News You Can't Use: Judge Orders Mom Not to Get Pregnant Again

We live in a land of laws, no seriously stop laughing, and who better to interpret and enforce them than lawyers in black dresses? It just makes sense: spending your entire adult life finding ways to subvert and obfuscate plain language for your own selfish benefit is more than adequate preparation to become the defender of this sacred code in the twilight of your life. And if you maybe get a little wild with the rulings, that's to be expected and even praised. In New York City, where we don't play, sucker, the magistrates are ordering the world's worst scumbags not to have more children.

A western New York judge has ordered a mother not to get pregnant again until she is able to “get her life together” and become a responsible caretaker for her children, issuing the controversial decision after a fourth child was taken from the woman because of neglect.

It takes a special sort of "blank slate" madness to honestly believe someone like this is going to reform after a little tough talk and the court-ordered removal of a child she probably deeply resented as a burden. Maybe we should actually punish her instead of blowing hot air, but I guess offering a chance to take Strike Five is enough.

The woman, referred to in court documents as Brandy F., is a sex worker and drug addict who allegedly admitted to ingesting crack cocaine, methadone and alcohol while pregnant, Monroe County Family Court Judge Patricia Gallaher wrote in the December 27 decision.

Even by Big Apple standards this is a Bad Mother.

Her first child, born in 2007, has lived with his maternal grandmother after it was discovered he was “not protected from access to hypothermic needle."

Luckily an hilarious typo saves us from the grinding horror of urban rot and the broken humans it has swallowed up. Honestly, that needle is freezing, man! Get a coat on that sucker.

“Over and over this court has had to order children removed from the mother only to see her show up in court in a few months obviously pregnant, often by another man"

Yeah. Another man is generally required for the "where do babies come from" miracle.

In her ruling, Gallaher wrote that her goal was to allow Brandy to stabilize her life so she could one day have custody of her children.

Pollyanna shakes her head and tells you to start being a realist about this situation.

Brandy’s sons and daughter “would most probably rejoice in having [a] mother who was clean, sober and competent, and hopefully even would love them as a mother should love her children,” Gallaher wrote.

I'd most probably rejoice if I walked into my bedroom and Taylor Swift was waiting, naked and covered in various flavors of chocolate and ice cream, but that ain't happening either.

The judge, who retired in December, noted the responsibility to get Brandy back on track not only falls on the shoulders of the mother-of-four, who did not appear in court,  but also on caseworkers to offer family planning and contraception, as the law allows.

I'm literally giving a sermon to the walls. How about you case workers? You can fix this, right? I'm counting on you! *retires the next day*

Caseworkers cannot require a client to utilize family planning or contraception.

This might make that whole "carry it on your shoulders" thing a little difficult.

Ron Lugbill, Brandy’s attorney, told WHEC that they plan to appeal the decision.

It is absolutely essential that this drug-addicted prostitute has a fifth child, Idiocracy-style, and we're going to make sure it happens.

Abandoning your child is endangering the welfare of a child and it is a crime, not a constitutional right.

Whoa dude, let's wait until activist judges review this before we make this sort of outrageous statement.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

hypothermic needle?? what the hell is that?

People became 'hooked' on the Government 'Hand-Outs' which were not a 'Hand-Up' at all to the people that should have realized the true essence of the potential of the help.   

Kudows on the judge

Amanda Rooney.... maybe we can bring this up at the brown bag!

my gf's parents just got an almost new red Buick Regal GS only from working off a laptop.  


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: UT-Arlington Police Issue ‘All Clear’ After No Gun Found Following Scare

I'd like to apologize to my loyal readers (Yes, both of you!) for the absence but my computer finally died and insert more irrelevant and boring personal details at the end of this sentence after you finish the article. Don't forget, now! The good news is that I'm back with yet another amazing bit of useless news. In the past kids had "snow days" off from school, but thanks to global climate change caused by my automobile ownership as well as unprecedented societal health levels these have been replaced with one-day vacations for "terror," "open shooters" and "some rats got into the Michelle Obama lunches and their bloated dead bodies are now choking the halls." Today we have the extreme privilege of examining one of these incidents that just scream how everything is fine and your gun store should have your order by next week, stop bothering us.

University of Texas at Arlington says a “suspect has been apprehended,” and the “all clear” has been given.

We can now start treat this just like the weather. All clear like an azure sky on a spring day, student loan holders! The forecast for tomorrow calls for partly cloudy with a chance of major malfunction caused by lack of paternal attention.

Says the latest, and likely last Mav Alert, “Multiple sweeps of the Architecture Building have been completed. No weapon has been found. Resume normal operations.”

I initially read that as "Marv Albert." They've switched back into a zone defense of our soft targets...sweeping through the architecture zone...Roark being put in cuffs and tazed...Yes, and it counts!

Also, beep bloop beep, resume normal operations fellow biological units. Scanning complete, no threats detected. Please return to nominal protocols.

UTA police say the man had a video camera, not a gun, and that he was not a student. It’s not yet clear why they referred to him as a “suspect” in the Mav Alert.

Well, we're all suspects, right? Watch that Face Crime, brother.

He was eventually released from police custody about 90 minutes after the incident began.

This is why our taxes don't contain an itemized list of police expenses.

School is in session today, as students take final exams. 

First I find out the "roommate suicide" loophole isn't real, now this. No guns, but I have a feeling they'll be plenty of bombs on that exam.

Full Story. 

 Wow, look out Harvard.

Komment Korner, Traumatized Student Edition   

Some guy dressed in army gear walking around campus with a gun.

ain't nobody got time for that

There is a man with a gun on campus but UTA is more concerned with us still taking our finals.

ATTN! 911 911 911 POTENTIAL GUNMAN AT UTA ARCH 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

News You Can't Use: Homeless Florida Man Brings Skull to Grocery Store

With Halloween just around the corner and down the temporal street that ultimately leads to dark and hateful oblivion it's time for some real life scary stories. Or at least a real life "I can't believe how awful and pathetic everything is" story, which is what the so-called real world tends to create rather than PG-13 thrill rides about evil dolls and evil clowns and evil dolls that are clown-dolls. Still, today's story manages to take highly unusual events and present them in the most banal "oh well" fashion, so at least there's that. If we can't have sincere scares at least we can be proudly desensitized to hometown horrors.

Shoppers at a Sebastian, Florida, Publix grocery store called 911 when they saw a homeless man walking around with a human skull, authorities said.

More "Publix" snobs, people who think they're too good for "Everything's Cheap and Rotten" or "ALDI." All it takes is a dangerous human derelict and his macabre fashion accessories and everyone's using their little glow screens to call in the five-oh.

"He had put the skull on top of a trash can over there because he wanted to tell somebody to call the sheriff's office," said Indian River County Sheriff’s Office spokesman Thomas Raulen. 

That's how that works. If you need police assistance, go to some lower tier food depository and set the item of concern or a reasonable facsimile on the ash can. Society's nice and healthy, nothing about this is unusual, please resume your shopping for Dinnerables and assorted swine parts.

The unidentified homeless man found human remains in an isolated area near the homeless camps and brought it to the Publix to report the body on Tuesday.

This one time...at homeless camp... I also like how there's more than one and it's just accepted with "oh well" resignation. Not our problem 'til they start with the skullin', I suppose.

“He was using it as a puppet," witness Nick Pecoraro told WPBF News. "It smelled like death.”

We'll just leave out these bizarre and sickening details when we make the police report, because it's easier that way.

Can we just do more common core math instead?

Raulen said that it was unlikely that the victim had been decapitated, but that the body was too deteriorated to tell much information about the victim. 

I don't know anything, but I'll still offer lame speculation for no good reason.

Full Story.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.