News You Can't Use: Homeless Florida Man Brings Skull to Grocery Store

With Halloween just around the corner and down the temporal street that ultimately leads to dark and hateful oblivion it's time for some real life scary stories. Or at least a real life "I can't believe how awful and pathetic everything is" story, which is what the so-called real world tends to create rather than PG-13 thrill rides about evil dolls and evil clowns and evil dolls that are clown-dolls. Still, today's story manages to take highly unusual events and present them in the most banal "oh well" fashion, so at least there's that. If we can't have sincere scares at least we can be proudly desensitized to hometown horrors.

Shoppers at a Sebastian, Florida, Publix grocery store called 911 when they saw a homeless man walking around with a human skull, authorities said.

More "Publix" snobs, people who think they're too good for "Everything's Cheap and Rotten" or "ALDI." All it takes is a dangerous human derelict and his macabre fashion accessories and everyone's using their little glow screens to call in the five-oh.

"He had put the skull on top of a trash can over there because he wanted to tell somebody to call the sheriff's office," said Indian River County Sheriff’s Office spokesman Thomas Raulen. 

That's how that works. If you need police assistance, go to some lower tier food depository and set the item of concern or a reasonable facsimile on the ash can. Society's nice and healthy, nothing about this is unusual, please resume your shopping for Dinnerables and assorted swine parts.

The unidentified homeless man found human remains in an isolated area near the homeless camps and brought it to the Publix to report the body on Tuesday.

This one time...at homeless camp... I also like how there's more than one and it's just accepted with "oh well" resignation. Not our problem 'til they start with the skullin', I suppose.

“He was using it as a puppet," witness Nick Pecoraro told WPBF News. "It smelled like death.”

We'll just leave out these bizarre and sickening details when we make the police report, because it's easier that way.

Can we just do more common core math instead?

Raulen said that it was unlikely that the victim had been decapitated, but that the body was too deteriorated to tell much information about the victim. 

I don't know anything, but I'll still offer lame speculation for no good reason.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.