope. Someone go get the mop. Music that sounds like something off the soundtrack of a seventies action film plays and with that bizarre anti-climax we're done. I feel I have been adequately prepared mentally and spiritually to exercise in pursuit of my sport goals. Thank you, sir.

Komment Korner  

Everyone should go to gym. He's sending these lazy nerds a good message 

Alexander you need to move your legs when on the ground, it will help you gain control of your opponent. Put your feet on his hips and armbar. If you are ever in England come and train with us at "Tony Delaney's Elite MMA Academy" 

STRAIGHT BEAST! So AWESOME seeing him back, And whooping Dudes at that!

Don't mess with Mother Russia

You cant have those tattoos and not earn them.  

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

DotTeeVee: EA Sports UFC 3 Trailer Leak

I guess it would be best to just get the obvious out of the way: today's subject is not actually a promo video for an upcoming vidya game (Black and white Reebok shorts for all fighters! Just like the real thing!) but is instead a promotional video for UFC 5 on VHS cassette. Every single word of the last sentence fills me with profound joy. Sorry, you'll just have to keep guessing if the new television game has a Pac-Man style side mission where you have to escape your gym through twisting hallways while Nevada State Athletic Commission drug testers are in hot pursuit. In any case, please forgive this little deception, but it did earn this video nearly 870 views as of this moment, as well as 7 downward pointing thumbs, so clearly this little con game paid off big time.

I should also say that everything on the associated channel is pure gold if you're into classic extreme no-rules reality cage-fighting and what sensible person isn't? I'm talking oddities like Alcoholic vs. MMA fighter (That guy wasn't a real Alcoholic, you can tell by the stance and the moves are too dangerous to use in competition...) or forgotten Trent Jenkins fights. Pure. Gold.

Today's subject hearkens back to a more innocent time when people thought "UFC" stood for Utah Fried Chicken, when the events were promoted as a brutal death sport and you could wear whatever you wanted in the Octagon, even non-Reebok products. Instead of mainstream popularity and a carefully manicured image it was all about the promise of blood, death and "All I saw was swinging."

Tonight we'll probably see someone killed and eaten.

There's a "Vidmark" logo and this probably should have tipped off viewers that we're not headed to EA Sports land for a minor roster update and a few new features you'll quickly disable in the options menu. Instead there's a giant Tipper Gore parental advisory label and a promise that "the faint of heart" or as we now call them "every single Millennial" would be advised not to watch any further. With the sissies out of the room we go right to fully grown men hurling their bodies at opponents and black fencing. "Technique!" as Jim Brown would say.

Speaking of the greatest non-Walter Payton running back in NFL history, he provides another gem with "You really have to know what you're doing" as one of the forgotten heroes of the cage gets pummeled mercilessly on the ground. Yes, it would definitely be a good idea to have some idea of what to do when a guy that went to Simon Fraser University and has both boxing and wrestling experience is repeatedly striking the facial area while the referee just lets it go for some reason.

This one-sided beating was included on a "Best of" DVD release. Really.

We're told that this is becoming a very popular live event, so look out monster truck rallies and roller derby! More Jim Brown! "I will take quickness and technique!" Yeah, I gotta agree, especially when the alternative is a beer belly, a slimming black outfit, some highly dubious credentials (Black Sash in Blue Dragon Gung Fu! 77-0 in bare-knuckle competition!) and blocking strikes with your face. This was clearly part of the charm of these early events: you had legitimate fighters with real skill going against people who didn't even look like they could run up some stairs without injuring themselves, let alone impose the physical will on another human unit in a game of kinetic chess.

"There's no way out!" we are told. Well, you can lose. That would do it, right? Suffice it to say they would regret all this ultra-violent hyperbole when a guy named John McCain, who was old and doddering even in 1995, decided this would be an acceptable target for political grandstanding. Trying to start World War 3 with Russia, opposing No Holds Barred Anything Goes Fighting...everything he did was wrong.

 Finished second in 2008 Election, tried to ban the world's best sport.

Jim Brown discusses "A very dangerous type of weapon" that we hadn't seen before. What could he be referring to? A jumping spinning flying triangle choke/arm lock combination? Bionic limbs? Basic sprawling? Well, as it turns out, he's talking about using headbutts. It took several events for this amazing secret technique to be used, long before Mark Coleman made an entire career of this dangerous forbidden technique from the mystical Orient.

Let's meet the fighters! The Beast (imagine Freddie Mercury with the body of a Middle Linebacker)! The Russian Bear (imagine an ordinary looking Slavic guy in a judo gi)! And many more! We get a loving closeup of a downed opponent being kicked, a move that violates about ten different rules today, but back then it was a lot simpler: Only the strongest survive! 

Also, this is where fatigue steps in! If you've ever watched an early event with its one minute fights and endless filler in between, you're familiar with that exhaustion. Now we get the main attraction, namely the SUPER FIGHT. In fairness to whoever edited this, they somehow were able to get enough footage to make that 35 minute plus (!) lay-n-pray marathon look exciting, no small task. On the other hand the fight will feature "Amazing Gracie" and "The Deadliest Man Alive" Ken Shamrock. Call me crazy, but I like this nickname a lot better than the awkward "World's Most Dangerous Man" even if it isn't strictly accurate since I don't recall him ever killing someone in competition. He's tough and all, but he's no Chong Li.

   

Watch it if you dare! We conclude with "What a brutal match that was!" delivered in a bored monotone. If that doesn't get you hyped, you might not be breathing. Only on VHS from Vidmark entertainment! Yes, this is the same event that now earns millions and has massive popularity. No, really.

 No, this isn't a "Left Behind" Sequel.

Komment Korner  

K i guess...

Best Moments

lol

The Russian Bear!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.