It's about time we update "Duck and Cover" for the exciting new generation that, according to what I've gleaned from Pepsi commercials, is the best ever. Naturally, we'll just have the Chinese do it and import the halfhearted results, just like those Sorny moron boxes and fun lead action dolls. The end product might not be as cheerful as the paranoid turtle, but it will offer the same worthless advice that is sure to put everyone at ease. When you see the Rocket Man flash, you better hide your ass, etc.
An official Chinese newspaper near North Korea has published a page of articles on coping with nuclear attacks, in a sign of growing anxiety over Kim Jong Un’s weapons program.
A massive explosion that leaves nothing but radioactive ash isn't normally the kind of thing you'd "cope" with, as if it's just a bad hair day or whatever. On the other hand, there's no better source of lifestyle advice than official Chinese newspapers.
The Jilin Daily -- the government newspaper of Jilin province on North Korea’s northeastern border -- published articles on page 5 explaining how nuclear weapons work and the damage they cause.
I get most of my news from the Jilin. Here's a insightful article describing how you'd be vaporized by the blast, leaving only a shadow on the ruins to mark your passing. This is Real News.
The paper used cartoons to offer advice on what residents can do about radiation exposure and provided instructions on how to respond during an attack.
Instructions like "put your head between your knees and start kissing your ass goodbye."
Another warned that air raids could mean nuclear, chemical and biological attacks, and used the 1945 atomic bombing of Hiroshima as an example.
What. I'm pretty sure there were no chemical or biological agents in that attack, but through the miracle of incorrect formatting that seems to be the message.
The cartoon images illustrated how residents should clean their bodies, boots and coats after being exposed to radiation. They suggested taking iodine tablets, if there is radiation nearby.
Real bummer about that Atomic Holocaust. If you need me, I'll be scrubbing my cool leather jacket and taking some iodine while my skin peels off.
Goofy Curious George and his little firecracker. Sad!
North Korea, which last week launched a new type of intercontinental ballistic missile, said ahead of the drills that it would consider the “highest-level hard-line countermeasure in history,” according to the state-run Korean Central News Agency.
They also explained how Beloved Leader never cried as a baby and doesn't need to use the bathroom as an adult.
Spotting a Nazi is easy (it's anyone who disagrees with me). The same can not be said, however, for their ideological brothers from another mother. As usual, an armed forces film from 1950 has all the answers. And we'll get them fast, too, because this incredible tour de force clocks in at about sixty seconds worth of "turn in your neighbors" and "nerve gas the beatniks" Conformity Era greatness. Yes, we're heading, via the miracle of the Information Superhighway, back to a time when a "safe space" meant a poorly constructed fallout shelter that might buy you a few extra days of slow agonizing death after the Reds dropped the A-Bomb.
We get some of that filmstrip logo and music while a modern (?) voice-over informs us that "propaganda is vastly more important in democratic societies." Sorry, dudemar, that's just flat-out wrong, as anyone with even the most passing acquaintance with totalitarianism would inform you. On the other hand, I'm sure you meant well (not actually sure) with your "Democracy is the real tyranny" puerile drivel and this voice won't be coming back, so I guess we shouldn't dwell on it.
From the good people that brought you "How to Set Up a Kill Zone."
The real narrator, with his confident post-war speech patterns, certainly provides a stark contrast to the poopy-talk "everything and everyone is corrupt" intellectually impotent babbling that opened this. We see a possible red, what with his smoking and untouched beer at a bar, but we are advised not to judge based on appearances. 1950 America was extremely open-minded. On the other hand, if they actually tell you "I'm a communist" you should accept that as fairly strong evidence. This is great stuff, I hope you're all writing this down. 1 = 1, everything else will follow from that.
We cut to another bad element reading something called "Daily Worker." The big story involves police battering "phone strikers" to protect our free and open society, but this pinko rag might actually side with the telephone union (is this even a thing?) rabble and as such we can judge the person reading it as a potential bad apple. Or, as the Based Narrator puts it, "He may be a communist!"
And yes, he does deliver that line like Jeff Foxworthy. His whole goofy act, stolen from a mental hygiene film. If you think that declaring there is no starvation actually eliminates it...you may be a communist! If you read 1984 and think "This sounds pretty good, actually," well, you might, just might, etc.
Also "supporting organizations" that have been labeled communist by the Department of Justice probably means you're untrustworthy, as we see a smiling young lady sitting under a "Down With Imperialists" sign. Then we cut to a far less young and attractive woman who is apparently giving an anti-democracy speech, complete with fist-shaking and stomping. Imagine a suffragette version of Hilary Clinton's "Why aren't I fifty points ahead!" disastrous attempt at imitating human beings and their so-called emotions and that's basically what this represents.
Why were the famous actors paid less than half of what the male actors earned last year?
We get a montage of all four of the Eisenhower-era villains while we tie it all together by noting that someone who does all of the Wrong we've seen is almost certainly communist, since the idea of "trolling" didn't really exist back then. Next up is a parade against "KKK Terror" and "War Bases" that we are told might contain other, more silent Reds. Yup, nothing more silent than a giant protest in the middle of your town. With that, we're done. I now feel adequately equipped to find and defeat the enemy within.
Komment Korner
Science should not be involved with politics, nor technology for that matter.
What I got from this: If somebody is a communist, he may be a communist.
I am a communist....."I may be a communist"
"If he's wearing a T-shirt that says 'Mutha' fuckin communism is da bomb' there is a good chance he might be a communist."
Guy shares his skateboard with a friend he must be a communist!!!!
COMMUNIST DETECTED ON AMERICAN SOIL, LETHAL FORCE ENGAGED.
Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
